Wondering what Mommy Homework is??? Each week you will have an “assignment” here to share in our comments here on this site. You will love this-both sharing AND enjoying answers by others. Some of them, I compile into an ebook (contributors can resell as a product of their own–be sure to submit your email and full name when you register so I can credit you appropriately!).
The result is AWESOME!
We get to know each other…we are encouraged in our journey…and we glean super ideas from other great moms!
Ready for this week’s MH? This is going to be a really good one!
Today we live in a culture where there is such a void for godly parenting examples. I remember being a young mommy wondering how to handle all of the curve balls that came my way along the journey. You may be saying, “Well, what about FAMILY?” But, in our culture today, THAT can be THE PROBLEM! 🙂
That brings me to our Mommy Homework for the week…
I just got this great MH question in my inbox. I love it! Here is the question…
How do you encourage parents to step up to the plate and be THE PARENT? For example: following through on what their child is told to do, telling their child “No” and not making excuses for their behavior, having their children respect your rules.
My friend wrote this:
…I have some friends who are newer Christians. They don’t have good family examples, and are parents to a 4-year-old child. They worry that they are not doing enough for their child yet they make the child the center of their lives. Sometimes, we feel like second parents for this child. We are not perfect parents to our children, but we are trying. I don’t want them to depend on us, I want them to learn from God and depend upon Him.
First, thanks so much to this dear friend for sending in this question. I really appreciate the background so that we can all brainstorm together. Sooo, that brings me to our Mommy Homework for this week–Parenting the Parents.
In Scripture, Titus 2 brings us the call to teach others how to love their children (among other things, of course). Parenting is such an incredible calling. So many young (and old) parents today have NO IDEA how to parent their children. Many simply react from poor models in their own childhood homes–from permissive parents to very abusive parents to very inconsistent parents. They have no idea what a godly home looks like, much less how to parent by God’s design. In fact, few have any idea that God DOES have a design for the godly home and parenting children.
How do we come alongside of others to help them learn how to BE THE PARENT?
How do WE set the example before them?
How do we exhort them without being offensive OR just walking away ourselves and leaving them without our influence?
Share your ideas this week. And, don’t miss checking back to read the posts from your mommy pals here. Have fun! 
DIG IN!
Love ya!
Cindy
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Once again, I’m striving for this. I really want to each my children to be obedient and to respect others, God, parents, then family.
I admit, we do struggle quite a bit in this area. I find myself getting frustrated and angry because it just seems impossible. I’ve tried may parenting books, I pray constantly, and I know that my kids ‘aren’t that bad” but I still worry and I do realize there are many areas where they could and should improve. I think one of the biggest problems in our family is inconsistency…due to the fact that much of the time my husband and I disagree on these child-rearing matters. So, I really don’t have much advice for helping others in this area….I am seeking answers for my own family. I will definitely be checking back to find out what everyone else has to say!
Wendy Woerner
My first paragraph above doesn’t make a lot of sense…I meant to say “God, family (parents and siblings), then friends”
Wendy Woerner
In my experience you need to let other see you do your best but to let them know that you are not perfect and that you have your struggles in parenting. I find that not coming out and saying this is what you should be doing but sharing what has worked for you is received much better. I think listening is key. Often you just need to be able to talk your struggle out to be able to see it more clearly. Praying with them and for them- that God would provide them wisdom, consistency or whatever they are needing. Also a big one is the gentle reminder to trust God’s word/leading over what any book/person says. Go to God first and then if you need seek trusted, more experienced Godly counsel.
Heather Wilson
Well, ultimately the job of parents is placed squarely ON the parents. Ultimately the father will be held to account for the choices he made for his family. As the wife, its my job to help him to be the best man and father he can be, so that he can do a good job! I just think its very wrong to try to usurp that role, be it a friend, an adult child, etc.
That said, it IS possible to set a good example and not try to agressively change someone. That’s easy because its what we should be doing anyway- walking the walk. That doesn’t mean we will be perfect but modeling how to get back up when you fall splat on your face is just as important as others seeing you at your best.
This is something most of us probably struggle with-how to help. We have always tried to gently explain why we do or don’t do certain things, according to God’s Word. Most younger moms are looking for help and support, and most of them we come in contact with, want their children to walk according to God’s Word. I do a support group for new or younger moms that are homeschooling, and we have done several different things-first, we went through Titus 2, and went through each thing a godly woman/wife/mom, does-we took a verse a week(and yes, we could stay on that one verse for over an hour each week). That took us several months. Now we are working our way through a book by Sally Clarkson. We have a time of prayer, the Word, and then we have question & discussion time. I think we all strive to live a godly life, but none of us are perfect. One of the keys we have found, is not to have them be dependent on us, or take too much time from our own family-there has to be a balance. If the mom is truly desiring to live godly, she will be open and receptive to hearing what the Bible says about raising children, and will be striving towards that goal. I think all of us probably struggled as young parents, and what a help it is to have someone come alongside you-to pray and share what they did.
