Wondering what Mommy Homework is??? Each week you will have an “assignment” here to share in our comments here on this site. You will love this-both sharing AND enjoying answers by others. Some of them, I compile into an ebook (contributors can resell as a product of their own–be sure to submit your email and full name when you register so I can credit you appropriately!).
The result is AWESOME!
We get to know each other…we are encouraged in our journey…and we glean super ideas from other great moms!
Ready for this week’s MH? This is going to be a good one!
I just got a great question from fellow mommy-pal, Valerie. It is a SUPER question for us to dig into this week for our Mommy Homework. By the way, if YOU have any questions along the way that you want to see all of us dig into, just drop me an email (cindy@cindyrushton.com). We will dig into your question as well!
Ok, back to Valerie’s question…
Cindy,
My daughter is getting ready to progress from a training bra to a bra and it is time to have a more informative talk with her, she knows the basics, but I want her informed. She is 11, I was 13 before I wore a training bra, I guess that skips a generation here and there, teehee. Anyway, my question for you is have you ever asked what others have used when talking to daughters and/or sons about their bodies and the changes going on for mommy homework? What did you use? Is there something out there for Christian Homeschoolers? I picked up a book at our local Library that was way to graphic with its pictures and descriptions and said that masturbation was perfectly natural and okay to do…….. I would love to find something just for parents and their kids from a Christian perspective, but just have not yet, as many churches just don’t tak about it…..
Valerie N.
Ok, sweet friends, let’s help one another with this big question. I am looking forward to all of your super ideas! This will be super! Have fun! 
DIG IN!
Love ya!
Cindy
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I had to start out sooner with mine. My oldest was wearing a training bra when she was almost 10! Now three years latter and we wear the same size. Yikes!
First we do a lot of talking. Not serious sit down and have “the talk” most of the time it is just along the way ansering a question here and there. I tend to be fairly forthright about it.
God’s design for Sex is a great group of books Christian and tastefully done. I really like these.
The Wonderful Way that Babies are Made is another good one.
Now the talks are more about modesty and why that is important. Every time we go shopping that is the talk we have because all the pretty shirts need more cloth on them!
Raising Maidens of Virture is a book we are about to read that should deal with some of that.
I hope that helps some.
Wow! What a great question – I can not wait to read all the responses 🙂 My oldest daughter is 9 (will be 10 in a few months & her her big brother will be 11 in a few weeks). We honestly talk all the time about this stuff. We have not used any books either. We discuss periods, modesty, relationships, mood swings, purity, etc. Be careful with the masturbation thing as there are Christian books that say it is all right too so if you disagree with that viewpoint you should read the book first (just as you did with the library book). I think making sure that you approach it as all right to discuss these things you don’t necessarily need extra books just the time and willingness to discuss them. Be willing to say, I don’t know the answer to that if you don’t and say lets research that and discuss it at a time when we have time. If it is a question about boys and their thought processes, talk to Dad about if he is available. You can always talk to him for your daughter if she is uncomfortable and then tell her his answers or record them. Or they can have a journal where they write/talk to one another and she can ask the questions there and he can answer there and he can discuss the questions with you so you know where she is at. HTH.
There is a wonderful book that “American Girl” sales. (The same people who sell the dolls) The name of the book is “The care and keeping of me” It is a body book for girls. It discusses hygiene, and all the changes a girl goes through during adolescence. Very tastefully done! I was so glad that I had it, and it helped us to talk about things. I hope that helps.
Donna Scott
We picked up a book at our church bookstore called Why Boys and Girls are Different, by Carol Greene when our oldest was about 5. It is actually the first in a whole set of books…The New Learning About Sex series. I think there are a total of five or six, each one giving a little moe information according to age range. We have done the first two, and are over due for the next one with my oldest two kids. It’s definitely time to have the ‘talk’ around here. 😉 We’ll just be starting the first one soon with my 3rd child. I’ll be interested to see what others have done and books that have been used. No one ever had the talk with me and I really want to get this one right!
Wendy Woerner
Hi,
Well, my little girls are a few years away from this at ages 3 and 1 1/2 years old. I have heard that the book “A girl of 12” by Sacred Subjects is good. It is put out by an Amish company and is part of a 4 or 5 book set for parents on discussing these things with our children. I look forward to gleaning everyone’s ideas on this.
Cathy
This is a loaded discussion this time but well needed. My daughter turned 11 in November and has been wearing a bra since 9. I have tried to answer her questions as much as I feel she needs to know at this point. But one of my problems is how to approach it right because when I was growing up my mother refused to talk to us kids about anything sex related or the changes of our bodies, and this was coming from a RN mother.
