Wondering what Mommy Homework is??? Each week you will have an “assignment” here to share in our comments here on this site. You will love this-both sharing AND enjoying answers by others. Some of them, I compile into an ebook (contributors can resell as a product of their own–be sure to submit your email and full name when you register so I can credit you appropriately!).
The result is AWESOME!
We get to know each other…we are encouraged in our journey…and we glean super ideas from other great moms!
Ready for this week’s MH? This is a good one!
Our topic this week is “Secrets to Successful Marriages”
Your Assignment This Week…
This week, I will be teaching a workshop on this topic for the Ultimate Women’s Expo. This is really fired me up! I have had conversations all week with people across my path asking them what their “secrets” to their marriages are. Well, now is my turn to ask YOU.
What are your secrets to a passionate, forever marriage? If you had a sweet prospective bride before you, what would be the one thing that you think they should know? BTW…that question does not mean a one-liner answer. 🙂 That means, write your own letter to a prospective bride sharing YOUR secret to a successful marriage.
I can’t wait!
AND…join us Tuesday at 1PM when I teach this topic in our free Preview Chat for the Ultimate Women’s Expo! 🙂
Love ya!
Cindy
PS! Please remember to use your real name if you want credit for your Mommy Homework Credit.
PPS! You CAN just share and not participate in Mommy Homework, BUT I would LOVE for you to get some goodies along the way!
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PPPSS! If you are new, all you do to share your MH is first register (see the link on the bottom of the page–scroll all the way to the very bottom), then log in with your name and password that you select. Share away!
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Deadline–Friday at midnight CST.
Cassie Archer says
A friends daughter got married today, what a perfect topic. First of all I would have to say figure out what the small stuff is. We are always told not to sweat the small stuff, I say if you know what the small stuff is before hand you are better off. Money is the small stuff if you know it comes from God alone. Where the measuring spoons ended up is the small stuff, the toilet lid is the small stuff (does take some getting used to though).
Next keep in mind the two greatest commandments, they apply in your home too. It is all too easy to try and keep those commandments outside of our homes and then let loose when we are in the safety of our own home. Love God, talk with him all day long. Love your husband, and future family, as yourself (how you want to be loved).
Ok, the commandments go first, then the small stuff. If we have these two things figured out we will make it, happily, joyfully, and lovingly.
Cassie
knellums says
I first thing that came to mind with this assignment “Be mindful of your words”. Words are things that once released you can never take back. Even if the giver of those words is remorseful and repentent of what was said, it’s still ingrained in the receiver’s mind and emotions.
My husband and I don’t argue, but we do have disagreements sometimes. I have made it my personal rule to not say anything in the heat of a discussion because I may regret it. This gives my will and emotions time to sort through whats going on and try to see things from my husband’s perspective, but most importantly, I go to God’s word and ask Him to make things clear for me.
This is another point: My husband and I have a very loving marriage that is in balance because we do make God’s Word the first and final authority in our family. I really like my call to be submissive to my husband. It takes so much pressure off of me to try to be a man and a woman. As I’m submissive to my husband, he is so very loving to me. It is a cycle that has its rewards.
We are on a quest to improve our marriage all the time. One of the fastest resources we have are marriage enrichment books.
Thank you Cindy for the opportunity to share this.
Maryd says
We have been married 20 years in May of ’09 and have been through the gamut of stuff, including 12 years of trying to have children and countless other stuff some of my best advice follows (these are some things that I told my niece in love last summer before she married my nephew)
Read your Bible daily, pray, pray, pray for your spouse, believe in your spouse (no matter what happens!), never go to bed angry, know when to shut up, give them the freedom to be wrong (without you telling them they are!). Remember we live in a fallen world and nothing (no one) is perfect or ever will be. Marriage is forever look at it that way from the beginning, Make time for each other esp after the children arrive. Always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Think/pray before speaking (maybe you really need to say nothing) Learn to cook his favorite meal really well and surprise him with it (in our house this involves seafood and steaks or ribs). Remind him daily that you are in this for the long haul and that you want to be with him when he gets old and gray! Teach your children to love their father by your example (when dh is not home I am the boss when dh is home he is the boss…took me a long time to really follow this but it is easy now and easier on me too!) When the children come along it is perfectly exceptable to send them to grandma’s, aunts, etc to be alone with your husband to remind yourselves why you love each other remember that someday the kids will grow up and move away you will be left with your spouse so make sure you still know each other! I know I have said this before but PRAY for your spouse, his health, his job, etc (there are great books out there on this) Tell him you love him each day!
Mary Damask
Vicki Merrill says
Dear (Prospective Bride),
Congratulations! I am so glad to hear you have chosen to walk down this awesome path. Yes, a path. It is not always a smooth walk, it is sometimes rough and bumpy. It can also be a steep climb to the mountain top, or an unexpected descent into the valley.
Know from the very beginning that divorce is not an option. If you don’t think it is, it won’t be. Welcome the changes that your husband will bring to you….don’t worry about all the changes you want to make in him! You be who you need to be in Christ in your service to him, and he will be all you could ever want in a forever friend.
Respect him and he will love you. Never belittle him, as ultimately you will only be belittling yourself and losing out on the chance for the love of a lifetime.
There is nothing wrong with losing yourself in your spouse, the two becoming one. You will be stronger for it.
Trust in God and enjoy each day.
Vicki
lld77 says
After 16 years of ups and downs in our marriage I think we have finally realized how important it is to keep God at the center of the marriage. How much our individual walks with the Lord affect our marriage and our family is important to keep in mind. And being selfless to others especially our spouse is key to all relationships and general Christian living. We have on the back of our church business cards the following:
Godly Priorities:
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Work
5. Church
6. Extended Family/Friends
7. Yourself
Keeping me at number Seven is hard to do! And keeping hubby at #2 and not switching him with the kiddos is something I have to work at daily!
