Wondering what Mommy Homework is??? Each week you will have an “assignment” here to share in our comments here on this site. You will love this-both sharing AND enjoying answers by others. Some of them, I compile into an ebook (contributors can resell as a product of their own–be sure to submit your email and full name when you register so I can credit you appropriately!).
The result is AWESOME!
We get to know each other…we are encouraged in our journey…and we glean super ideas from other great moms!
Ready for this week’s MH? This is a good one!
Our topic this week is “Sibling Rivalry or Friendships?”
Your Assignment This Week…
When my children were little, one of my deepest prayer requests that I took to the Lord for many, many years was that I wanted for my children to be best friends. I wanted for them to be loyal to each other for life. I wanted for them to be close to each other during their childhood, teen years, and on into adulthood. We want for our children to be best friends forever.
Through the years, they were each other’s very best friends. Even though many, many miles separate them at this time, they are best buddies. It is priceless. Elisabeth is even best friends with Matthew’s fiance’ Jill. It is so beautiful!
How do you get there? That is the question of this week’s Mommy Homework. I will be sharing a workshop next week sharing my answer, but you have a whole week to share your answers to these big questions.
So…
How do you deal with sibling rivalry?
How do you encourage sibling loyalty?
How do you help your children to develop close relationships?
How do you help your children to become and stay close through the years?
I can’t wait to read these submissions. It should be an awesome discussion this week! So, grab a cup of tea…settle in for a bit. You will want to dig into this one sweet friends!!
Love ya!
Cindy
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Deadline–Friday at midnight CST.
I’ve never thought about it in terms of “sibling rivalry,” or “sibling” anything. We teach our children to treat each other the way the Bible says to treat others – which includes how they treat their family members. Following Jesus’ example is what brings that atmosphere of peace and giggles that makes true friendships form among anyone, especially homeschooled siblings, who have so much potential time together.
My kids have only had siblings for seven years, so I can’t say that I have any experience “keeping” them friends, but they just naturally join in on each others’ interests at times. Perhaps as they grow it will be more challenging, and I might have to come up with ways to have them spend time with each other, but for now they really enjoy each others’ company, and except for the littles vying for my attention at times, there hasn’t been much of an ongoing issue.
I guess my #2 ‘secret,’ (#1 being following Jesus’ example) is giving them plenty of play time. Not only productive free time, which is usually spent on their own, but time to just play every day, together or not. They almost always choose to play with someone else, and with four kids there’s usually a sibling available.
And that’s it. God really did give us the best blueprint to follow: the Bible. There are many examples of how to treat others as well as how NOT to treat others in there. Ultimately, exposure to the Word on a daily basis has been the best “anti-sibling-rivalry” tool in our family.
In helping children to develop close relationships, I’ve found it helpful to limit the time the children have for outside friends and even outside activities. When they are constantly out with peers, they tend not to see their siblings as potential playmates. When they are home, they tend to find lots of things to do together. Limiting screen time (computers and TV) not only helps grow their creativity, but also makes them more inclined to seek each other out for entertainment. Encouraging them to be creative for each other’s birthdays and with Christmas gifts, and giving lots of praise when they do things for each other, are all ways to build closer relationships. I have 6 children and my two oldest teen girls are great at doing things with their younger siblings, like baking or playing ping pong, or reading to them or playing games. We have also just instituted a games afternoon on Fridays and we mix and match the siblings who play together. This is fun and provides opportunities for the older ones to model good sportsmanship as well as skills. Not allowing insults and encouraging compliments builds appreciation. We are still growing in this whole realm! I have to recommend the book, “Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends” which we are currently enjoying.
How do I deal with sibling rivalry?
This has been a hard one for me, however, it’s getting easier.
Our 15yro was medically fragile for years and our 16yro has always been very big & strong. The older is all boy and would want to play like a boy. However, I was so afraid of the potential outcome I became overprotective of the younger. I was always punishing the older, trying to protect the fragile one. So, that’s how I dealt with it. I probably caused more rivalry than there would have been.
How do you encourage sibling loyalty?
I would like to think I do better at this.
1) When borrowing something, or if one did something for the other, I encourage them to say thank you.
2) They have to ask permission to borrow, or use, something.
How do you help your children to develop close relationships?
