Wondering what Mommy Homework is??? Each week you will have an “assignment” here to share in our comments here on this site. You will love this-both sharing AND enjoying answers by others. Some of them, I compile into an ebook (contributors can resell as a product of their own–be sure to submit your email and full name when you register so I can credit you appropriately!).
The result is AWESOME!
We get to know each other…we are encouraged in our journey…and we glean super ideas from other great moms!
Ready for this week’s MH? This is a good one!
Our topic this week is “Holidays with Difficult People! HELP!”
Your Assignment This Week…
This one is going to be good. Stick with me!
This week, Kelly sent me a great question by email that she wanted for us to discuss this week for Mommy Homework. It is already on her mind. Mainly because this time of year is tough for her, well read her email real quick:
Hi there Cindy…….here is my question that I would love the wisdom of Godly women to answer!!
The Holidays are coming and although we have established our own traditions, my dear in-laws have the ability to make my husband and I filled with guilt. My husband closes off, gets angry with them, and doesn’t want to even discuss going to their home. I do agree with him. It’s horribly frustrating…..we do want to go to their home and enjoy their company….but NOT under guilt and pressure : how can I “buffer” these yearly situations?? (in a Godly way of course!! )
Thanks so much!!
Kelly
Anybody else relate? Maybe you have your own situation that you can “expect” as the holidays near. Have tough situations? Have to deal with difficult people? Are your “traditions” tough because one of your “traditions” is that you can always count on certain difficulties?
Let’s talk about this topic this week. Whether you are still struggling with this one OR you have seen God deliver mightily, jump in and share your situation and how God has led you to deal with that struggle.
I truly believe that there is wisdom in the counsel of many. We need a multitude of godly counselors. Our situations may not be exactly the same, but our answers come from a God Who is always the same–He always comes through…He always answers…He always delivers. He wants nothing more than healed, restored, and intimate relationships. Let’s glorify Him by sharing how we deal with the tough stuff in a godly way.
Jump in and share!
So, grab a cup of tea…settle in for a bit. You will want to dig into this one sweet friends!!
Love ya!
Cindy
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Deadline–Friday at midnight CST.
Hi there Cindy and Sisters!!
I am the one that submitted the question………and I am looking forward to all of your wonderful answers!! God is good though…I am learning to run the “Fruit of the Spirit” through my head when I talk to them, or even think of them!!
Again……..looking forward to your wisdom!
Blessings,
Kelly M.
In our family, we have some people that clash with others. We have found that it is easier, in our situation, to NOT have a sit-down meal. We have snack foods from all the food groups: little sausages in BBQ sauce, fruit pieces, veggies & dips, cookies, crackers, cheese slices and spreads, deli meats and meat spreads, candy, etc. This keeps people circulating and eases some of the tension that comes from some person being seated next to someone that he/she doesn’t get along with.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t work at the Thanksgiving gathering, and I’m sure it won’t work to fix all circumstances and problems!
Oh, boy does this one ever hit at home! My dh and I will be married for 15 yrs this coming May. The first Christmas that we spent with each of our families as an engaged couple I hated every minute of if. Christmas was a big thing in my family and I wanted to continue that tradition in my own family. Due to my dh’s family always celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve my family switched for us to celebrate on Christmas Day.
After opening gifts and getting things packed into the car (by the way this was the first time I had ever met my dh’s brother and sister) my mother-in-law cornered my dh and told him he was not to marry me because I was of the devil and evil. Of course, this was said loud enough that everyone in the house heard her. She yelled at him for 2 hrs and by the time we left it was all either one of us could handle driving. He finally pulled over and broke down and cried. We of course didn’t have a cell phone back then and no way of telling my family that we would be late so when we arrived on the scene everyone was very unhappy.
From that day on, my mother-in-law has done her best to come between my dh and I. She “fell” the day before our wedding and “couldn’t” attend it nor would she allow her husband attend that was supposed to be taking pictures for us. This was a killer for both of us and she knew it. We had to redo who was standing up with my dh because he brother stepped down and took over for Dad.
She has thrown barbs in every way possible and it has hurt but I have tried my best to keep things as good as possible. When she throws stones at me, I turn around and throw something sweet back at her. She is against us hs, she isn’t interested in her grandkids even tho’ one is named after Dad to carry on the family tradition.
No, I don’t have the answers to this and I battle it every time when we go see them (a 45 mins drive) for any reason. She puts me down to my kids but we have tried to make the best out of it. We have tried to teach our kids that we need to forgive her for things she does but we don’t want to punish grandpa so we put up with it.
Dad’s sister lives close to us and in the past couple of years dh’s sister (her husband is a no-no, too) has invited us to her place for Christmas and it has helped keep the rough times not as bad at a time of joy that we try to teach Christmas to our kids.
No, I don’t have the answers but I do know that it is a lot easier for our family if I can just handle things like I don’t hear what is being said and forgive her, than if I just keep pushing things.