Lori Duncan
avonleajules says
I think as wives one of the best things we can do is participate fully in our husband’s interests and hobbies. I wish someone had clued me into this before we were married. Avoid “alone hobbies” and instead focus on what you can do together. I never thought I would become a computer gamer, but for my husband participating in his hobbies with him is a need. We have tried out many new hobbies together: board games, bonsai, gardening, listening to and discussing books, etc. Even if I don’t have an interest I’ve found I can build an interest over time.
Julia Reffner
Shannon Depew says
For me, this began long before the wedding or the marriage. My husband and I were truly friends first. We took our relationship slow and made sure that we liked each other enough to spend our lives together. The time we spent before marriage was wonderful. We laughed, talked, laughed, loved, laughed, shared, laughed….we laughed a lot and thoroughly enjoyed our time together.
Another truly important thing for my husband and I is to believe the same things. We both put our children first. This is how WE want it and it makes for a beautiful family. Every days for us is a celebration of us, our marriage and our family. Our girls know they are the center of our world and that mommy and daddy both feel this way.
Communication is also of the utmost importance. We share everything. We know each other sooo well. Refer to my first point. Sometimes it amazes how truly well we do know each other.
The most obvious and important is having a Christ centered family and life.
Last, but not least….LOVE
Shannon Depew
romack9 says
After 24 years of being married to my best friend, I’ve learned marriage is work! Wonderful, hard, exciting, rewarding work. My grandmother says, “If it can happen, it’s happened to Larry and Lyndra”. A slight exaggeration, but not far off the mark! When Larry and I first married we decided divorce would never be an option. We had no idea what roads we would be traveling, how hard they might be, what might come along that would attempt to divide us. One thing was certain, divorce was not an option. That one decision required us to learn to overcome obstacles together, as a team. That took a LOT of work and wasn’t always easy. We both can be very competitive and headstrong! I had to learn that being right isn’t always worth the battle. Some hills just aren’t worth dying for. I had to learn to choose my battles wisely (okay I’m still learning that one). I refuse for us to go to bed or leave the house angry. I never want my last words to my husband to be words that hurt. I just couldn’t live with that. I’ve learned a sense of humor goes a long way! Dating should never end just because you said “I do”. Some day the children will be gone (sooner than you could ever imagine) and it will be back to the two of us. I don’t want to be living with a stranger! I learned to become interested in what interested my precious man. Funny thing, our interest can change through the years and that gives us the opportunity to learn knew things! Allow each other to grow and change…as God leads. When I quit trying to be my husband’s Holy Spirit, we got along a lot better! Let me mention that sense of humor thing again!! Life is too short to be spent angry! Remember why you married in the first place and celebrate, really celebrate the love you have for each other. There are times you won’t feel “in love” and that’s okay. Feelings come and go. With that in mind, do the romantic things…love notes left in the sock drawer, candles on the table (kids love it), hold hands, draw hearts on the bathroom mirror (I keep a dry erase marker in the bathroom – wipes right off!), make out in the car after the kids go to bed! Of course we’ve prayed together, read the Bible together, worshiped together. Those lay a solid foundation. But a foundation isn’t much if you don’t build something! What are you building? What’s your attitude? I’ve had to check mine over and over. I can truly say I love my man more now than ever and look forward to more years of growing closer to each other as we grow closer to God.
~Lyndra Romack
Jennifer George says
My advice to a young bride to be on how to have a happy marriage – remember that neither of you are perfect and have a sense of humour when things are at their most annoying.
After 15 years of marriage we know that there are certain things about each other that bug us and are not likely to change. Sometimes all it takes the lighten the mood is to say “Nag 52” or “Lecture 16” and he knows exactly what I am talking about because it is an old issue that I just need to vent on, or bring to his attention, but I know I also don’t need to dump that anger into our relationship. We even sometimes bounce back and forth numbers until we start to feel much lighter and feel we have had our say (although we haven’t really!).
Protect your home emotionally, don’t bring negative emotions and memories into it. Once you do it is hard to evict them. Life will not always be easy but together you are much stronger than apart. That is how God planned it! For marriage to build us and grow us!
If you feel you must bring something other than those attitudes expressed in 1 Corinthians 13 then do it indirectly. Write it all out in a journal, pray for guidance for another way to handle it that doesn’t involve dumping on your husband, and then, only then, tell your dh calmly what was going on in your heart and the solution that you feel will help. Do not talk to your friends about your problems. It harms their opinion of your dh and your marriage. Always speak the best and you will have the best.
It takes time to grow together but it feels good to do it. I know we have weathered some tough things over the 15 years we have been married, some my fault, some his, some just plain youthful stupidity, but we have stuck together, kept talking to each other, and just laughed off the rest.
Best wishes
Jen in Oz
BeckyYoder says
Dear (Bride’s Name),
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. One of the things I have learned in my marriage is to make sure your husband knows you respect him. Let him know he’s your hero even when things are rough. When he is having a bad day, thank him for something good he has done or for trying so hard to do something he may be struggling with but is having a hard time accomplishing. Always keep God first in your marriage. Pray for your husband, be his helper in any way you can. Let him be the head of the house. It is easier on both of you if you do that 🙂 God knew what he was doing we He said the husband was to be the head of the family.
Becky
(I feel like I repeated a lot of what was already said. The whole respect thing was something I had never though of until I read a book about it about a year or so ago. It has helped me a lot. My marriage wasn’t in trouble or anything but it added a new demention to it. God is so faithful to show us what He wants for us and His ways are definetly best !!)
Kela says
May I add a couple more things?
*Don’t take yourself too seriously. Learn to laugh (especially at yourself) because there will be plenty of opportunity.
*This may be an oxymoron, but it makes sense: Be responsibly spontaneous!
rodnamomof2 says
Dear prospective bride,
You are about to embark on one of the most amazing jouney’s in your life! While it will be new and exciting in the beginning, there will be a day that you find that everything is not perfect. But that’s ok. No marriage, or person, can be perfect.
If you can keep a few things in mind, things will go a lot smoother.
First, enjoy and accept your God-given roles in your marriage. God made your husband to be the head of your family and he created “you” to be his helpmeet!
It is a good thing though, so do not worry.
It is a blessing to have your husband be the head of your family.