1) We read the Bible as a family
2) The boys play computer games together
3) We see enriching movies together
4) Everyone is encouraged to listen to someone’s oral report
(without criticizing the person giving the report. Only Mom & Dad are allowed to give pointers. Anyone can ask questions about the subject)
5) If both Mom & Dad will be gone during a meal, see to it that they each eat. Helping if needed.
How do you help your children to become and stay close through the years?
Well, I guess this one pretty much sums everything up.
1) Let them be boys. Seeing their differences and rejoicing in those differences.
2) I mentioned sibling rivalry is getting better (or lessening). I am realizing how the older likes to have fun, and he will not (intentionally) hurt the younger. Although the older is pretty independent there are times he just has to, gently, poke someone. Be it sibling or parent. I think he needs that physical touch. After years of trying to teach him to keep his hands to himself, because the other would `whine`(And because as a Pre-school teacher, we were always telling the children to keep their hands to themselves) I have realized this is his way and the younger doesn’t need to `whine`. I hate whining & it quickly gets on my nerves, so I did the best I knew to hurry & make the `whine` STOP. Which was getting on to the older child, cause he should know better, right? HA!
Now that I am learning to stay out of the way, unless a child really needs me (really hurt or bleeding) there is much less sibling rivalry. Which now I see as really vying for Mom’s Love. Yes, sad to say my Love was drawn more to the fragile child than the “normal” child. There is more laughter between the boys now that they are able to learn and accept each others ways- without Mom’s constant intervening (nagging) and the younger is maturing, instead of depending on Mom to be to the rescue everytime. In fact, the are now ganging up and playing jokes on me. HA!
Like telling me the word `gullible` is NOT in the dictionary. Or playing a trick on me (of course I encourage the fun) such as the water glass trick. Just imagine them leaving the room and if I move I will get soaked. LOL
We do things together as a family. We are each others play mates. We live out away from people so we rely on each other for entertainment. This helps them to stay close. We have talked to them about how their family is forever. That they should be each other’s best friends. They have taken these talks well and are building upon their relationships with each other.
My older 2 are 22 and 20, both boys. The oldest is my most independent child, wanting to fix his own breakfast at 18 months. I often wonder if it was that Sesame Street Book “I Can Do It Myself” we read every night. This caused some tension between him and his brother, until the younger one finaly stood up and knocked his brother down a peg. They are godd buddies now. The younger 2 are 10 & 12, boy and a girl, they are either getting along great, or fighting like an old married couple. My 12yo is a bit of a control freak, gets it honest I am sorry to say, my daughter is trying to run the house (a little moma in the making), she has even gone as far as to rearange my stuff.
With the younger 2, my son simply gets to go outside and split wood or do yard work when he needs to work off frustration. I have started giving my daughter more responsiblility around the house. She was not to sure about it at first, and we still have to work on “heart attitutde”, but it has taught me to work on mine. I just told her if she wants to run her house one day then she has to learn how to make it run smoothly. We are working on smiling when we say yes mam or no mam, that smile sounds so much better.
Since they used to play well toghether, I am hoping that this is just part of life, a son going through puberty, and a daughter emerging from a house full of brothers. I am however watching closely to help secure a firm foundation for a lifetime relationship. I did however one day threaten to video tape my son and the way he treats his sister and then every time he brought a girl home, show her how he treats girls, this put his attitude in check for well over a month.
Valerie Neal
I must say that we didn’t do a very good job with this at first! Our oldest (a boy) is 7 years older than the next child (a girl), so that was a little hard. The funny part is that by the time #3, a boy, came along, he would defend his sister to everyone, especially the big brother!
I think homeschooling allows, even makes, our kids to be “best friends.” We now have 4 that play together, ages 10, 8, 6, and 3. The 8 year old is the only boy, but that doesn’t seem to matter. They are so good at taking turns at playing with each other’s favorite thing.
We’ve really been working on TALKING about what you want or what you don’t like, instead of whining, yelling or just leaving the room (depends which child we’re talking about). I think if they grow up being respected and seeing each other being respected, then they respect/value each other. I think when they see Daddy and Mommy taking an interest in each child’s favorite activity that helps them become closer and be less self-centered.
When there is a disagreement there is usually an apology and an “I forgive you.”