My husband’s mother also a BSN, refused to talk to him about anything related to this topic so it has been a little hard for us to know exactly when to approach the subjects and how. We were both told that we would know what happened, when it happened.
That wasn’t the answer either of us were looking for and that isn’t the answer I want to give to our kids. Our oldest (21) was educated in sexual things when we adopted him at 8 so we were trying to uneducate (not sure that is a word :)) him.
Probably one of the best things that I have received help was Dr. James Dobson’s books. My only problem is that it does seem that the kids are getting more developed at a younger age and that seems hard to believe.
I am looking forward to seeing the different answers on this topic also. Thanks Valerie for asking it!!
Orilla Crider
I developed very early and was wearing a training bra by the age of 10. This was a shock to my mother who didn’t need one until her early teens.
I have yet to have “The Talk” with my daughters, but honestly, we are already pretty open about physical bodies and changes. I want them to understand the biological processes, and since my girls are 4 and 2, keeping them out of the bathroom (even when I’m desperate for privacy) is not realistic. Half the time, my 2 year old is reaching for a new pad for me if I need one. I talk about my period and when I was pregnant with them, and we have yet to reach the “How did the baby get inside the mommy’s tummy?” question yet.
While I don’t elaborate, I do answer their questions – and so does my husband. He is a child & adolescent counselor, so its very important for us to use the correct names for body parts and to teach them that while it’s interesting, it’s not appropriate to discuss these matters with others…
When my youngest brother was reaching the age for my mom to have “the talk” with him – I was in my mid-teens – and I can remember she used a couple of books (really) that included the anatomical views (internal and external) along with an explanation of marriage. I cannot find them online, though, so I can’t refer you to them. =(
I think it is really important for both mom & dad to participate in this educational process, if not about every single detail. I was so mortified that my dad or brothers might find out I was on my period I just would “die” if they found out. It doesn’t have to be this way. While privacy is necessary, honoring the processes in our bodies designed by God is really important. My husband is very inquisitive and sensitive about my monthly cycle – and I appreciate that a lot. I hope our girls gain a broader understanding of God’s Design because of it.
with only boys I don’t feel qualified to answer this really but… I believe that children develop a firm belief in the other gender well before puberty. I have always spoken to my boys about the fact that the little girls they are playing with might someday be mommies and that they should treat them well. We have always had discussions about abortion because we are strongly pro-life and the kids ask young why we don’t think people should be able to “choose”, from those discussions came a gentle discussion about not wanting to have their choice about a childs life taken from them by not waiting for marriage to create life. We have had discussions with our 13 year old (mostly his dad) about how that life is created but the discussions about respecting life start when they ask about “choice”.
Hope that will help in some way.
Hey all,
This topic is close to my heart as I have 5 daughters. I have been worried by the attitudes I’ve seen in my local homeschool community (not by everyone of course) that the topic of sex is something that we are protecting our children from. These children are hit in the face with images and words everyday. They may not fully understand them, but their minds and hearts have reactions. I believe it’s our job to equip them with the knowledge that will help them deal with all they’ll face, even as children.
As far as books, there are great resources at Generations of Virtue. I’m not familiar with all their books, but we purchased a small 3 book set that dealt with body changes for girls. Each book gets into more detail as you go through the series. My oldest has kept the one dealing with periods in her sock drawer to reference as needed when she has questions. I believe they sell materials dealing with modesty and purity for all ages. They have booths at our convention in Indiana each year. It might be worth it to see if they are in your area. I always like actually looking at the books before I order online.
As far as how to approach the subject in general, I try to take my cue from the Bible. The Bible deals with a LOT of stuff. Stuff I’d never even imagined when I was a kid (take a look at the laws in Leviticus…you mean God had to TELL people not to do those things?!) But when the Bible deals with something sexual, God does so in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way. There is nothing gratuitous. It’s just plain old “here it is.” I’m so worried that we’ve let the world take over what sex is and what it means. And as Christians and homeschoolers, now we’re afraid of the subject. We need to take it back!
I’d like to add one last thing too. I do not make the “talk” contingent on my daughters’ development. Sometimes that stuff can sneak up on you. And also, they are hearing so much that I want them to have a Biblical understanding of what they are encountering in our culture. We start talking about stuff like this (on general levels) when they are 7 or 8. But I think each mom can gauge when their children are ready.
Well!!! This comes at just the right time!
My 10 year old daughter started her period this past Thursday. YIKES!!! I was 17 when I started so I was hoping for longer but….
We also use the American Girl book “The Care and Keeping of Me”. She is extremely modest and asked if she could read the book herself and then ask questions. (I did read it first.) She was very good at coming to me with questions and we had several really good discussion times. I have not given her all the information as far as sex is concerned but just answered her where she is at. Because of the openness between us this week when she started her period she was well prepared (more then me, I cried) and did not freak out at all.