Do not look at it as do most women in this day and age. Do not look at it as unfair or old-fashioned.
You will find that you and your husband do not always agree. Keep in mind when this occurs, that your husband will want your advice and opinion, but that in the end if he makes a decision that is not what you would have made, it is ok. Please do not emasculate him by telling him, “No, that is not the way it is going to be”. I know too many women who do this and it only makes matters worse. Trust me , you do not want to end up fighting over every little thing that you disagree on. I am not teling you that you have no opinion or that you do not matter, but it is, ultimately, his final decision.
Let him make his decision and supprt him on it, even if you think it was the wrong one. He is ultimately responsible for the outcome of the family decisions, and you are responsible for supporting your husband.
Your husband will be so proud to have a supportive wife who does not nag him on everything!
Second, I know that the housework and (if there will be children) the children can be hard to take care of. You may feel like you are doing this all by yourself and that it is too hard and that it is not fair that your husband is not helping.
But one of the best things that I have learned is that it is not a hardship, but a privelage to be able to do these things.
It is a wonderful blessing to be able to take care of your husband, home or children that God so graciously gave you.
Try to be responsible with your money. It pleases your husband to know that his wife will not just throw away his money on every litle thing.
When you do fight, try not to hold a grudge. Try to be soft hearted and quick to forgive. It doesn’t help matters any to keep the fight going.
There will be many more good times than there are bad, but it seems like the bad just stand out the most.
Try to keep snide comments out of the picture. It is hard to keep fighting if the other person is not fighting back. Stay soft spoken and genuine and you shouldn’t be able to get into too many tuffs! LOL
Seriously though, the biggest problems I see in marriages today is when we try to step out of our God given roles. Try to remember that God gave us our roles for a reason and he will bless us if we remain in them.
P.S. Don’t forget about the romance department!!! Remember to show him affection and admiration! This is his love language and shows him that you do love and respect him!!!
Have a very blessed marriage.
Love, Rodna James
HappyMorning says
Dear (friend and prospective bride),
My happiness for your special day coming up is bubbling over because I know how excited you are and how great marriage can be. It isn’t as easy as we thought when we were single though, so I just wanted to send you out a little note telling you what I’ve learned in my 6 years of marriage. I think we should start with the phase that you are in now because many important decisions can be made now that can help or hinder you in those first years of being Mrs. _______. Some advise that was given to me prior to marriage that I want to pass along to you. These words echo in my head often. I had heard these words before, but somehow they began to impact me more when I was soon-to-be married. “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)You and your prospective husband make up two of the cords. The third cord is God. Keep Him in your marriage, and it will be more difficult to destroy. There are many people and many things that will try to destroy your marriage, but if you have all three strands, it won’t be an easy task!
I also believe in Godly pre-marital counsel. I hope that you and your to-be husband have a good relationship with one or two pastors and their wifes…or another Godly couple that you admire, respect, and would want to pattern your marriage by theirs. Tell them that you are engaged and you’d like to sit down with them for a few sessions of Godly counsel. My husband and I did this, and I can tell you that there were things that they brought up that we hadn’t talked about…or even considered. This was truly a blessing to me to find out things about my husband that I hadn’t thought to ask him on my own. These sessions were wonderful…we were asked hard questions, but it brought us closer together. It pushed us to examine ourselves as singles and how it would change as we became a couple…as we became one.
A book came out a few years ago, and though I never read it and do not know the title, I have heard a lot about it. Our pastor even shared some of it with our congregation in church. The book revolves around the Biblical concept that a man needs respect from his wife and a wife needs love from her husband. This is so true. I have seen it played out many times in my own marriage. Respect your husband. Let him lead. Let him fulfill his role. Guard your tongue when you do not agree with him. God has given Him this role, and God will lead him. When he feels respected, he will be much more likely to fulfill the love that you need from him. This doesn’t excuse either party…you should respect, even if he doesn’t love…he should love, even if you don’t respect…but if you do your part, then he’s much more likely to do his. Always do the right thing, even if no one else is…and this includes your husband.
Take time to enjoy one another. Include yourself in his hobbies, introduce him to yours. Do something together that neither of you have done before. Just REALLY become his best friend.
I wish you joy and happiness in your marriage. I will pray for you.
Love,
Hillary G.
kathleen.nobodyhome says
Oh, what a wonderful topic! I’ve been married six years, and I’ve learned several things (usually the hard way). First, think before you speak. I once made a careless comment about how we handle our finances and my husband took it as an assault on his manhood. Be very careful of complaining and whining; it’s so easy to do sometimes!
Also, there are different definitions of “romantic.” My guy isn’t really the type to go all-out for Valentine’s Day, but it’s the little things he does for me every single day that make me fall in love with him all over again. Just because he doesn’t buy you flowers and diamonds doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
This may sound cliche, but marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Give it your all, regardless of whether you think he’s doing the same. Pray without ceasing, for him and for your marriage. Remember: Love is a choice. It’s not all about the mushy feelings we feel for each other. It’s the commitment to stick it out no matter what, until death do you part.
And don’t forget to say, “I love you!”
mamakven says
Ok, this is very fitting because i wrote an article on my blog, a couple weeks ago on this very topic. I’m going to cut and paste here. I hope that’s ok.
Tips for protecting your marriage
The last few months have been amazing for my dh and I. The 6 months or so preceeding, were pretty awful. We have always had a pretty good marriage. We laugh together, we joke a lot, we work as a team pretty well. But i have to tell you, it takes very very little to GRADUALLY start things down the wrong path. Husbands and wives have very different but very important needs, and when one is neglected, it can turn into a slippery slope that has the potential to end up someplace you never dreamed it could.
1. Respect your role. Wives, be submissive to your husbands, Husbands, love your wives like Christ loved the church. Wives, even if you have a valid concern and even if your husband is quite obviously WRONG, guard against the instinct you will have to fight against him. It just can’t go anywhere good. NOT only will you LOSE the argument at hand, if you make wrong choices, and behave badly, then you will not only LOSE the argument, you will also trash your marriage. Take your concerns to the Lord, HE is the only one who really truly understands you and HE is the ONLY one you can trust WHOLLY.