We realize that sometimes you prefer to play with one sibling over another, but they are not allowed to say nasty or hurtful words.
I think we encourage sibling loyalty by reminding the older ones to help the younger when we’re at church or out and about. Sometimes it makes them feel special to be the assigned helper of a younger sibling. Our 10 year old even likes it when the baby wants her after she’s been gone for awhile!
Our children aren’t old enough for us to know about them staying close through the years, but I think we’re laying a good foundation.
Blessings,
Danielle Hull
How do you deal with sibling rivalry?
I try to put an end to any bickering when i can. If it is just petty bickering, i call attention to it and ask that they stop. If it is something bigger, i make them sit down with me and talk to me about what just happened. This way they each get a turn to say what they think happened without being interrupted or argued with. Then i help the other person understand what was just said. I helps each one feel that they are being heard and respected.
I also try to keep them out of situations that i know will cause bickering. Situations like sharing the bathroom sink. I also keep them out of situations where they have to compete with each other. In our house this means school work. My youngest kiddo is very competitive, sees everything in light of comparing with my oldest. ( i only have two) So i give them each different things to study. I know that some of you are probably shocked and distressed by this, but it is what works for us. (Besides, it isn’t that hard when they work independently most of the time, they notebook, and i only have two of them.) I have repeated tried to teach them the same thing at the same time and their relationship goes sour fast.
We also try to help them understand that what they do today will affect what will happen tomorrow. My husband is not very close with his siblings, so i use that as a precautionary tool. ( I try to do it in a respectful light. No blame for anyone, just this is what it is and this is why.)
How do you encourage sibling loyalty?
We are very big on family comes first. If a friend gets in the way of that, that friend is limited or gone. If an activity or commitment gets in the way, same thing. They both know that this could happen and they work at keeping that influence out.
We limit outside activities to one or two things a week. We do most everything together as a family as much as possible. We even sit together as a family in church. Lots of families go to church together but split up until they leave together. We don’t. We go to our respective Sunday Schools and worship together in service. We always have. We share the struggles of our family with our kids
(10 1/2 and 13). We do what we need to do to keep the family bond strong. If it weakens we do what we need to do to make it stronger.
I also spend time discussing with the kids how they are the one relationship that will last their whole lives. No one else will ever have that history with them. Therefore they need to be on the look out for things that will harm this relationship. We have always told them that they are each other’s best friend. We have even corrected them when they try to name another. (when they were younger.) We keep a sharp eye for things that will harm it too. No harmful words are aloud. In our house words like ‘stupid’, ‘shut-up’, ‘dumb’, and ‘hate’ are very bad words. No one is aloud to make fun of, tear down, or treat badly anyone else. It is not tolerated.
Reading this sounds like we have the perfect family. We don’t. We have your average family. The kids bicker ALOT, but they are also there when the other needs them. Mostly, I find, that my kids bicker because some other need is not being met. My oldest needs to have time alone (being a teenager, anyone shocked) if it is not given, there is bickering. My youngest needs to have time to be physical, if not met, bickering. If one of them is feeling slighted, bickering. So, mostly, it is up to me to make sure that they can have their needs met, reasonably, and things go smoothly. Well, smoother.
How do you deal with sibling rivalry? I have always tried really, really hard to let my boys be themselves. I don’t encourage them to be or do stuff the other one does. They do tend to go that way though! Anyway, I think that helps them to develop a little individuality and that helps them not to be rivals.
How do you encourage sibling loyalty? I am like you Cindy, I always wanted my boys to be best friends! I have also taught them that they must come first for each other, before any other friends. Other friends may come and go but they will always have each other. We talk about this alot and I am beginning to see the fruit of my instruction.
How do you help your children to develop close relationships? Most of the time, they are the only other little people that they see. Although they aren’t so little now! I encourage them to talk about what they like, dislike, dream of, etc. together with me and with each other.
How do you help your children to become and stay close through the years? I hope that all my training will help them to stay very close over the years.
I am looking for some help in this area! I am looking forward to Cindy’s seminar!!!! I am also looking for some help with rolling a little one into the mix. My older 2 boys are 8 and 11 and then there is a baby. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help them develop a relationship with the little guy without them seeming “parental”?