We also have had discussions as far as males and females needed for babies as we have animals and the breeding process has been observed in them.
Great question!!
Rebecca Doty
My oldest child is a 12 year old boy. My husband is going through a book called “Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle” by Steven Arterburn. They read through a chapter each week or so and there are discussion questions as well. We also talk to him at different times, answering his questions and trying to pass along our values to him. He tends to go to his dad more often than not, but he does ask me questions. I also make a conscious effort to approach the subject with him so that he knows it’s not something to be afraid or ashamed of speaking with me about.
I have four children total and only one girl in the mix. She is only four. I answer her questions about why I wear a bra and why I need pads when she asks, but mostly I’m just trying to teach her to be a little lady right now. :o) There is also a book called “Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle”, but I have no experience with that.
Linda Botkin
I have really enjoyed reading what everyone has written.
My DD started wearing training bras about 2 years ago. I just told her girls will grow that way when she starts to change into a woman because that is the way God lets us feed our babies. It helped that I have breastfed all of the kidos.
We have talked about all the changes girls go through. I have been very “medical” and matter of fact about it. She asked what boys go through. I told her I don’t really know because I’m not a boy. That satisfied her, she hasn’t ever asked me about it again. My mother talked to about all of the changes when I was 5 years old. I knew what to expect and wasn’t afraid when at 9 I started my periods. I am open and honest. We haven’t used any books or anything, I don’t know if I can give the website…….but there is a free lapbook online from one of those free Homeschool places that is about that Amer. Girl book others have talked about. I’m sure you could google it. We have used some of it and are holding off on other parts of it.
She has asked about the how to of sex. That really caught me off guard. I told her I thought she was too young to know about that still and I would tell her at another time. Does anyone have any idea about that? How have you explained sex to your daughters and what age were they?
MariaR
Wow, what an important question. I’m right there myself with a daughter who will be 11 in October. So far we just talk about things as they come up, keeping it at a level of what she “needs to know”. We talk a lot about modesty, right to life, purity, waiting on God to bring your spouse to you, and the fact that God made male and female different. It is an honor to God for us to embrace our differences and be proud of our femininity. (I can’t stand to see these commercials where girls are playing a rough boys sport ant bragging about how they are just as tough as the boys. That’s another topic in itself I guess).
Someone mentioned not waiting on her development to start the talking because these things can sneak up on you. I totally agree. Her friend started her period when she was barely 10! Also, you never know, even being home schooled, when someone in a class or at Sunday school is going to start talking about things that they really don’t know about. I would rather my daughter have the truth and godly perspective coming into one of those unfortunate conversations.
I’ve also heard good things about the American Girl book. I’m sure it isn’t going to cover the spiritual aspects of this very big subject, but I’ve heard that it is well done. One example is that it discussed the possibility of friends being jealous if a girl starts to develop before her friends. This exact thing happened to our little friend and it was helpful for the mom to have read that and to help her daughter through it.
I’m not sure if that helps anyone. This question has spurred me on to make this a priority and not shrink back put it off for another day.
blessings,
Beth
My mother was WAY to liberal in her ideas of what children need to know when and how. She really screwed my sisters and I up, so I needed help in approaching this area. I have used the three book series Beautifully Made from Generations of Virtue with my girls as they start wearing their first bras. (My 2 oldest both started bras at 9). It is wonderfully done and has a book just for Mom to help overcome those strange things are parents may have blown it on. The books even have a wonderful section talking about menstruation and blood covenants – MUCH better approach than my mother’s! Having met and spoken with the mother daughter team at Generations of Virtue at a local conference, I would recommend their resources but I have not used them all personally.
This is so great that you asked this question. My oldest daughter is about to turn 11. I am anxious to see what advice is offered here. We live on a farm and the children have been “exposed” to animals and breeding, which has brought about some questions, but not too much pertaining to humans! hehe (The things that you learn on a farm.)
I am concerned that my oldest might not handle the monthly cycles very well. Maybe she will surprise me. I will have to talk to her soon, especially since I just read one of the responses here and the ladies’ daughter started at 10! Yikes! That means I am there! This could be coming any time starting now. I need to be prepared and prepare my daughter.
Thank you for taking the time to ask the question and for all the ladies who responded.