2. Take time together. Relationships require SO much time, love and attention… Think of how you feel toward an old friend you haven’t talked to in ages who has changed a lot. You don’t know them anymore! Don’t make that mistake with your marriage! KNOW your spouse, take every opportunity to sit and talk together about meaningful things! Make date nights a priority, maybe get up early and eat breakfast together, or stay up late and pray together before bed. Don’t neglect the physical aspect of your relationship. A GREAT sexual relationship does WONDERS for building up other aspects of your relationship.
3. Do NOT put your children first in priority. This is so hard. Falling in love with your children is inevitable and wonderful. Its so crucial to remain attached at parent your children in such a way that they know they are loved and valued. But that can be done without being at the expense of your spouse! He needs you too! And someday it will just be the two of you (HOPEFULLY!) You want to be able to talk, and relate and be friends with each other.
4. GUARD your heart. I know, you probably think you would NEVER cheat on your spouse. Believe me, I did too. And i didn’t physically, but i DID emotionally.
And let me tell you, there is NO difference. It is just as devastating to your family regardless. KNOW yourself well enough to know your triggers, know your weakness. I always assumed that because i didn’t have lust issues, IE. look at a good looking guy and feel lustful, that i was not even a candidate for this. What i didn’t realize is that my personality is such that i am drawn to personality. I was drawn to a regular looking guy, because he was compassionate and kind, and giving. I, being a compassionate nurturing, interpersonal type person, was eager to be there for a male friend who seemed lonely. BAD idea. Watch out for friendships with the opposite gender. Its playing with fire. Its NOT worth your marriage. And you know what else? It’s NOT worth the damage to your own psyche that ensues either. I think as married people, we tend to forget what getting your heart broken feels like. But “I” can’t forget. Because its so fresh and so raw, STILL, months later. And being such a complicated situation, on soooooo many levels, its THAT much worse than when you are still a kid.
5. If you discover you have NOT guarded your heart well, and something happens, STOP it. WHATEVER is going on, no matter how small, if it feels wrong to you, it absolutely is. Don’t doubt yourself, don’t continue the path you are traveling, do whatever you can to break ties with the person with whom you have an inappropriate relationship. Do NOT give in to thoughts that lead you to believe you could have a future with this person. You will NOT. A teeny tiny percentage of remarraiges based on affairs succeed. That’s because when one person leaves their spouse for another, its seldom because they are TRULY incompatible. Usually you have a wound in yourself that needs to be healed, you can’t fix that by seeking to be filled by another person. Come clean to your spouse, allow him to help you decide how to best handle the situation. Ask him to please be your covering, to be your protection in every way. To help you guard your heart, to help you prevent yourself from being in wrong situations, to love you and cherish you and help you to know you are loved. If his covering over you is strong, you can withstand SO much.
Finally, keep in the forefront of your mind that your marriage is far more than a contract. It is a covenant. It is intended to be strong and powerful and beautiful and eternal. If yours has become floppy and weak and flimsy, you need to strengthen it, NOT tear it down. If you ask God to help you, He WILL and you can take that floppy sad excuse for a thing, and turn it into something strong and proud and beautiful that will stand, and will reinforce you and your husband as you work to strengthen it, and build each other up in the process. But this can only happen if you have the humility to take whatever steps are needed. You can’t be prideful and selfish and expect anything to change. SOMEONE has to be the one who gives MORE. It will never ever be a perfect 50/50 split. Why not you? When i was in that bad situation, earlier this year, i would constantly remind myself what a JERK dh was, what he was doing wrong, why HE was shooting himself in the foot and wrecking our marriage. But in the back of my mind i kept having this nagging feeling of “But aren’t I the one who’s supposed to help him when he’s acting stupid? Aren’t I the one who knows him BEST and can most effectively help him out of a rut? And i was totally right. I AM the one who is supposed to be there for him and recognize when things are not right for him, and be there to give him a hug and tell him I love him anyway. The thing is, there will always be struggles in life. And its US against the world, NOT me against him. I hope that anyone reading who is having issues might be able to apply the lessons I’ve learned in my life to avoid having to learn them personally.
Jeniver Boyer says
Wow Ladies, I see some wonderful answers here already. I would say to a new bride that the secret to a wonderful marriage is to keep God first. Pray together, read the Bible together and grow together. My husband prays as we grow clorser to God we will also grow closer to each other. He illustrates this with a triangle with us at the bottom corners and God at the top.
I would also say to remember to talk to each other. I know communication is really important to women and sometimes we have to work at getting our husbands to talk, but it is worth all the effort to stay connected.
Finally, I have started asking my husband how I can pray for him and what I can do to help him with his day. This seems to be a boost to our relationship and has helped me to put him before myself and the children.
Love each other every day and enjoy the blessings of being one.
In His Abounding Grace,
Jeniver
audrajean says
Dear My sweet Bride,
I can’t believe I have watched you grow into such a fine young lady! It has gone by so quickly. Now, the time has come for you to be married. Truly a highlight of your life. Oh, how I remember thumbing through the Bride magazines, dreaming of THE DRESS. I know you notice everyone’s engagement rings, I did. Which cake, how many bridesmaids, all of the never ending details that must be perfect! This is a special time for you. You have so many ideals and desires for this engagement time and the wedding day. It is fun and frustrating. Just take a deep breath, enjoy, and try not to feel like you have to have this perfect fairytale day. I encourage you to just think about what is going to make this a special memory someday when you are showing your children and remembering with Mama. I was absolutely amazed at how all of this planning and dreaming for years about this one event was over so quickly. When Jason and I were driving to Gulf Shores for our honeymoon, I was just in shock. It’s over, all of that stressing and now it is over. Little did my young, naive self realize that I had been concentrating on the wrong thing all of that time. It wasn’t the day that mattered as much as the days after!