I am interested in hearing what other say on this topic because it is of interest. Kelly, you aren’t alone in this there are others that go through this, too. Hang in there.
Orilla Crider
In Response to the topic: “Holidays with Difficult People! HELP!”…Here is my reply!
My family deals with a similar situation, but we do not visit with extended family very often, so we face this question ourselves only a few times each year. What we have found that works for us is simply limit the time. It seems that we can get through these visits with these difficult people when we know that the time is limited! I know personally, that tiredness and over-extending oneself is enough to ruin any get together! When we were first married we attended 4 Thanksgiving dinners in one day! We have learned to limit our time and just as we bring items for the children, my husband does this as well; he brings items or activities for others to hopefully enjoy together, for example, a game, a book, or even a movie.
In our situation, many extended family members (and difficult people), are without Christ in their lives! This brings on an even more importance of our behavior. We pray all throughout the year for them, but more fervently when the visit is approaching. During the visit or even before we are many times bombarded spiritually and realize the warfare that we fight ! Nevertheless, as soldiers of the Lord, we must look beyond ourselves and show Christ in us. I know, easier said than done, but even when you feel defeated for lack of changed hearts from those difficult people , let’s not give up. I still have faith that one day our visits will consist of gathering together as fellow children of the Lord with thankful, changed hearts.
I hope this encourages you, for it has encouraged me to plan ahead and pray for guidance in the days to come. Thanks for the question and the opportunity to participate!
Tina
I haven’t had this paticular situation yet, but thinking on it I came up with a few suggestions. I do know that as our family and extended family has grown it became harder to go to everyones house that wanted to have a get together on Thanksgiving/Christmas. My sister and I have lived away from home and out of state for many years so one way of us dealing with this was to plan a date before or after the holiday and therefore were able to have our personal direct family gathering on that day. Maybe if you picked a restaurant (such as Ryans, other buffet type for the holiday) that serves a nice selection and let them know how wonderful it would be to have a complete meal prepared for everyone right down to dessert, and cleaned up also therefore giving you lots of time to visit laugh and talk about the memories adding coffee and pie afterwards. It could be a new tradition to start and maybe you could go to the house afterwards and have coffee and dessert if not at the restaurant. It could be the weekend before or after or a day before or after. You may could explain that with all thats going on on the holiday and your personal traditions that you wanted to have a seperate special family tradition on a different day thats less stressed, more relaxed and enjoyable. You could add in some family movies from other get togethers or something like that and it would be better done on another day as that can get drawn out if you want to enjoy it. You could even suggest that the family all get together and create something together like quilts, scrapbooks, putting pen to paper/or tape recording old stories from family members each year.A day of games maybe. Our family actually relished someone else cooking good food and cleaning while we were able to sit and enjoy each others company without the fuss. We usually get together at a house for lots of pie and coffee. I don’t know if this helps but I hope it does. God bless and I hope it works out.
Prayer, prayer and more prayer! I wrote about my expectations of others in a blog post recently, and I know when I am having issues with someone, I need to pray for them more. It changes my attitude towards them, definitely! And might change them a bit, too!
I think if husband and wife can discuss the situation in detail and pray specifically about it together, that would help tons! If you just know this is going to happen, have a loving response ready, where you can agree with the person, yet explain why it won’t work. If you can be sincere and not partronizing, of course! My example: “I know, Mom, I wish we could, too, but you know the kids want to see their cousins on the other side of the family, too.”
Be blessed,
Danielle Hull
I really stress over my mil at Christmas (and birthdays, too!) She goes way overboard on gifts for all the grandkids … gifts is definitely her love language. My dh has tried to talk to her about toning it down a bit, but she just can’t seem to (or just doesn’t want to). It’s quite embarrassing when my parents give the girls a gift or two, and then my mil gives them well over 50 different things. Not all huge things, but still … My biggest worry is not just where I’m going to put all this stuff, but I also worry about how it’s going to affect my kids … I don’t want them “picking favorites” with the grandparents and thinking that the other grandparents don’t love them as much or something. Not that I have seen that, but I still worry.
I still get a knot in my stomach when I think of visiting my parents for the Holidays. It is not that there is trouble or commotion anymore, that has passed, it is just that my mother is very domineering and very opinionated. Any other time is ok to visit, it is just that my mother stresses so much about getting everything just right, down to the time we sit at the table and how long we are there. Other visits are fine, as long as the subject of schooling at home does not come up. One year we could not make it for Christmas, now keep in mind we had an ice storm Christmas Eve, now normaly that is not to much trouble, but in NE Texas it is a huge problem, the only ones who had power were the hospitals and emergency relief places. Not even the electric company had power. Add to that a foot of snow on New Year’s Eve and you have 2 weeks of no power for several states for 2 weeks.