However, there are some parents we have found who just don’t care, or desire to live a godly life, or take the time w/their children. This has been very hard, and we have to pray our way through. We love the child (an older child) and help out as much as possible. I have to constantly be on the lookout to make sure that when they are with us, or in our home, that they be obedient to the rules of our home, and explaining why. Since my children are all in their teens, now, they have a great deal of impact and also talk about why we don’t do certain things, read, watch, play, etc. I think our children, none of us are perfect, can be role models in these cases, just by showing what they believe, and can have an impact upon them.
This is an area that has been on my mind lately. Not parenting the parent but raising our children God’s way. We have 4 little ones with the oldest being a strong willed, very active 3 year old. Raising children is a one time thing and if we don’t get it right the first time we hurt that child for life. I am realizing more and more that child training starts with the parents. I would encourage the mom to be under her husband’s authority and truly submitting to him. Both parents need to be under their proper authority and demonstrating true submission themselves. I often wonder how parents expect their children to submit to them and obey when they will not submit and obey the authority that God has given them. The other thing that needs to happen first in the parents is they need to love God with all their heart, soul and might. I am studying Deut. 6:4-9 this week as the Lord has laid it on my heart as the most important part of parenting. This is the goal – to raise children who love the Lord with all their heart, soul and might. It won’t happen if we don’t live the same way. Then the Lord tells us to teach His commands to our children throughout the day in our every day activities. This is the big area I want to work on this week. To get into the habit of bringing everything back to the Bible and what God says.
How do we come alongside of others to help them learn how to BE THE PARENT?
Often I think opportunities will come up as you just visit with the family and watch your children play together. I often talk with other women about our children and exchange ideas with them.
How do WE set the example before them?
I think the best way to set the example is to just focus on raising our own children the way God says. They will see the difference in your children and mention it. Then you have an opportunity to give them some ideas that may be of help to them.
How do we exhort them without being offensive OR just walking away ourselves and leaving them without our influence? This comes down to being led by the Spirit I think. What may be fine to say to one person will not be good for another. Each one is at a different place in their lives. Also, what one child needs is different from another. They all need to learn to obey and love the Lord, but it is not going to all happen the same way. As we learn more Scripture for use in training our own children we can use that same Scripture to exhort others. The principles of child training remain the same for all children. The execution may change for the child. That is what I was trying to say earlier. It takes much prayer and walking moment by moment with the Lord and being led by His Spirit. Now I just need to put this all into practice. 🙂
Cathy
Good question. I’m not a perfect parent and have never claim to be. Far from it as most parents are but I have been approached for mentoring parents. I mean parents approaching me and asking me to mentor them. Some via web (one for more than 2 years), some in person. My #1 rule I tell any parent: mean what you say and say what you mean and be consistent. Never threaten something you aren’t willing to carry out because carry out you must. So never say “the next time you do ??? I’m going to kill you”. You know you won’t, so don’t say it. But if you say the “next time you’ll get a spanking” by golly a spanking is due the next it happens. The VERY next time it happens even if the very next time is the next day. Even the Bible says “let your No mean no and your yes mean yes”. There are those parents out there tho that I look at/watch and just shake my head and say a little pray for them. They’ll have their hands full when the child is a teen that’s for sure. If I’m interacting with the family for whatever reason…I may say “didn’t mommy ask you to stop doing that/leave that alone? You must do as mommy asked.” Then mom will make sure it happens instead of turning a blind eye. That helps mommy remember to be consistent too. Another key point: both parents must be on the same page. If they aren’t then they need to discuss it but NOT in front of the kids. The kids learn quick enough when they aren’t working as a team and will use it against the parents. They will learn to pit one against the other, guaranteed 🙂 If discipline is due, then we have been known to tell the child, “daddy and I need to talk about how we are going to discipline you for this. So we’ll talk about it and we’ll let you know after dinner/in the morning.” In the mean time, the child has time to stew and think about it (& hopefully repent) and we’ve had a chance to talk (& not in front of the child) and calm down if that is necessary. Consistency….gotta have consistency or the kids are confused. They can’t learn right from wrong if sometimes it is OK and other times they get punished for it. So they appear to be constantly testing the parents when they truly aren’t. Also, sometimes it is funny when a 2 year old does/says something but think about it…..if they were 10 would it be funny or would they get in trouble for it? If they’d get in trouble, they shouldn’t do it at 2 either. This causes confusion when they are older. Hmmm…..not sure that I really answered the homework question 🙂 I guess for the most part, I don’t just go up and offer advice to a parent unless they ask for it. If they appear to be struggling I may ask if they need some assistance and they may ask for advice then. If I’m on a forum of some sort and a “how do I” question is asked, I’ll answer. I don’t want to offend anyone by intervening without being asked.