Now, we have been married for nearly 13 years! We still can hardly believe we have been blessed with six children. This is why I wanted to write to you at this crossroad in your life. You have potential for a very happy, satisfying life. You are both believers and want to serve the Lord. This is the most important detail that must be right or it will cause you so much heartache in the future. I am happy you have this. Now, I would like to share some things with you that have helped Jason and I to have such a happy marriage.
I love him more now than ever, that is the beauty of true love. You see, we are both fatter, have some gray hairs and wrinkles, rough hands, and I don’t always have fresh washed hair and makeup on when we are together. The outside doesn’t matter so much now, we know the true inside of one another. He has had opportunities to catch my puke in his hands (birth of first child), I have pulled infected hairs out of his cheeks, we have been in the trenches together caring for multiple children with stomach viruses. Real life isn’t always pretty. Nor, is it kind. I have griped at him for things I shouldn’t have because I was tired. He has talked to me too harshly because he was impatient. We aren’t always all smiles in the middle of the storms. I tell you the bad so you can appreciate the good. What makes all of this o.k. is because we have this true love, the kind of love that doesn’t walk out because it got tough. The type of love that is committed to those vows even when the honeymoon has been over so long you can’t remember it and all you know is there has been way too much whining through this day and you can’t find the kitchen, much less cook supper.
This is what you have to know to make it through the hard times.
1. Marriage is for good. There is no other option. Whenever you think “I can’t do this anymore” about anything in life, marriage, kids, whatever. You have to know that actually, you may not want to do it, but truly you can do it. With Christ’s strength these things are possible.
2. Pick your battles. We learned this pretty early on, we could fight about a lot of things. I didn’t like some things he did and vice versa. But why fight? These things just weren’t worth the energy it took to fuss about it. Don’t walk around with your feelings on your shoulders. So what if he doesn’t do everything your way? I have been told by Jason a hundred times “There’s more than one way to skin a cat” . Whoever skins cats, I don’t know, but that is his country boy motto and I learned early on that if I wanted peace and a happy little hubby, I needed to let him skin his cats his way! I also had to learn to give in and occasionally do things his way when it was important to him. Before long, you will both meet in the middle enough that it wont be his or her way but OUR way. That is nice. That’s what it is all about. Learning to share, give, love enough, put away selfish pride and have some team work.
3. Appreciate him for who he is and accept your role as helpmeet. Don’t fight God’s beautiful design. Memorize verses that apply to your role as a wife and woman of God. Read Debi Pearl’s book Created to be his helpmeet and enjoy. You are not called to be his holy spirit. God does that much better than us. Do what I tell my kids all the time. YOU WORRY ABOUT YOU Take care of what you are supposed to be doing and let God deal with others!
4. Realize his needs. We are wired differently. He needs to be needed, respected, and adored. Let him know that no one else could make you happier and that you are so blessed to have him! He in turn can’t read your mind, so you have to tell him what you need, in a loving way. Communicate.
I think this is probably enough to absorb for now. You can’t watch movies and base your expectations of love and romance on a script. It’s not real. Watch successful couples. Find you a good Christian woman and learn from her. Don’t spend a lot of time with those who are bad influences on you. If you notice after you hang up the phone that you have been bad mouthing your hubby, don’t make that a regular call! Remember to always have dates and time you spend just talking. This is critical after your babies are born. Oh and Don’t be bossy and posessive with the babies either. You will mess up relationships all around if you do. (YOU with Husband and kids with daddy) Well, sweetie, I think I could keep on a talkin’. So, I tell you what, anytime you have a question or problem, come over. We will chat and I’ll tell you more. One of these days, and it wont be long, time truly flies, you are going to be sharing your own advice and experiences. So, just enjoy this sweet time of life and realize each day is a gift from God. Don’t neglect to thank HIM for blessing your life. Love, Audrey
Audrey Archie MS
bloodcoveredprincess says
In order to have a successful marriage you need to be perfect wife for Your Own Husband. This sounds like a tall order – but it gets much easier when you remember that God himself made you to be perfect for the job!!
Then He called you to do it and those he calls he also equips.
He left you lots of helpful hints and tips (the Bible) and even a job description (Proverb 31:10-31). The job is carried out under constant supervision (His) and on the job training is available for those who request it (He gives wisdom to those who ask).
Warning – The task is impossible to perform correctly without following the helpful hints and tips (reading your bible) and requesting the on the job training (praying).
Exert from job description – Proverbs 31:10
“A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman–who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls“.
I like rubies and I like pearls – I have a little pearl in a heart shaped cage on a silver chain. I call it my proverb 31 necklace because it reminds me of two things. First that I too want to be a virtuous woman who’s value is far more than pearls. Second and more importantly it reminds me how pearls are made.
You see it’s a wish pearl which you buy still inside the oyster. You have to open the shell, ferret around and then pop out the pearl. It really is quite exciting!
Do you know how that little creature made my pearl? Something irritated it so the oyster started to cover it in beauty. The more the irritation the more beauty the oyster had to give out.
When your husband gives you irritation give him beauty – God’s kind of beauty “…….. love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22)
Also I am in what is called an unequally yoked marriage. (I became a Christian after I married and my husband is not (yet) a Christian). So I have to give my husband a lot of leeway when it comes to being the “perfect husband”. You see I am yoked to Jesus (who will provide all the extra strength I need) whereas he is struggling to do his best in his own strength (and I would say doing a very splendid job considering)!
So when he does hand me an irritation I have to choose – Shall I make pearls or shall I made waves??? Remember Love is a Decision not a feeling. If you want a successful marriage choose to love!
Love and Blessings
Angela Marchington.
Karen Gebes says
Oh my I don’t even know how I can add to what has already been shared. Here’s my go at it…
Dear Beautiful,
Today you shine like the precious gem you are. Today you are in love and everything is wonderful. Today it seems as though life couldn’t get any better. Then comes tomorrow and another tomorrow and the rest of your life starts.