I learned a lesson those 2 weeks, I had been well on my way to becoming like my mother. I decided that it was just not worth continuing that tradition. I accepted my mother as she is and moved on. She just had surgery for a ruptured colon and I honestly don’t know if we will make it this Thanksgiving, 4 of us in a small truck just does not work, so I have a knot right now thinking of it, but I am turning it over to the Lord. It can be hard, being an adult and still honoring a parent who expects you to obey, but with God’s help we can still honor Him and them too.
Valerie Neal
Oh, how I wish I could contribute some good advice to you, Kelly. I deal with a SIL who is not very friendly with our family. We have tried different things but with no success.
Well, on second thought, after reading your comments again, a good dose of boundaries is highly recommended. Your in-laws are succeeding in what they have set out to do…make you feel guilty and you are allowing them to make you feel guilty. Remember that you have your own family now and that they are just the extension of your family. Doing what is best for your family should be first and foremost in the decisions you make. Stand firm in what your plans are and don’t allow them to control you. I’ve had experience from both sides of the family doing this and when my husband and I stood together in what we were going to do, the guilt trips have been few and far between.
I hope I have helped. A good book is Boundaries, can’t remember the author’s name right now. But it is very helpful!
Robin in OK
I don’t have experience with this sort of situation- in a very minor way we of course feel a little guilt when we can’t be with one side of the family for special occasions- but I think that is to be expected when there are two sides of a family. But this sounds like more than a little guilt. And I have prayed and thought for a day about giving a little advice for the situation thinking that I don’t have any, but this is what God keeps bringing to mind.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
In fact, the whole passage there (Romans 12:17-21) is excellent when thinking about a situation like this.
You need to remember- YOU cannot control the way your in laws act. YOU cannot even control how your husband will deal with this situation. The only one you can control is you. That being said, my advice would be to pray and ask God, “What practical things can I do and say to live in peace with my in laws?”
And I also today just came across this verse in my devotional that relates-
“Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, keep watch over the door of my lips.” Psalm 141:3. This is a reminder to me to be determined this season to only say thing that will be an encouragement to my extended family- even though sometimes it would be easy to speak my mind about a few things…I will leave that to God to deal with them! 🙂
Expect God to do good things with your relationship with your inlaws this holiday season. The road ahead may look daunting, but God can change people and He can change the way you see this opportunity ahead. God bless you!
I know how you feel because we have our own difficult people to deal with. My best advice is to pray for God’s wisdom. That’s really the best thing you can do when you know you’re going to be around people that can be difficult. Begin now to ask God to help you, give you wisdom, peace, and the right words to say when you’re with them.
I also try to remember that when I allow someone to affect me, it’s because I’m letting the flesh get the better of me. I try to spend extra time with Him and pray that His love will permeate me so much so that they only see Him. And then I also pray that I will be able to see those difficult people in my life with His eyes of love.
Then, while you’re actually with them, continue to pray when they start in with their attempts to make you feel guilty. Don’t take the bait. Speak only love no matter how much you might want to “strike back” at their words. Remember that while Jesus was being accused, He didn’t open His mouth.
I’ll pray that you will be able to stand in God’s love while you’re around this situation.
WOW! I surely can relate personally to this story as far as trying to enjoy holidays with expectations placed on you. Since this is a very touchy subject and I don’t really enjoy splattering my personal past on the internet, I just would like to say that we’ve had to deal with tough situations around the holidays. Not necessarily with traditions that were passed down and needed to be fulfilled but more just trying to get along in general around different holiday gatherings. It seemed in the past that would be the toughest time for our family and when most bad experiences would be placed out in the open.
So for my family now we’ve decided to celebrate the holidays with just us. My husband and children.. Enjoying our own family traditions and loving one another as we enjoy the Seasons with joy and thankfullness. It does help a lot that we don’t live near extended family but I still pray that someday we will be able to enjoy family get togethers in the future..
I know it’s tough having to deal with difficult situations and it’s even harder when it’s surrounded by a holiday or special occassion. We are praying that our past is the past and that we are here to work toward’s getting closer with Christ and sharing our love together.. With God’s grace and protection, He can make anything possible..
Lynn Pitts
One thing we have done is to set our OWN traditions within our immediate family. We did this from the very beginning before we had children. Our families both live in town, and we knew there could very easily be hard feelings and disagreements about “where” we did holidays and how each year. So, we sat down together and hashed out what we could live with. Then we went as a united front and told each set of parents- BEFORE the holidays- so they would know what to expect.
It isn’t perfect. We still hear comments occasionally about the amount of time we spend with one or the other family at the holidays. I always try to “deflect” the comment and not argue. A simple, “I’m sorry you missed us. Now, tell me about that present Dad got you. That sounds neat!” Is sooo much better than turning it into an argument or succumbing to guilt. 🙂
I think one thing to remember is that while we are to continue honoring our parents and definitely we want to maintain a relationship with them, our primary relationships are now our husbands and children. And if the relationships with extended family are hurting our immediate family relationships- especially causing strife between spouses, then boundaries need to be set and time with family members limited.