This is such a tough issue for me. I have two children, my girl is 11, and my boy is very very two! I’m stuck in between desperately wishing I had a mentor in my life who could keep pointing me to God, and wishing I didn’t have so many people who think they know what’s best for my child.
Just today I went to a ladies Bible class which offers child care. (at my home church). My daughter stayed with my son in his class so he would feel comfortable and pave the way for me to come all summer. When I returned I found not only a crying 2 year old but a crying 11 year old. (who is most definitely NOT a drama queen and quite capable of dealing with her brother). She had told the adults repeatedly that he need me. They said he would have to manage until I came back and that he is spoiled. He had been crying for at least an hour. People never hesitate to tell you that your children need to learn to be independent. My question is why are we in such a hurry to get away from our children? I will gladly miss years of ladies Bible class is it means offering my son the security that he needs.
So I guess I’m offering no answer to how can we help parents who need help. I’m asking where are the parents with truly godly advise that I would actually want to implement?
I guess what we can do to “help” is to be aware of situations in which we do have something to offer. It may be OK, for someone to depend on you for a while if it is teaching them to be better parents. That may be your purpose right now. I fully agree that children need to be respectful, obedient, etc. but lets be careful not to forget they are children. They deserve to be listened to, to have choices,to have a personality, and to be made to know that they are safe and that they are not an inconvenience.
I don’t usually ramble so. I guess todays incident has just brought a lot of feelings to the surface, and then here comes this question.
For me and my house? We will continue to seek the Lord, asking him to show us which way our children should go, and what is our part in directing them. If our parenting is spirit-led, then it should also yield a side benefit of being a good example for someone else who wants to raise their children according to the leading of the Lord.
blessings,
Beth
I usually will say something like, “when we had this problem, we did such and such” That way they don’t feel like you are attacking them, and you are letting them know that you have been through this as well, and they are not alone.
I think also, that disciplining in front of them, and then saying something about it helps.
For example, if you ask your 5 year old to do something, and he says no, immediately put him in time out or whatever you would do for that, and then say something to the parent like “we have been working on his minding the first time. I have had to learn that it is really my fault he hasn’t been minding. I realized that I was letting him get away with it by not doing something right away, so I have had to learn to be more consistent. It is paying off, I rarely have to do this anymore.. man, sometimes parenting is tricky huh?, what do you do?” Or something like that. This may lead to more of a conversation on the topic.
You could aslo add that you read a particular book that was really helpful to you, and offer to let them borrow it if they want to.
You know some parents really don’t know what any other option are, so they may be more receptive than we think, if we broach the subject carefully.
Now, along those same lines, I have a question.
If you have a close family friend, that has seemed to go in a completely different direction than you have, and you really don’t want your kids around hers anymore, what do you do?
I ask this because I have a best friend, I love her so much, that was different when we met, or at least I didn’t know all of it then.
When we met, she homschooled, and we had very similar beliefs and convictions.
But as her children have grown up, things are changing, and it is uncomfortable to be around anymore.
She put the kids in school to be a teacher because she wanted to help other kids. Now, personally I have aproblem with this because it seems backwards to me to help other kids at the expense of your own, but that is striclty my own opinion, and I am not trying to judge or anything, it’s just that she used to feel differently before.
Her girls can wear very revealing clothes, which I do not want mu kids around.
They talk about boys, and dating, and are allowed to watch such grown up shows, that I would never allow my kids to watch, and they always discuss these with my kids.
There is just always something said or done when we are together that I just cringe at that my kids heard or saw.
I know this may sound judgy and i am not trying to badmouth, I am just giving examples of what I am talking about.
I know we all do things differently, and we each let our kids do different things, my point is that it is just not the way I want to raise my kids up to be. They are very influential to my kids, and that is part of the problem.
They are moving in a completely different direction that we are in a LOT of areas.