When the rest of your life begins you will HAVE to wake up every morning determined to love your man no matter what. When he is cranky – love him. When he is angry – love him. When he is tired and has had a bad day at work – love him. When he would rather go hunting or fishing than spend your anniversary together – love him (yes, personal experience there). When he is happy – love him. When he needs you – love him. When the kids go to bed – LOVE him. 😉
Marriage is sacrifice. You will have to sacrifice your wants, needs and time in order to love your man through all the seasons of your life together. Keep in mind that he is also sacrificing. As wives and mothers we will never fully understand the struggles a husband and father have. Their responsibility outweighs ours any day. Imagine the pressure that weighs on you when your whole family’s well-being depends on what you do or don’t do.
Smile. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband. Smile when you are sad, smile even bigger when you are happy.
I could spend a better part of an hour just telling you what you should do, but it all boils down to – you and your husband must make your home. It should have your own traditions, with your own “what works, what doesn’t” all under the guidance and protection of Our Lord. Remember, true love begins when the struggles are meant with sacrifices from both.
God bless you and keep your close to His side.
Mrs. Karen Gebes
hknisley says
I’m on my third marriage, so I don’t know if I’m an expert, or if I need help in this area! The big thing that I have learned is that God made men and women differently in order for them to fill different rolls. When I was young I had the feminist attitude that I could do anything a man could do. Well, that’s true to an extent, but it’s not meant to be that way! Things work so much better when we follow the biblical model of marriage. When I realized that I was here to be my husband’s helpmeet, and not to do his job better than him, things went much smoother. Women are blessed with hearts that are loving and nurturing. Use these gifts in service to your husband and your family, so that they SEE how much you care about them. And by doing so you’re not only honoring your husband, you’re honoring God.
Heather Bice
Michelle Fitzgerald says
Hi Cindy,
I still have a long ways to go in this area. Better than it used to be, but can still improve.
Anyhoo, My nephew and his fiance` got married in Dec. 2008.
They had a `Get to know you` gathering in Fl. so my nephews friends/family could meet her and the wedding took place in Michigan, so her family/friends could attend.
The invitation for the gathering in Fl. included to cards. One for our family recipe and one for a recipe for a great marriage. What a wonderful way to begin your marriage. By asking your marriage to be blessed by learning about what works. I may just have to pass along some of these ideas. What a great question.
Blessings,
Michelle Fitzgerald
Betsy Richardson says
After twenty-two years, the best advice I could give a prospective bride is to simply treat your man like the king of the castle that he is. Put him above all else, except God, letting him know that he is most important in your life. Honestly, as long as it is God who occupies the number one spot in my heart my husband is totally content with the number two position. (And this goes both ways. I’ll take a backseat to God any day!)
Respect, honor and love are shown and not just mere words to be repeated. Make sure you show him these things. Personally, baking my husband his favorite cake or pie just because I love him conveys this. Sometimes I do a chore around the house for him so he can relax on a weekend. Showing respect, honor and love will be done differently with each man so find out what it looks like to him and run with it.
Always remember when a woman’s actions causes her man to feel like her super-hero he can take on the world and win! This goes a long way in building the marriage that weathers all of life’s storms and stands the test of time.
Tracie says
I don’t have much time so here is my quick list:
1. God first no matter what
2. Husband next (especially true once kids are in the picture)
3. Give your husband respect–even when you don’t agree!!
4. Always try to say YES to intimacy (unless there is a true reason to abstain–if you don’t “feel” like it then take some time and pray about it)
5. Keep disagreements between the 2 of you–don’t take it home to mom and dad–they wont get flowers or an “I’m sorry” from dh but they very well may remember how their dd was hurt
6. Fight fair–stay on topic don’t bring up the past
7. Stop what ever you are doing when dh comes in the door from work and kiss him–a real kiss–let him know you are happy he’s home!!
happymom38 says
I don’t think I can top what is already written!!
Marriage is a covenant between God, your husband, and you. It is never intended to be broken. You must enter marriage with the knowledge that this is forever – until death do you part.
This doesn’t mean everything will be perfect. It won’t. Marriage is not 50/50. Some days your husband won’t be able to give much if any at all. That is when you must make up the difference and give your 95 to 100 percent.
Your husband will never meet all our needs. Christ is the only perfect man. It is during these times that we must turn to the Lord, pray and trust Christ to meet our needs.
Pray that the Lord will give you a successful marriage. Pray specifically for your relationship. Pray for armour around your marriage so the enemy can never get a foothold. God’s will is that you would have a successful marriage.
If your husband is not where you think he should be spiritually do not nag him about it or even tell him. Pray for him, be respectful to him, and be a Godly loving wife. Husbands are to won by our actions, not our words (1 Peter 3:1.)
Annmarie Rozelle
Hillary Moore says
Always put him & his opinion first. If someone is asking you to make plans for something, even if you think you know his thoughts, get his input first before making any commitment.
Pay attention to the small details. He will often tell you the way he would like something without actually telling you.
Wives are to be submissive unto their husbands as to Christ. This has been difficult for me to put into daily practice–the little things. I did not have a good example of a Godly marriage while growing up. When I came to Christ as a young woman I was trying to figure out how I was to submit all in my life to Him when I met & married my husband. Serving the Lord THROUGH my husband has been the one thing I have seen I need the most work on & that yields the absolute best results. All I have & all I am belongs to him–my husband. I am just the caretaker of his children, home, etc. a HELPmeet, not Co-leader of the family, etc.
Blessings!
Hillary in Indiana
gmorrison says
I happen to be watching Fireproof right now and it feels like the movie is speaking directly to me and my husband. It’s fabulous I advise you to see it. It gives you a new respect for your spouse and for Christ.
There are many things going wrong in our lives. Mostly it is due to our lack of responsibility. We are working on it all, but only with the strength of God are we keeping our marriage together. We have a very young son, my husband works full-time and goes to school, while I am an at home mom trying to do some subbing in our school district and finding a Masters program for myself. On top of all this there are other things going on with paying the bills so stress is high in our life. Lately I have found that when I am worrying and get upset I have to go to God when I figure out what I’m doing. I have to constantly think about what I am doing. I’m not perfect and I fail often, but I keep trying. I also pray for my husband, again not as often as I should, but I try, sometimes not my hardest. I am also trying to get closer to God in my daily walk, which makes me in turn view my husband completely differently and try to change things I do and say.