The best advice I can give is “choose your battles.” If it is a situation involving preferences, be the yeilding party and then you and your husband can vent with each other after the event. If it is a situation involving moral principles that are going against your family beliefs or could harm your family in some way, let your in-laws know in advance that if such things are going to be going on around your family, you are going to celebrate your holidays at your own home alone. Family dynamics can be complex and there is never one solution that will work for everyone. You are responsible to protect your family and bring them up the way you and your husband feel the Lord leading you.
A lot of families rotate between sets of in-laws on the holidays, or visit several family members on the same day to avoid having to spend a great deal of time in any unpleasant situation. Maybe you could sit down as a family and make a list of the things you know, from past visits with your in-laws, will probably happen and brainstorm ways that your own family can deal with these situations appropriately. Sometimes having a code word that your family can use with each other when they get in an uncomfortable situation is helpful to allow the person to be rescued from the situation without a lot of attention being drawn to the situation.
Above all, pray continually and relax.
I don’t have much to offer here. My dad was an alcoholic from the time I was a toddler and he made most holidays miserable with his drinking and bad attitudes. We were only close to home the first 4 years of our marriage so we did go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas then but also had to go to my dh’s parents house. Thankfully they were only 30 minutes apart so it wasn’t too bad and we’d only have a certain amount of time to be at each home. It would get stressful though and now that my dad’s passed away we only deal with my in-laws. My father-in-law is awesome but his wife is very difficult (another alcoholic).
We are 1200 miles from home so we go visit in the summer and we limit our time with them. After many incidents in the past couple years I will not stay at in my in-laws home without my husband with me (sometimes the kids and I go visit without him). His parents have come to stay with us each winter for the last 4-5 years; this year they’re not coming down and I’m very relieved. It seems like something always happens to upset my husband. Our pastor has urged us this month to love, show kindness and pray for those who are difficult for us to be with or those around us who we know aren’t saved so I’m praying for my mother-in-law. It’s not always easy for me but I’m trying!
Katie Anderson
Holidays in my family always had expectations that no one could measure up to.
You always had to wear the “right” clothes, bring the most gifts, and of course, your children were always little “angels”. The expectations were the worst. My husband and I didn’t want our kids to have so much tension around the holidays so we started our own tradition. We go to his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas Ever with the rest of the cousins, etc. Then Christmas Day is ours. This is where we have put our foot down. We want our kids to know that Jesus is the reason for the season. Not family feuds, presents, unmet expectations, etc.
Our Christmas traditions at home far out weight the craziness with all the cousins, etc. We put our focus on Jesus – not the in laws.
Blessings to you all-
Katy Horn
My sister won’t be there for Thanksgiving. She always has to go to her in-laws for holidays even though her mother-in-law thinks she is not good enough. Actually, we are thankful that they won’t be there! There are bad feelings towards my brother-in-law because after my dad died, he did everything he could to get my mom’s property. He had her crying more than once. He wanted to get his hands on it so he could sell it and buy himself a house. He felt that the mobile home he had wasn’t good enough. He has cheated on my sister. He threatened her to force her to move away after my mom put my brother’s name on the property. We speak to him when we see him, but not really talk to him. We simply cannot trust him.
So, how do you deal with difficult people? I just don’t know.
Rebecca Smith
The holidays can be tough enough without having to deal with difficult situations.
The most important thing about the holidays for us is remembering to be grateful and generous.
Thanksgiving is about thanking God for all that he has done for us. This includes grace, which I take to mean unconditional love – He loves us whether we have
done something to deserve it or not. And we can share God’s grace with others by loving our family even when (and perhaps especially when) they have done everything they can think of to insult us, inflict harm or drive us away.
This can be a real challenge but “a soft answer turneth away wrath:” Proverbs 15:1 Hate can’t continue in the face of Love, even if we have to endure years of conflict with family members. If you can consistently meet an unfriendly or hateful attitude with love, eventually the hate will subside, or at least the family member will get tired of goading you and having no effect.
If the difficulties persist, as they did with my mother-in-law, we simply put our own family first and quietly say, sorry, we can’t do that this year. If you want to see your son (brother, uncle, etc) at this time of year, you’ll have to stop acting this way. Until then, you won’t see much more of us than a Christmas card photo.
Christmas is all about generosity for us. We try to be generous with our family and friends in what ever way we can afford to be. For many years my brother’s family would give our boys very nice gifts and we didn’t have the money to reciprocate. At those times we would host our get together and I would prepare a feast to share with everyone instead of giving expensive gifts.
Sometimes generosity may take the form of changing our own plans to better fit with a stubborn or difficult relative. A long time ago we came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if our Christmas morning celebration actually happens on December 25th. We have had years when our boys enjoyed having 3 or 4 “Christmas mornings” as we made the rounds of different family gatherings.