Katrina Boatwright
I am really enjoying this sharing. I personally grew up in a home where we didn’t really discuss such things, not that they were taboo or anything, just not discussed. When I was still quite young I was subjected to an experience no little girl should have to go through. It has only been recently (like in the last month or so) that I have realised how much this affected me in areas like perfectionism, controlling tendencies, and many others. I have been told that this result is common where abuse happens in situations where openness about body issues and sexuality is not present because it forces the child to figure out their own ways of processing and coping with what has happened. That has really challenged me as I realised that we do not really talk openly in our own home with our son (10) and daughter (9). Neither of us has seen what that is like so it is hard to invent it for ourselves. So I am thankful for this topic now and will read with greater diligence as I realise how important this is. I pray that none of our little ones will ever have to face abuse, but I also pray that if they do they will feel such an freedom to come and find comfort and support to process whatever may happen.
Ruth V
I have young children, so I don’t have an answer about talking with an 11 year old. However, I would recommend the NavPress published book series called God’s Design For Sex. There are at least 4 books in the series for various ages- teaching children in an age appropriate way how God made them and how their bodies are made. I have been able to get the books through the library so you might check there before buying.
My girls are fairly young, but I believe that this ‘talk’ shouldn’t be a single event, but an ongoing openness to discussing God’s design for marriage and intimacy with children throughout their lives.
My girls are 6, 3, and 1, and so far we pretty much leave it at knowing about pregnancy, menstruation, breastfeeding, and that mommy’s and daddy’s cuddle in a special way that only married people should, and that is how God blesses them with a baby.
How else can we explain certain aspects of the Bible without some rudimentary understanding of this? I was just reading about David and Bathsheba with my children yesterday :). Our kidlings are little, but we really like “God Made Your Body” from Bethany House by Jim Burns. It doesn’t go into the details of intimacy (which we don’t feel our children are ready for yet), but it does talk about where babies come from.
It’s also important to equip our children with enough knowledge to protect them against sexual abuse – sadly I know some women who were abused because they were SO sheltered in this area (being raised in a culture where pregnancy was NEVER discussed to avoid any questions about sexuality.)
BethAnn – I really liked your post! Lots of great thoughts and recommendations here.
You know, Valerie, I have had the same problems. My mother-in-law gave my daughter the American Girl book for girls, and my daughter asked me some questions that made me take a look at that book. I mean, when girls are just starting to have their periods, they can be pretty young still and just don’t need to know all that is out there yet. My daughter asked me what tampons were, and I did not want to answer that, really. I mean, I know some people do use them, and I have in the past, so I am not saying they are bad or anything, but I know what my daughter needs to know and what she can handle, and that was disturbing for her. I mean, they are just learning about this and pads are weird enough, and to think of how tampons work can be scary to them at this young age.
I guess my point is that there will be things in books that not everyone wants to teach. I don’t think there is a “perfect” book out there.
I think YOU are the perfect person to teach her this stuff. You have already went throughit all, and you know your child best and what she needs to know or can handle at different ages. I think just having these talks as they naturally arise will be best. You may want to talk about certain issues before they arise, so that they will know what to expect, but since I have an almost 13 year old daughter, I know that the occasions will arise, and you will be rest assured that she learned from you and not from a book that someone else wrote.
Good Luck, Rodna James
This is a great question and I wrote down all the books everyone has mentioned.
My girls are 4 and 6 so I “thought” I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this yet. However, my 6 year old is never satisfied with an easy answer. All the funny stories I heard about moms going into way more detail than kids needed……………not my daughter. We have an older cousin who got pregnant at 15. I have tried to be very calm and rational (ha,ha,ha,ha) in answering all the questions. We were visiting while she was pregnant and the girls were examining her tummy and asking me questions. Of course, they asked how the baby got in there. I was trying to be smart and said because she made a bad decision. When my oldest gave me a strange look, I knew we’d miscommunicated somehow. Upon further discussion, she thought I said her cousin got the baby in there because of bad braces. We had just seen a teenage friend who had colored braces. I try not to be smart now. If I wouldn’t have pursued her confusion, who knows how long she would have thought babies got inside because of bad braces. I am looking forward to looking at some of these books, hoping for help with “the talk”. Eeeek!
Linda Sprague
My girls are all developing early, like at 10. I was 13 when my period started, and I think I may have started wearing a bra around the same time. I haven’t told them much right when their period starts except to prepare them beforehand for how to take care of themselves and what to expect. It was very traumatic for my second daughter even though she knew what to expect. She didn’t want to become a woman. I haven’t had any explicit talks with any of them yet. I have let them know that if they want to know anything to come to me any time. They have seen me deliver several babies. I don’t want to try to push on them any more than they are ready for. My husband has talked to our 2 oldest sons, but my daughters would prefer that we just leave all that for later!
My kids know that people should only do what causes babies after they’re married. They’re not sure what that is, but it’s enough for them right now.
Penney Douglas