Wondering what Mommy Homework is??? Each week you will have an “assignment” here to share in our comments here on this site. You will love this-both sharing AND enjoying answers by others. Some of them, I compile into an ebook (contributors can resell as a product of their own–be sure to submit your email and full name when you register so I can credit you appropriately!).
The result is AWESOME!
We get to know each other…we are encouraged in our journey…and we glean super ideas from other great moms!
Ready for this week’s MH? This is a good one!
Our topic this week is “Fun (and PURE!) Ideas for Young Adults to Get to Know Each Other…”
Your Assignment This Week…
I remember praying for the first time when Matthew was only in my womb…praying for HER the first time when he was only in my womb. As I would nurse him, I would look at his tiny little fingers and toes and pray over the young man he would become and the amazing wife he would one day unite with. I prayed for her hours and hours as I nursed him…and played with him.
As I found out I was expecting Elisabeth, my prayer list grew. I prayed for the wife and mom she would one day be. I prayed for her husband–for his protection, his education, his spiritual life.
As we began to homeschool Matthew and Elisabeth, I heard about options for preparing for marriage. We decided as a family to reach for a different path than most travel upon. This meant that there were no “boyfriends” or “girlfriends” during those elementary years. In fact, as they became teens, our children did not count down to dates or proms. Rather, they began looking forward to their SPOUSES, their WEDDINGS. Talk about a totally different value from the rest of the world (even some who THINK they believe in courtship).
We read all of the books. Some we liked SOME of the ideas. Some we thought were ridiculous. Some took us uplevel in our standards and convictions. Things are not always as “perfect” as the books like to portray. Many of the “perfect” books leave out realities–like how they actually get to know each other OR what to do when you find they are all wrong for each other. Many of the “perfect” books even leave out the need for the Holy Spirit to bring two into one and bond their hearts, souls, minds, and eventually bodies. All we know is that every “story” has its own ups and downs, blessings and disappointments.
The past few years have taught us mounds of wisdom about these years. We see the void in help. We see the void in understanding. We see the void in practical ideas. I suspect books coming from our own computers in the horizon. At THIS time, we are still living “our stories” out. That brings me to this week’s Mommy Homework.
For many of you, you got to see the sweet pictures of Matthew and Whitney. We love Whitney sooo much! We have been spending the past month getting to know her. Every day is more and more precious to us. What a blessing to see the treasure that God had right around the corner for us! She is TOO precious!
Today, your tips are for ME and for all of you. 🙂
So, say you have the amazing gal or guy right there. The one you have prayed for all throughout the years. How do they get to know each other? How do they spend time together so that they can really SEE each other’s character, values, and spiritual lives clearly? What are some fun AND PURE ideas for helping young adults get to know each other? Share some fun ideas for things that young adults can do? Things that encourage relationship. Maybe even things that they can continue to do into their marriage.
This is going to be GOOOOOOOD!
Have fun! This should be a super assignment to read. I can’t wait! 
DIG IN!
I can’t wait!
Love ya!
Cindy
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Most of the time that my husband and I were dating he was away in the military. In some respects this was a real blessing for us for getting to know each other. This was, of course, before the days of e-mail, cell phones, and text messaging. We were left with writing letters. 🙂 Those letters were where we planned our future together. We talked about who we were and where we wanted to go in life. We talked about all sorts of things that we didn’t always think to talk about in person.
My hubby was still Navy when we were first married, and he would often be gone for months at a time. We continued our letter writing through that time. I still have the letters as a sweet keepsake.
Even now, when I am planning my homeschooling year my sweet husband likes for me to e-mail him my questions and plans. It gives him the opportunity to really think about the coming year and answer on his own time. Then we sit down later with his answers and sketch out what we are planning for the year. Then I send him a follow up e-mail with our “meeting notes” so that he can look it over again, and we can both look at how that is really going to work for us. Maybe I need to pull out pen and paper and start writing him about other things again. 🙂
I think even for couples who don’t have states or oceans in between them, letter writing could be a good way to get to know each other and to continue to grow and learn together.