Approaching each situation with joy, gratitude and generosity allowed us to enjoy all our family without having to have my parents together in the same room or leave someone out of the celebration because they had to work on Christmas Eve, etc.
Every situation is different and requires prayer and listening for the right answer. We have found that holding onto those qualities of gratitude, generosity, joy and love get us through the challenges.
Terri Griffin
We too have some difficult family members who try to “guilt” us into coming over. We’ll who used to try to do this, until is stopped working and then she stopped. I have heard her try to put the guilt trip on other family members but it does not work with us any more. Maybe just staying home for once and having your own private holiday would help them to remember that getting together is special and that they are not the ones in control of the choices you make for your family, you are. It has been so many years that I am not sure how we got her to stop doing that to us. Praise God though that she stopped, I can totally relate with how hard it is to cope with this situation. Could you and your hubby have a sit down talk with them expressing how you feel? Pray, pray, pray!
Lori Duncan
Wow, this is a good question. I am beginning to see that every family has difficulties. I never really noticed it much until my own family pretty much fell apart. My Mother passed away in 2004 and she was the “glue” that held us together, especially at the holidays. She could smooth over any situation. She really wanted everyone to get along and enjoy the holidays. It was her favorite time of the year.
Since then, we have not all gathered for the holidays. My husband’s father passed away since then and we haven’t even gotten together with his family. Things have changed so much. I guess some decide that life is too short to do things they don’t want to do, with people that they don’t want to do them with.
I have prayed that this would change. For some reason, it has not. We have decided to make our own family traditions and focus on our immediate family. This has worked for us. We try to make things special in every way and if extended family members want to join us, they are welcome to. If not, it does not change what we will do for and with our children. We want them to have special memories. I appreciated Cindy’s seminar this weekend on making memories because it really brought this point back to my attention. There are so many ways to make happy memories with our family. I don’t want it ruined by family members who really don’t want to be there anyway.
God has blessed our holidays and I do pray that one day our extended family members will want to be a part of the lives of our wonderful children.
Sincerely,
Katrina Boatwright
I have several people on my husband’s side that are challenging so far as relationships go. For a few of them, we are at the cordial stage with little communication between us. I had tried very hard early in our marriage to make things work, but found that nothing we did pleased them. The time from Thanksgiving to Christmas was especially tough since his family lost 2 members during that time frame over the years. Misery sure makes it even more challenging.
It was when I was attending a 12 step program (for help dealing with problems a few close family members were experiencing) that I realized that I truly needed God to step in. Prayer was definitely the key! I also had to let go of trying to please someone who would never be pleased for long. I am still amazed that where I found the most healing was in dealing with these extended family members rather than the ones for which I initially sought help.
Granted, we don’t have to physically visit the most difficult individual. But, there are a few we do see a few times each year. I have found that if I don’t pray and then surrender myself to the Holy Spirit for guidance that the visit goes badly. Holiday time is now just our family since we’ve moved further away from my husband’s family.
So in a nutshell, pray and then turn it all over to God. Nothing is impossible for him! Unfortunately, we sometime succomb to the thought we can handle it and try to take it back from him. Or, we get impatient and start to doubt. This is a lesson I sometimes have to learn again as taking those steps in faith can be difficult.
Laura O’Neill
Boy does this one stike close to home. For 20 years, I have dealt with bad attitudes and control issues-mostly from my side of the family. The guilt thing is so sickening, it has literally made me “hate” the holidays. Then I got a backbone. Both my husband and I decided that we needed to focus on our kids and making our own traditions-that the families would “get over it eventually” (and they do) -so we made a leap and told them (several years ago now) that we simply could not do the 2 houses every holiday-that we wanted to start some of our own traditions and that was that. Oh yeah, we were total “jerks” for a long time, but we just couldn’t live with the stress anymore. What stunk the worse was that until my husband’s father passed away and mom moved to a different place-the folks were 2 houses apart-so how could we visit with one and not the other? Travel issues didn’t exist-but what they didn’t see was the stress of shoveling down food and convo, just to rush to another’s house with small kids-it was a nightmare. We decided to rotate families. If we did Thanksgiving with one family, then we did the other the next year. Then as the kids grew-we pulled rank and did Thanksgiving with just us or invited family/friends over (much to my parents dislike) and talk about a change in spirit and the ability to actually enjoy the holidays. My family is surrounded with non-Christ behavior and anger, so it is always a “walking on eggshells” kind of experience. The kids are really bummed they have to go to my folks for TD this year…but it has been about 4 years (we did his fam one year, went to Frankenmuth another, had my folks here the next [which was great-one of the best TDs ever since it was only us and them and they just came to visit, not do all the work-which seemed less stressful for them too! And last year we did some of his family…) so it is time -and I had to remind the kids that we need to honor them even if they are less than stellar in behavior. We don’t know how many more holidays we will have with them-so we shut our mouths, set a time limit for being there and have a code for “lets leave now” just in case it gets ugly (and it has). On the flip side, his family has pretty much made it clear that somehow I am not a part of the family and so kind of ignor me. Plus the sisters are against the brothers in the family for whatever reason (undercurrent, not openly stated) so that makes it rather difficult to get thru…that and watching mom give the girl’s kids all the attention and practically ignoring mine is really disheartening. I have given this to the Lord and He has always helped us get thru the difficult experiences.