I feel like this is common sence stuff and that you’ll all be like “silly girl we knew that”, but I know how much I needed to read what I just wrote so maybe it will help others.
Love to you all and thank you so much Cindy for running such a wonderful page, sorry crying so it’s hard to type. May God Bless you all and that you will all have a God filled week.
Gretchen Morrison
KatyJeanne says
My hubby and I have spent almost 17 years together! I didn’t think we would make it through the first 3! We have had a very rough road but by the GRACE OF GOD, we have endured, forgiven, prayed, grown, forgiven (did I already say that?), learned the fine art of communication, forgiven again, prayed more. Basically, we have been molded into the couple that God wanted us to be. We have put God in the center of our marriage and kept Him there! We have learned that communication and forgiveness are the most important keys to keeping together through thick and thin. God has taught us to lean on Him in all things – Good and bad – no matter what we feel.
Blessings to all-
Katy Horn
bluekimberly says
The greatest thing that my husband and I do for our marriage is daily seek God and strive to be more like Jesus – that means that we follow His example and serve one another. We deeply love one another and respect one another. By seeking a servant’s heart we have found that the title of Head of Household and the roll of submissive aren’t even necessary. (I know that can sound very unGodly to some, but if we’re loving each other with the love of Christ, how can that be unGodly?) So, on a practical level, if we want to serve one another it means, we’re careful with our words, honest about our feelings, and respectful of each others God given strengths( for example, I know my husband is wiser than I am about finances, but at the same time, he respects me enough to talk with me about financial decisions), and do the things that make each other feel loved (cooking for my husband really makes him feel loved, so it’s something I love to do for him). By serving one another, we truly have become one.
Cariann McCready says
Now I have to start off by telling you all , I don’t have the perfect marriage… We do the best we can….
So, here is my advice.
Spend quiet time together, even read together (either outloud or just in the same space).
Plan a date night at least once a month. (this doesn’t have to be fancy, we have even planned date night in the afternoon at Wendy’s or something)
Listen to HIM, he may not say alot so really listen when he does say something.
Cariann
Bobbi says
Dear Bride,
You’ve already received some wonderful advice. I think my first advice would be to take all of these ideas, encouragements, and wisdoms; pray over them; think about how they fit you and your beloved in a way that blesses your union. Put them into a journal or study book that you can refer to over the years when you need encouragement to stay the course or an new idea as your marriage matures.
To all of these wonderful thoughts, I add one from me. Do not get ahead of your husband. What do I mean? Always weigh the new ideas that come your way, the lessons God shows you, the commitments you make as an individual or for your family against your husbands plans and priorities. Did someone at church ask you to take up a responsibility? Ask for his input. Does changing to an all raw diet sound like just the thing for the new year? Ask his opinion and LISTEN (especially since he has to eat it too ;0) Did you do a Bible study and become convinced that your family should never watch tv again? Don’t give it to GoodWill without asking your husband what he thinks. And never decide that you are holier than your husband, giving you the excuse to move forward without him. Yes, you may be more open or ready for some lessons but your husband is your head. Pray for him, stay before God, beg God, but honor your husband. Let God convict your husband while you obey God by submitting to your husband.
And in closing, always remember to thank your husband when he gets up at 4am to help clean up your sick child or rub your legs because you’re pregnant and sore :o)
Bobbi Beeson
CGinTexas says
After 27 years of marriage the thing I have learned that has most affected my
marriage is found in the Bible…SUBMISSION. When we married I was used to
being in control of my own life, and it carried over to wanting to control his. He
was a peace loving man, very laid back, and he loved me very much and wanted
to please me so this arrangement worked okay for awhile. Then we found the
passages in the Bible that dealt with how a marriage is supposed to work with
the husband in command and the wife doing what HE wants. It took years of
trial and failure on both of our part to make this happen.
Now our married life looks much more biblical, though not perfect. As I have
gained less and less control over our home and he has gained more and more
control over our home it has made us love each other more. I respect him so
much and feel that I can trust the decisions he makes better than the ones I
come up with. And he loves me so much more because I do trust him and
respect him more. God’s ways are higher than our ways, and His ways
are always right. Trust Him to be right in whatever He says in His Word, even
if you don’t understand or don’t think you can do it. Remember we have worked
at this for years.
Carolyn Griggs
KimberlyUtt says
These are the things i tell every young lady I know who is getting married.
Don’t allow divorce to EVER be an option.
PRAY without Ceasing!
Learn HOW to fight (because you will, everyone does, no matter what you think now:)
Learn to think before you open your mouth because you just can’t take things back after they are said 🙁
When you need someone to unburden to find a girl friend, save the important things for your dh, but the everyday fuss and whine sessions he doesn’t need to hear after a long day at work.
Remember to make a home he wants to come home to!
Find a common interest and nurture it.
Maintain an interest of your own and nurture it! (you will need these times alone as much as the time together)
Most of all remember that you are not an island, there are women who have already walked the road you are walking and they are willing to help you if you ask!
Angela C says
Lots and lots of great reading! I don’t know if I can add any new or worthwhile ti add. but I will definately add what I have learned.
We have been married 10 1/2 years. When we got married, we married against our pastor’s advice. He told us we weren’t ready and that we should wait. Boy were we in pride, and boy was he right!!! We both weren’t done in the crock pot yet!
Facing everything that we have faced as a couple, I have had to kill a lot of my own selfish self. And I’ve also had to learn to love my husband as he got his flesh in line. And it’s only been by the grace and mercy of God that we now have 3 kids and are still married. And it’s only by God’s goodness that our marriage is happy and strong.
I would love to tell you everything I learned and experienced. But I would be writing an entire book, and you have more answers to read. So I’ll try to summarize it the best I can.
The first advice I have to give is respect your man. Respect him as he IS. Not as you want him to be. You married him like he was. You shouldn’t expect him to change to gain your respect.