But I care more about her than any of my other friends, and I really love her. She is my best friend. It would break my heart to not be her friend, but tonight was the last straw, I think. Her 13 year old daughter was telling my 13 year old daughter that she has 15 dates to the prom, and that she is going to have to go with 6 guys one year and 6 guys the next, and spend 1/6 of the night with each one. OK, she is not even in high school yet!
These are the things I do not want my daughter even thinking about.
This is just so hard for me, and my husband doesn’t want them around the kids anymore either because of the things said or done.
Please help me! I really don’t know how to tell her that I can’t let my kids hang around hers anymore. I do not ant to hurt her, but I can’t keep letting them hang out. It is too devastating to our family.
She is coming over next week, and I think I have to put an end to it.
Please help. Any Godly advice would be greatly appreciated.
Rodna James
Wow, this is something we have all struggled with I’m sure. Number one, don’t criticize anyone how they are rearing their family until you have walked in their shoes. Unless we have been in their shoes we truly don’t know what they may face each day when they get up each morning.
I have read a lot of children helpful books but I always come back to my favorite the Bible. There are examples of how different ones brought their children up and we are even taught how the Lord wants us to bring them up. I love the saying “Children didn’t come with instructions”. No they didn’t but God didn’t give us a brain, the Bible and His gentle spirit to go through this wonderful and scary journey alone.
I can remember when after loosing 5 little ones we had our first one, a beautiful daughter. I can remember seeing my husband bring her into me for the first time wrapped up in a bundle but the love in his eyes shinning and full of love. The funny thing was I wasn’t allowed to change her first diaper he informed me that we brought her into this world together and I had done my work and it was “his turn”.
The best example for teaching others is by showing them by living it. Our lives “may be the only Bible that someone sees”. This goes for teaching them how to rear their family also. Yes, I read all the time and learn a lot from books BUT watching others that I admire because how their children turned out and how they live, truly live, teaches me even more. For ex. many of us come every time we can to listen to Cindy!! Why? Because we have seen how her fruit has grown and bloomed and her spirit is full of love. The same goes for helping others with their little ones.
No, I don’t pretend to have the answers, I’m learning still but with the Father’s help I hope and pray that I will be a mom and an example to my children and friends that they will want to pattern their lives after the Lord and see their little ones to grow up for Him.
The Devil is constantly fighting and with time so short he fights even more and harder. We must constantly be here to encourage each other (no matter our age) and be right where the Lord can use us and our family is the best example to show others how we have learned.
Don’t forget, I remind myself of this often, that even tho’ it may be like a brick wall that we are talking to day after day, children never really forget what they are taught. It will come back to them some day even tho’ it doesn’t seem like it right now.
Orilla Crider
Having had a son who has been “difficult” (very high energy and not “convenient” ) I am really aware of both the importance of clear boundaries, consistency and other principles of good parenting AND of the dangers of judging people’s parenting by their children’s behaviour or your own assumptions. I know that our children will produce the fruit of our parenting but surely we have all seen the different behaviours of children from the same family. For that reason it is so important when we see difficult children to step back before we judge and make comments.
I have had people tell me that I should just “piinch my child to make him sit still at church” because he found it so difficult to sit still. Other people informed me that if we just put him in school then he would learn to sit still and be settled, as though there are no behaviour challenges for any teachers in school! I guess the point I am trying to make is that it is very easy to believe that the methods that worked for your child or that you read about in that book will be the perfect ones for that parent and if they just parented right it would solve their problems, but that’s just a trap. I love getting parenting advice off Mums who have had more than 5 children because they almost never say, “You need to do this!” They are more likely to say, “THis may work, or you could try this, but this may be better and I’ll certainly pray for you because it’s so hard knowing exactly what to do for each different child and sometimes God just asks us to be patient, to be gracious and to trust!”
So I guess I haven’t really answered the question of how to, but rather addressed the attitude you approach others with in parenting advice. I’ve made many mistakes as well as being on the receiving end of them so I’m reminding myself as well!
We were out of pocket last week, but when I saw this in my email I felt compelled to share what a pastor gave me when my girls were very young. I began praying these prayers for them when they were younger (and still do even though they are older and have their own personal relationship with Christ) and I now pray them for my son. I have to tell you from experience these prayers have worked and are working in the lives of my children. I pray that they will be as much as a help and blessing to you as they have been to our family.
12 Ways to pray for your children
1. That they would know Christ as their personal Savior early in life and grow to have an initimate relationship with Him.