I guess the best advice is to really discuss this with your hubby, make a pact to stick together and lay down the boundries (book by the McClouds I believe). They can fume and fuss all they want, once you do it a few times, they get the message and hopefully, will get over it. Plus, you can build some great, non-stressed memories of your own. Since we’re so close to TD now-go and then, perhaps save the stating that next year-you have plans. Thanks for the invite, but you are graciously declining. Best wishes on this one. It is never easy but as an adult, you can respect and consider the parents requests but also have the right to decline and chose something that better suits your family. That is not being disobedient, as you are no longer under their roof.
Pray for me and I will for you…and the others who deal with difficult folks. I tell ya one thing-this has made me very sensitive to what not to do with my own kids (of course I would love to have em every holiday, once they have their own families, but am not going to do the guilt trip thing-I treasure my relationships more than a couple hours of activities.) and frankly, having the kids cook a dinner for me would be great! I am not a holiday hog and do not intend to ever be one….so at least my kids can relax…lol!
Blessings to you and may the Lord direct your thoughts, words and steps!
Sheri Hagemann
Kelly, I do not know your exact situation, but I thought I would just share a story about how our family came to be able to break free from some of the pressures of our family. Well, my family has always been very flexible and understanding. Once all of us kids started having families of our own, our parents decided that we should set apart Christmas Eve to spend together and that way we were all free to do whatever we chose on Christmas Day. Usually that ended up being doing our own thing Christmas morning and then rushing to get everyone dressed and out of the house to go to two or three different family gatherings. My husband’s family always seemed to do something different each year, but we were definitely expected to get together with them, and we would also drive over an hour to get together with my extended family, then usually off to visit with DH’s extended family-usually not eating because we were stuffed from the rest of the day and not enjoying ourselves because we were wiped out. We all love Christmas time, but never seemed to enjoy the day very much. A few years ago I read a very inspiring article that said that we need to do what is right for OUR family-the people under our roof, and not let the pressures of anyone else guilt us into doing anything else. I pulled my family together and we talked about how we wanted to spend Christmas day. The kids loved the idea of getting out of the house and seeing family, but definitely didn’t like being on the go all day and not being able to enjoy all of their new stuff! DH was adamant about the fact that he wanted to stay home-something I always knew but disregarded because I was letting the loud voices of others drown him out. I also liked the idea of staying home and really enjoying our time together. I was working evenings at the time and it seemed like DH and I were always doing the tag-team thing and rarely had anytime that it was all of us together. So, that is what we decided to do. We let the family know well ahead of time (I think it was October) that we were planning on staying home for Christmas. We were planning on making a nice brunch and a nice dinner and we invited any and all to come by anytime during the day to see us if they liked. We also said that we would love to get together with DH’s family a few days before Christmas with everyone together to exchange gifts. We let them know that we had plans with my parents on Christmas Eve, but other than that we would be happy to set aside any other day near Christmas for us all to get together. Over the course of the next couple of months, we would bring it up every once in a while and remind them of our plan. They didn’t say anything and would casually say that we would see about all of us getting together a different day. As THE day got closer, they then decided they were ready to start making plans. We kept reminding them of our plans and worked with them as everyone tried to come up with a day that would work for us all to get together. When it was clear that there was not a time that we were all going to get together, my MIL made a comment about us all getting together on Christmas. We had already previously offered for everyone to come to our house Christmas day and join us in our plans, but they were “booked” to run around and do all their visiting. So, they were trying to figure out a time for us all to get together on Christmas day, and were wanting us to go to my BILs house or DH’s aunts. We reiterated our plans to be home all day. It was clear that we were not going to be able to get everyone together at once, but we reminded them that we would have plenty of food and time for them to stop by our house any time that day if they wanted to see us. They were all extremely disappointed and we got a nice lecture from MIL about how they never see us, and we were being selfish and stubborn. May have been true, we were absolutely thinking of ourselves–our family unit-the people under our roof–before them. We were being stubborn in our plans because it was what we had established as the absolute best for our family. We knew that us running from one place to the next to be able see people that we only saw once of twice a year was not the way that we should be celebrating our Lords birth. It was not making for the wonderful holiday focusing on Him together that we wanted. We knew that we had to make this change for ourselves and our children and we knew it was the right thing to do, whether they understood or not. They didn’t understand and were very upset with us. On Christmas Day, DH got the huge guilt trip from his mom, and actually had told me to get the kids packed up to go (with absolutely no notice or preparation!). As I was trying to make that happen, he changed his mind and called them back and said-no, we were not going anywhere. I was so proud of him!! I think they gave us the silent treatment through New Years and then of course would make little comments about it throughout the year. When the next Christmas rolled around, we were again very clear about our plans well ahead of time. Except this time they took us seriously and actually planned their holidays around the actuality that we were staying home for Christmas! We did end up getting together with all of us a few days before Christmas and it was a great time. We tried to emphasize the fact that we were really able to enjoy each other’s company because we weren’t rushed to get somewhere else and the kids weren’t miserable from being dragged away from their new toys and having to get up at 5 in the morning just to make sure we got out of the house on time.