2nd…. Don’t expect him to know how to love you. I don’t mean, don’t expect him to love you. What I mean is don’t expect him to know how to show you he loves you. Men do love, but it’s not a natural thing for them to exhibit. Men, typically didn’t wake up the day after the wedding with the encyclopedia of romance uploaded into their brains. They will make mistakes, and if you reject, snub, or make fun of their mistakes, they will most likely quit trying. Then they would NEVER get it right.
3rd. If he needs to change, pray about it and put it into God’s hands. Don’t nag, harp, scold, etc, your man. That has the opposite effect. Trust me, I know. Pray about it, and leave it with God. It will take time, but just wait upon the Lord and see what God will do. (Oh yeah… you also have to have FAITH when you pray, or else your prayers are in vain).
4th. Don’t ever speak bad about your hubby to anyone but God. It’s ok to vent to God, then pray about it. But don’t go whining to your momma, your girlfriend, or his mom. They may agree with you, but it won’t accomplish anything, and will only paint a worse picture of your husband to those around you. Yes, you do need to have Godly gals close to you that you can be open and honest with. But don’t use them to have sessions of bashing your husband. IF they can’t be in agreement with you that God can take care of it, don’t share it.
5th. Don’t put your kids or career over your husband. You are his helpmeet and he deserves you being by his side, not trying to get ahead of him.
6th. Admire your husband – Physically. He isn’t Mr. Universe, but you were attracted to him at some point. There’s still something there. Find it, focus on it, and let your hubby know about it.
7th. Flirt. Alot. Email, text, phone, making eyes across the room over your kids heads. it doesn’t matter. Just do it.
8th. To really love your husband. You have to love yourself. That means renewing your self image to who God says you are. That means taking time out for yourself, for a cup of coffe, a bubble bath, to shave your legs, or go buy a new outfit. You need to love yourself enough to take care of yourself (the temple of the Holy Spirit) so you can be attractive, spiritually refreshed, and have energy physically to meet your husbands needs.
9th. Be thankful for what you have, and for what your hubby does do. If he’s having a hard time being a good provider, just keep encouraging him.
That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. sorry it’s not very well written, but I’m also keeping an eye on our baby toddling around. I really hope this does help someone.
Be Blessed
Angela in OK
Orilla Crider says
I have been happily married for 15 yrs this May. One thing that both my husband and I wanted before we were married is to not bring in debt to our marriage. I graduated May before we were married the following May. We had planned to put off our wedding for a year or two, to just make sure that we had jobs and the debts were all behind us. My parents paid for my schooling but my husband was paying for his totally. I was able to get a wonderful job on the school campus and help him with his bills and due to having all the bills behind us and a good amount in savings and he was being able to work as an undergrad, we went ahead and got married.
One of the most important aspects that my husband I looked for in a spouse was that they other would put God FIRST in their life. That is exactly what we got. We had lots of fun on our dates but looking back on our dates around 90 percent of them had to do with church activities. We went to revivals, camps, special events, etc. but we had loads of fun getting to know each other and what we felt was the most important part in our lives, God.
Another big thing in our marriage has been communication! During the first 3 years of our married life my husband was in college. We both worked full time jobs and then he was in school full time. We also were in full time church ministry as the children/youth ministers. Yes, this kept our lives very busy BUT if it wasn’t for the open communication that we had had during that time things wouldn’t have worked. Neither one of us came into the marriage thinking if it didn’t work out we could just leave. In fact, that is the reason we sang two special songs at our wedding. I sang “Wither thou Goest I Will Go” (taken from the story of Ruth) and then we sang together “Gentle Shepard”. Our double pledge to each other that day has meant the world to us. If (and we don’t always) we don’t see eye to eye, we don’t clam up, blow up, yell and scream, we sit down and talk it over until we have things worked out that we both feel is right.
God is the head of our home and then my husband comes next. God blessed us with 3 wonderful children, one adopted and 2 of our own. It was hard to say goodnight to the first 5 in our lives but God has given us these precious lives to love while we are on this side of Heaven. Do we always agree on how the children should be handled? No, you see when you bring two different people together, they are going to have different personalities and ideas and if you have to remember they were both reared in different homes. Bring the raising of your children to the Lord and He will guide you. You won’t always see eye to eye but He will help guide you when you need that special help to know what that child is needing.
Support your husband. Don’t embarrise him in front of his friends and family. One thing I have found out is that no matter if you agree with what your husband is wanting or doing, if it isn’t going against the word of God don’t fight him. He is the head of the home and we as wives should submit (not be walked over) to him as such. Don’t bring up the past about him that he is a shamed of that that would hurt him. Again, he should be respected and the best way for your children to see how to treat their spouses one day is watching you.
One thing that I have watched in my husbands family and others, is show love to each other even in front of the children. Hold hands, kiss, say special things, etc then when the rocky times come the kids aren’t scared that their parents don’t love each other. Also, kiss your spouse each time when they start to leave for some where and tell them “I love you”. You never know when something may happen to them and they never return home. I have watched this in my family and the regrets are great when there has been harsh words said just before the other has left or they were to “busy” to tell them those 3 special words and a kiss. God made us an emotional person and he meant for us to use it for good.
I want my husband and my marriage to be an example of what God would want for my kids to be able to be proud of down the road and want just as good marriage.
Remember to put God before all!
Love,
Orilla Crider
Heidi Jo Kemp says
Well I had to answer this one, even IF I missed the deadline.
Where I live a married man is what every woman want! it means they are stable and commited. So….that being said you truely need to protect your marriage. My husband is daily given opportunities by other women! They are brash and upfront with what they want, it is a sad thing but one I must deal with.
I find that I have to deal with all my husbands needs and making sure he has what he needs physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If I am doing all I can to be my husbands helpmeet and really loving my husband I will be doing all of that. Also, I find that covering my husband in prayer as he leaves the home everyday is very important. I try to show my love to my husband as much as I say I love him.
Building a real relationship with your husband and making him your best friend is where all of this starts. When I think of my self less and others (my husband) more – I watch my words, my attitude, my actions and focus on them. For me being the wife that God has called me to be is part of giving it all to God everyday and dying to self daily.
Bahama Blessings
Heidi Jo Kemp