When my husband and I met we were both in seminary in New England. We had a class together which is one way I think is great for young adults to get to know each other. Even if you’re out of school, there are so many interesting courses through local rec departments, etc. My sis and her husband took scuba classes together! As we got to know each other we started frequenting coffee shops along the North Shore of Boston–another fun way to get to know each other–talking and talking over coffee! 🙂 The other thing that was so fun was reading aloud to each other. We took turns picking out books to read with each other–Hinds Feet On High Places and Chronicles of Narnia were great ones which led to some awesome conversations. 🙂
Liz Lane
When my husband and I met he was in the Army. For the next two years, he came home for a week at a time when he could. The rest of the time we wrote letters to each other. Or as he says mini books. We discussed everything from Educating our children to jobs from home etc.
In all practicality though, we should have discussed the application of finances, meal planning, shopping, etc. Everyone thinks that those things are a given. Nope.
Every now and then, I still write a letter to him letting him know what is going on with the kids, and what is coming up in their schooling. We laid all of that out before we were married, however each child is different and we have had to make alterations.
Then there are the times I just need to let him know what is on my mind, and we don’t see each other except for the afternoons and then only for 2 hours. The kids want to talk and they need time. Even at 24 and 13. Weekends, I am too exhausted and personally I just want to clean everything up and rest. I don’t want to talk then. Not a good time to catch me. Weekends, not good. For me anyway. Letters and email are much better then we can schedule a time to talk and go out together away from the house.
Blessings
Lisa Robinson
In this new hi-tech age I think phone calls are a great way to get to know each other especially if distance is great.
I think the whole dating concept is hard for young people. I can’t even imagine dating now. I think group activities are great. I know several churches in the area have wonderful young adult and youth activities.
Writing letters or emails is another great way to get to know one another.
Spending quality time together is important to building a lasting relationship. Open dialog is a huge part of it. I’ve always thought a young adult bible study or relationship class would be a great way to have round table discussions about the things a couple will encounter in their relationship. I am not talking about the 1 on 1 sessions that alot of couple go through with their pastor, I’m thinking more along the lines of a small group bible study… Openy discussing the biblical call of marriage and family.
Wow! This is a tough one. When I was growing up, my parents tried to point us in the direction of no boyfriends, but the peer pressure was so great. Now that I have little girls, I want the answers to the questions that you are asking. I don’t want them to go through some of the same things that I did and end up in a failed marriage.
One thing that did work was getting to know each other through a group. We had a large group at our church. We had lots of activities that allowed you to see people your age in a safe environment. It also helped that the Singles’ Minister knew the people in the group and could give us direction. He knew the things that we were looking for in a spouse and he knew which guys in our group were close to having the same convictions and standards. You also meet other guys that let you know which other guys to stay away from. It does help. It helps too when the you meet one that is clearly not the right one. You don’t really have to break off anything. You were all friends to begin with and it stays that way.
My parents encouraged us to bring our “dates” along on family outings. You see alot in a person in how they are around your family.
I know that these suggestions are not “the answers” to how to make this work. It is a lot more complicated than that. Lots of approaches that we used did not work at all. That is why I am looking forward to reading the responses posted here. Thank you for asking these hard questions.
Sincerely,
Katrina
As my husband and I were “dating” we spent time with my parents. That way we were in a supervised atmosphere. My parents were very willing to take us places with them. We did a lot of fun things. We would take off on a Saturday morning and drive some place within a few hours’ drive and spend some time there. My husband and I also spent a lot of time on the phone just talking. I think the idea of having a class at church is a wonderful idea.
The first date my husband and I went on was to a coffee shop where we sat and talked. I thought it would be really uncomfortable trying to make conversation with someone I didn’t really “know” but it was amazing. As the evening progressed, we ended up at a bookstore and chatted about all the good books we had read over the years. To this day (17 years later) we still go out and have coffee and discuss the kids, our goals, good books, plans for the coming years, etc. It is so important to take time with your spouse and enjoy them.