2. That they would be filled with the Holy Spirit.
3. That they would have a hatred for sin.
4. That they will be caught when guilty of sin.
5. That they will be protected from the evil one in all areas of their life.
6. That they will have a responsible attitude in all their relationships.
7. That they will respect those in authority over them.
8. That they will desire the right kind of friends and be protected from the wrong friends.
9. That they as well as their future mate will be kept pure until and through their marriage.
10. That they will be kept from the wrong mate and saved for the right one.
11. That they find their purpose in life in the kingdom of God, being single hearted, and sold out to Jesus as Lord.
12. That they will be hedged in so that they cannot find the wrong people and the wrong places and that the wrong people cannot find their way to them.
Living to tell,
Cheryl
Well, I missed the deadline b/c I have little computer access, but I wanted to add a little to all these wonderful posts!
Somethings that helped me as a new parent: MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). We had some wonderful mentor moms and it was great to connect with other woman and get solid biblical advice. So I always recommend to moms getting involved in some sort of moms group, one that I am familiar with and know they will get good advice at – not just a place to whine and complain!
Another great idea is start a parenting home fellowship at your house. Read a solid biblical parenting book and spend time discussing it together with other couples. Ask other veteran Christian parents to join and help disciples new parents or new Christian parents. When we were new parents a veteran couple invited us to their house along with other new parents and veteran parents. We read a parenting book as a couple during he week and discussed it as a group once a week. It was a wonderful time to encourage our parenting skills and develop friendships with other couples.
The great thing about being in a group like these is it is less likely to look like you are criticizing parenting skills and more like encouraging others in their walk as Christians and parents.
Ten years later I look back on the couple that hosted the parenting group with love and fond memories. I cherish their friendship and still know I can always get solid advice and loving prayers and encouragement from them, as well as from the mentor moms in our MOPS group (which I am in for my last year this year! My baby will be in first grade!)
Blessings to all!
Sherri
We are constantly growing in this area ourselves. I don’t know anyone who ever “arrives” before they arrive in Heaven, though some of us do walk more closely with the Lord when making our choices than others. That statement in and of itself brings up a risk: that we will become legalistic and hold others to the standards to which the Lord is calling us, rather than encouraging them to live up to the standards to which the Lord calls them.
We are a military family and have attended many kinds of churches, from more conservative to less. I think that you have to build your family around the Lord’s calling on your lives, no matter where you are, and not on what your church and those who attend it expect. Then people will see you living out your convictions, calling upon God for answers, and listening to them rather than going your own way. People admire sincerity and transparency, and those things tend to make folks stop and thing more than when people just do what everybody else is telling them to, good or not.
However, I do believe there are many things in the Bible that ARE written in stone (besides the 10 Commandments!) and that all families need to observe to function as God planned. We all need to love one another and to look to the needs of others before ourselves. I do believe the Father is the head of the household and should (along with his wife) function as a gatekeeper, to let good things in and keep bad things out. I believe fathers need to educate their families spiritually, whether they choose to homeschool or not. There are too many “do”s to list here, not to mention the “don’t”s, and that is one thing a dad (and mom) are responisble for learning and teaching.
How do you share these beliefs with others? In my experience, preachy does not help. Oh, you may get a few “converts” at a tent meeting, but daily, more converts are won by families reaching out to help, influence, and show others how a God-honoring family works. There may be a moment to sermonize to someone about your conviction to not read a certain book or watch a certain TV show, and God will show you those. There are many moments to share the blessings you have gained by following God’s will in your lives. People can’t argue with YOUR testimony, your experiences, or the fruit in your life and the life of your kids.
So I guess what I am saying is that parents should strive to do what is right in the sight of God for their own families. They should reach out as they can to other families and pass the blessings on. If a moment arises that you can tell someone why you choose not to participate in too many activities outside the home, or why your boys don’t play organized sports (not saying this is what I do, necessarily), then tell them. It is the conviction that you are following God’s leading for YOUR family (and succeeding at it) that will lead them to looking for God’s will for their families, instead of “going with the flow” and doing what everybody else does.
If you do get put in a situation where there are certain families looking to you for influence, then by all means, feel free to dialogue with them regularly and look at things together. Just be sure you put the origination of limitations back on GOD so it doesn’t become legalistic and people-centered. We do our families a disservice, I think, when we follow some group’s set of rules without question instead of prayerfully seeing where God leads us…
I would first question my own motives. We are not necessarily here to judge others. That said, we are to edify other Christians. I would be sure to always address issues with “I” instead of “You.” “Oh, it’s so frustrating when my kids do that…..I try to…….” I would also refer them to appropriate books and websites. An email may go like this: “I came across this great website today, thought you might enjoy it.” Most importantly, PRAY for them. After all, that’s the most important thing we can do for anyone. 🙂
Heather Bice