All that to say that we had to learn to let go of the pressures that his family was putting on us and do what we knew was best for our family. DH really got to live out the “leave and cleave” principle, and it was hard. It is still hard-we are still waiting to hear back from them of when we can all get together and I just pray for no tension! My BIL did say to DH last year that he envied our relaxed day and thought how nice it would be to just stay home! But every year when the season approaches, we have to remind ourselves that we are to please God, not men. We are able to have joy and peace because we know that we are creating precious memories for our children of a Christmas day truly set aside to glorify and honor the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Everything else just doesn’t matter!
Dawn Spice
“Holidays with Difficult People! HELP!”
For my sweet hubby and I, this is all about our attitude.
I must say, that at most we have annoyances with family regarding the holiday’s – things like both families wanting us all to themselves, and all their way. We solved this by deciding what our family tradition would be and how our visiting on those holiday’s would work. We were kind when explaining, and consistent in application. It has taken care of itself. BUT – hubby is the youngest of 5 so he is lucky to have siblings who have eased his way. And, I am the oldest and have all of my parents grandchildren, so they are pretty flexible :0)
Years ago, I used to get bugged by the pressure of the holiday season with family. At some point I came to the conclusion that the answer to my issues lied within myself. I needed to change my focus, and my expectations. I love the holiday season. We celebrate Advent and live the joyful expecation for the coming of Christmas. I refuse to get sucked into the false pressures that our age places in this time. We make gifts, we study about Christ and his Church, we prepare for His coming. We bake, craft, sing and revel in each others company. We enjoy seeing all those family members we never feel we get enough time with, we renew with them the releationships that we so enjoy and try to renew our efforts to maintain closer contacts in the coming year.
We praise God, and thank Him for sending us His Son to save us.
In short, we try to keep our focus on Christ, and how he wants us to live, love and act to others. Especially those within our family.
Trish Bevill
I wish I had the answers for this one! I get along ok with my parents, but they despise my dh. He feels very uncomfortable at their home and so won’t attend family functions. He wants the boys and I to attend but he won’t. Wounds are hard to heal. Anyway, this year, I want MY family (dh and boys) to be together. My mother is going to be heartbroken when I tell her that we won’t be coming over. I just haven’t had the heart to tell her yet, but I firmly believe that MY family should be together for Christmas.
I just keep praying that somehow God will see a way through this situation.
Blessings,
Carie
I don’t hold the answers for you that is for sure but I can definitely relate. I actually have a couple things during the holidays that make it tough.
First my husbands family has been astranged for a long time. We are kind of like the black sheep of the family. Last year was the first time we spent any holiday with them. It is very uncomfortable, but I pray the whole way there and God seemed to lift the uneasiness from me. I thank him for that.
My family on the other hand is very hard to be around. This was never a problem before until my aunt died and it changed the entire structure of the family. My uncle has remarried and now her family is there which we do not know. Also everyone is very fixated on money which makes me uncomfortable. We also believe differently on how to raise our kids. My one cousin actually gave his kid $50 for her first tooth that she lost. The hardest part about my family is I feel like I am judging, and obviously I am. So this part of our holiday I am working at. It is an area that I need to work at internally.
I guess my only advice that I can tell you is that from my experience is make the holidays work for your family. I know that we can not spend the night with my hubbies family. It just doesn’t work. So we always plan it for a couple hour visit and then head home. This is the best thing for us. Actually this work out really well. NO one argued, and we didn’t get on their nerves. Sometimes when things aren’t working well for a family short visits are the best. So if that is possible for you maybe try making your visit short and not extended.
I will pray for everyone and their holiday experiences.
One other thing. I think we all put too much emphasis on making the holidays perfect and it is very hard to acheive. The more I try to make memories the worse it is. If I was just to let God handle our holiday season and not my plans get in the way I think it would go so much more smoothly.
Jenni Schafran
I am very blessed in that I don’t have the extremes that some of you have shared, but I think every family has its “issues” and situations that are difficult to deal with. Maybe we feel it more at the holidays because we want so much to make happy memories with family, so when it doesn’t happen, it’s hard.