My daughter has a friend in another state that she is very fond of. It was rather hard for the two of them to find anything to chat about over the phone. Then, they found out they both liked the same author and read the same kinds of books. This has opened up a whole new avenue for them. Reading always is a good, and fun way to open up a conversation.
Katy Horn
I think so great ways for young people to get to know each other are:
1. At church activities.
2. Writing letters
3. Phone calls
4. Attending family events for the others family.
Pretty simple, but I think that in this day and time, a tight reign needs to be kept on the leniency of allowing two young people “date”. They need time to get to know each other, but if they are praying to God for his guidance. God will lead them.
Thanks,
Shannon Depew
Well, my husband and I did it ALL wrong when we were getting to know each other. Our children are still small, but here are some ideas :).
Challenging, real-life situations that bring out the true character of the other. They could…clean out the car together..,making meals together for the family….volunteering at soup/homeless centers…helping out at the AWANA/sunday school classes together with lots of little children…other intense chores you can dig up…competitive board games – all of these would help to show the level of patience, frustration, love, kindness etc. present in the other. These types of situations are so common to family life, so why not have a test drive!
I have enjoyed reading all of these sweet memories of writing to your DH-to-be. Great memories to read over later–with your grandchildren 🙂
My favorite part of mine & DH’s courting phase was spending time with his mother & grandmother. He was friends with my father & spent time with my parents as well. I learned many little things that we did not really talk about–laundry quirks, dinner likes/dislikes, etc.–some things he never really realized about himself, but appreciated my taking the time to learn & do for him.
Blessings!
Hillary in Indiana
This is perfect timing for our home as well. Though I have two older children from a previous marriage, ages 23 and 21, they were in public school and lived with their grandparents as they did not like my rules and felt there was not enough room here for them (we only had 2-3 littles at home then!). As a result, my 21 year old is now expecting her third child, with the second father. All very, very sad. I see what effect this has on the grandbabies and it is heartwrenching to say the very least.
So, now our 14 year old daughter is coming into the “boy” stage, even though she claims she is never going to get married or have children…she met up with a young man we have met on a couple of previous occasions this last week during a hunter safety course. She was completely giddy after these classes, and has been teased mercilessly by the ladies she works at the barn with. She stands firm he is just a friend.
So, now we are looking to read more about emotional purity as well as physical purity, and I will be looking at these responses to give us ideas for the future!!
Thanks in advance for your wisdom! Vicki
FUN stuff? Playing board games or bowling or some other recreational activity, and interacting that way can reveal something about a person’s character. Especially with family or dear friends. I learned a LOT about my husband when we played a round of dominoes at my parent’s house one night. That may seem simple, but I think one’s sense of adventure, sense of humor, level of competitive nature, etc., can be seen pretty easily in these kinds of activities!
Personality quizzes, Temperament tests, and so forth – they can be fun and interesting, too. Noting differences that are so deeply personal in an easy-going manner can bring in some interesting conversation and understanding of the differences. I’ve learned a lot about how my husband & I are more balanced because of the differences in our natures, personalities, temperaments, etc., by exploring these things.
So much can be learned from spending time with this “special someone” and his/her family. How one relates and interacts with family is so deeply ingrained, that I don’t think anybody can fake that. =) Watching your future spouse-to-be within his/her family can really say so much about that person.
I also believe that the Holy Spirit can speak so clearly to our hearts about this. There is no mistaking the voice of God, and as much as one can learn about their potential mate, there is more that can be revealed by the Holy Spirit. This is evidenced in the daily walk with God, church membership & service, pursuit of holiness, and interaction with others. But, in my case, even more was revealed to my spirit before it was ever obviously revealed by my husband’s actions or words. I think that is, in part, how God knits our hearts together, and how I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that my husband is absolutely the man God made me for!
More serious discussions about financial behaviors, family traditions & dynamics, spiritual walk & growth are all very much part of the process of getting to know someone seriously at this level. Differences in spending habits, personality dynamics, etc., can be seen and approached with more thoughtfulness & consideration.
Those are my ideas anyway. It’s exciting to remember these days with my husband and how we have grown together in our marriage & parenting despite our differences.
Here’s our story . . . I met the wonderful man God destined for me when we were both working as summer day camp counselors for inner-city children. We knew each other for almost three years as friends only. We didn’t really “date” until after we were engaged, and we were only engaged for three months before we got married! We were both adults who were living on our own, so it was a bit challenging at times — because we were committed to not spend time alone together at either of our apartments.
But what we DID do was serve God and others together. We worked at summer camp, volunteered with our church’s youth group, were part of the worship team together . . . I often say to people that my husband saw me at the end of a day of summer camp — grubby clothes, sweaty, no makeup, hair plastered to my face in 100 degree temps . . . if he wasn’t scared away then, he’s a keeper 😉
We also tried to spend time with godly couples who were older than us. Since our families weren’t nearby to hang out with, we had to find “surrogate parents” with whom we could interact. They were able to mentor us as we prepared for marriage and it gave us a way to spend time together while walking in purity.
When we were engaged, we started calling each other on the phone in the evening to share about the day and pray together. Those times were so precious because they enabled us to begin building spiritual intimacy together without the temptation of physical intimacy.
Since that time, we served as youth pastors for 8 years, and we always encouraged our young people to do things in groups and allow their families to be a vital part of their courtship process. In addition, serving God together was such a precious part of our relationship . . . as I saw the heart that my beloved has for God, I knew that he loved God more than he would ever love me — and that was what I was praying for in a husband!
Young people who want to get to know one another better can do any of the things that friends usually do because they need to remember that they have to build their friendship if they want their relationship to last.
How about joining the same fellowship group at church, a prayer meeting or a bible study group.
Or take up a hobby or a sport together (not wrestling though lol), join a book club, or even take a class together.
Do some volunteer work together then not only will they get to know each other better they will develop a servant heart (very important in any relationship) and if the relationship does not work out for them then it will still have been time well spent for both of them.
Go walking with a rambling group or jogging together.
What about a visit to a good book shop – especially one with a coffee shop attached.
Go to a children’s playground play and talk about the dreams you had as children, all the things you wanted to do and see and the places you wanted to go. it’s a great way to find common ground and differences.
Most of all relax and remember that anything worth building is worth laying good foundations for.
Love and Blessings
Angela Marchington
I married my college sweetheart after a 3 year courtship and 9 month engagement. I think a key for us to get to truly know each other during that time was our verbal commitment to each other to physical purity. We were very physically attracted to each other and “in love” and we made the decision and felt very strongly for us that God did not want us to be physical with each other (except for holding hands and hugging). It sounds extreme, but I am reminded of the verses God gave me at the time regarding how an innocent kiss can easily become so much more…(“Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” Prov. 6:27 and though it is talking about our words, the same principle is true for the possible negative ramificantions of being physical before marriage, “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” James 3:5b) Man, it was hard sometimes, but I am truly thankful for the decision we made and what an amazing feeling it was to kiss my husband for the first time at the alter with a pure heart. Without all of the emotions (good and bad) that come with a physical relationship I think we were able to really be ourselves- to become best friends.
Another thing that was key was to have friends and mentors to hold us accountable. We had a great married couple that we spent time with and just watched, prayed with, asked questions and had bunches of fun. We had good Christian friends that we did things with in groups.
And when we had alone time together we went on walks (lots and lots of walks!), goofed around at the arcade, served together at our church and campus ministry, played board games, biked, hiked, picniced and walked some more. A fun thing we liked to do to get to know each other better even when we thought we knew everything was to buy or get a question book or conversation starter books from the library or print off some from the internet. These are handy little books for when you’re driving in the car or sitting at a coffee shop together- they helped us think of great things to talk about. We still pull these out from time to time and learn more every time we do it (though we’ll be married for 9 years coming up). I look back on our courtship with fondness and a smile. It was so good to know that we had really prayed about our relationship and started courting only after we really felt that God was leading us to (not just because WE wanted to!) and feel we conducted ourselves in the way God wanted us to do it- what a great feeling. Was it always easy?- no way! Would I do it again the same way? – absolutely! What an amazing and wonderful time in a young person’s life when it is blessed by God!