For myself, I try to practice what Paul says: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18) For me, the key to that verse is “as far as it depends on you” — I can’t and won’t please everyone. Not everyone in my family understands why we homeschool. Some of our extended family members have made choices for their lives and families that we would not make. There have been things said and done in the past that still hurt, if I choose to dwell on them. But I have a choice to make. Will I choose to live at peace as much as is possible? Will I go the extra mile? Will I overlook those things I can overlook — because love covers a multitude of sins?
I’ve found that when I do as much as possible to live at peace, then the big things – the non-negotiables – can still remain firm in a loving way. It hasn’t always been perfect, but we are growing and learning along the way.
As I pray for our own family times this holiday season, I will also be praying for those who face more challenging situations! God will give you the grace you need!
Well, I certainly feel blessed with a wonderful extended family after reading some of the comments already posted. Both sets of grandparents live in the same county as we do, so holidays are truly a family affair. I’m an only child and my parents moved here early on in our marriage to be closer to the grandkids, and my-inlaws adopted them as part of their family!
My SIL and I have had our issues over the years, but I think we’ve finally matured in our relationship so that there are few if any squabbles. Our parenting and then educational choices have been very different, but respecting her choices (public school) has helped a lot, and quite frankly, her kids so far (11,14,16) are turning out great, even in that setting!
Overall, when we have HAD family issues, I have tried hard to stop, pray, and consider if whatever the issue is REALLY matters in the long run. And about 99% of the time, the answer has been no — like little comments that I could choose to take offense to but can also choose to let go. I also try to defer to dh in this area, he is not nearly so sensitive as I can be, so while there have been a few times where I have had to point out issues to him for him to address, by and large, if he doesn’t see an issue, then it probably DOESN’T matter.
I wish I could come up with more helpful suggestions, but will certainly try to remember in prayer those of you faced with difficutl situations this holiday season.
Cari
A dear priest friend gave us some very good advice about dealing with a particular difficult person in our lives. Maybe it will help someone here too.
Father reminded us that our first responsibility is to take care of the children that God gave us and that their physical and mental well being had to come before our responsibility to our parents. He also talked to us about ways that we could honor that parent without putting our children or ourselves in a position to be abused. We had to accept that honor and obedience were different.
When we got married we left our parents and cleved (is that a word?) to each other, we still need to honor our parents as much as possible but obedience when what is asked is unreasonable or hurtful to our family is getting our priorities mixed up.
oops that sent before I meant for it too.
For us we had to set boundaries such as our children could not talk to this family member on the phone without the phone being on speaker phone where a parent could hear the conversation and direct or end it if need be. We also could not allow this parent into our home. We could, however, meet in a public place such as the library or the park because they would not display the abusive behavior that way.
We also made sure to honor this family member by keeping our talk about this person to facts and trying to keep it as positive as possible. Praying for this person and about the situation was a big must as well.
I guess that really doesn’t address the main part of the question, but maybe it will help someone.
Annie
I deal with this no matter if it is the holidays are other times of the year. Last year I thought I would take the high road and host the preChristmas events (extended family Christmas as well as candle light service dinner). I learned my lesson. This year my answer is keep it simple. We are only doing the minimum with the families (each set of grandparents get part of Christmas day) other than that we are keeping to ourselves as much as we can. Emotionally and physically I can not handle more than that. I have also found that since we moved to our rural country home , our church family and neighbors are more important to us than the extended family, they take us as we are and don’t set the unreal expectations that “the family” sets.
I know that isn’t always possible but that is what I have had to do this year to keep my own sanity and strength.
We have not really had to deal with any of this in about 10 year so it is a hard one to answer.
So there you go – move away to a foreign country. Just kidding!
It has allowed us to develop the things we want to do as a family. We have had two Christmas at home in that time and both times our children have said they would rather have had it back here.
I do remember as a child how hard it was and the 1 and 1/2 hour drive between Grandies homes on Christmas Day – and that was after attending church in the morning. It really wasn’t much fun.
Then one year when I was a teenager they figured out that we could do one family one day and the other the next day – boxing day in Australia. That seemed to work well and stuck from then on. We enjoyed it cause it seemed like we got Christmas twice.
Perhaps that is like doing TG and Christmas..splitting it up.
I would also limit time. Just drop by for morning tea after church. or late afternoon tea. Then go on and do the things that you want to establish for your family.
Remember too that one day your children may be in a similar situation. What do we want to model for them around this time…how do we want it to be in the future? I am sure every mothers heart is to have their family around them for Christmas and TG. What we do now will have an impact on this later.
Like a lot of the ladies have written….it is a time to show Christs love and tolerance. If He can deal with a tax collector then I am sure we should be able to try with those that are related to us..just for a short while…after all the contributed to the life of the ones we love and we can appreciate that about the…if nothing else. 🙂