Blessings,
Carie Shinn
We certainly are always seeking the Lord in this area, it does seem like a never
ending battle. My older 2 children have very different personalities. And our all knowing God put us all in the same family for a reason, to glorify Him.
We are using The Young Peacemakers to learn better how to deal with conflict before it comes. I am always open to new ideas/suggestions. I am excited to read what everyone says here!
Lori Duncan
I have two little girls ages 5 and 7. I was thrilled when I found out my second child was a girl because I too wanted my children to be best friends. Since they were so close in age, and the same sex, I knew that it would hopefully help facilite a close relationship.
I have never really had much problem with sibling rivalry. Both my girls are well loved and given fair amounts of our time together and apart. My husband and I have worked hard to make things equal and not show any favoritism. While we do love different things about our girls, we certainly do not love one more than the other.
Since my girls have been born, they have shared a room. This is very helpful in creating sibling loyalty. They have to learn better to get along. There don’t have seperate rooms to go to. I had read an article before my second daughter was born that said siblings who shared a room would be better able to deal with conflicts as adults because they had to deal with them their entire time sharing a room. It made sense to me and I liked the possible outcome.
We are now moving into a new house and we gave the girls the option to have seperate rooms or share a room and they chose to share a room. It certainly warmed my heart.
When dealing with friends, we always tell our girls that each other comes first. If someone is disrespectful or mean to one girl, as her sister the other is to stand up for and with her sister. They, as well as our family, are a team and we stick together. No matter what. That way each girls knows that no matter how mean the other kids can be, there is always one person there for them and on their side.
I feel if you encourage family togetherness and loyalty, it will follow into their other relationship, especially with each other.
Loved this question.
Thanks,
Shannon Depew
How do you deal with sibling rivalry? First of all, we explain that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. It’s important to share a verse from the Bible that applies, ie. “do to others as you’d have done to you” or “this is how we know what love is…Jesus Christ laid down His life for us”…etc. Then we follow up with “dialogue-ing” them through how best to handle the given situation.
How do you encourage sibling loyalty? One huge way is by keeping them together a lot. As very young children, their exposure to alternative playmates is quite limited. Mommy and Daddy talk to the boys a lot about protecting their sisters, and always defending them, and to the girls about treating their brothers with kindness and respect.
How do you help your children to develop close relationships? Our kiddos are still very small, so this is a tough one, but it takes constant encouragement, and lots of examples given. We talk the kids through what we think would be a nice way to talk to one another as they play together with someone younger than themselves. Sometimes we have to get pretty creative, but coming up with an idea for their playtime together (and even getting them started) helps a lot.
How do you help your children to become and stay close through the years? (It’s hard to answer this, only because our kids are 6, 4, 4, 2, and 6 months.) I would say, though, that staying together as a family in all that we do is important. Mommy’s and Daddy’s attitudes are extremely important in molding the attitudes of little ones.
One of my deepest prayers is that my boys will always be there for one another, that they’ll be best friends, and that no matter how far life may take them from one another, that they’ll always be there for each other.
Even though my boys (11 and 7) don’t always get along right now, for the most part they’re pretty good with one another. Of course, the oldest claims we (hubby and I) love the youngest more; the youngest claims we love the oldest more. I guess that’s pretty normal especially since there’s only 3 1/2 years between them.
How do you deal with sibling rivalry? I try to let my boys know that each of them is special, not only in God’s eyes, but in mine and my hubby’s. We try not to treat them differently, but they ARE different people. It’s a fine line to treat them equally but with their own bent in mind.
How do you encourage sibling loyalty? We tell our boys that friends may come and go throughout their lives, but they will always have each other to fall back on. Right now they stick up for one another when friends pick on one or the other, but I pray they’ll truly understand the special bond of being brothers.
How do you help your children to develop close relationships? We encourage them to play together and get along. Unfortunately, the getting along isn’t always happening. I remember “fighting” with my brothers and sister, so I try not to panic about it. For the most part, they have a close relationship. I love watching the two of them – arms around each other – with one reading to the other. They also sit together on their dad’s recliner and watch TV. I believe they already have a close relationship.
How do you help your children to become and stay close through the years? Prayer is my first choice on helping them stay close. My prayer is that their relationship will continue to develop and that they’ll understand the importance of staying close while they grow up and beyond.
We try and be fair with the girls. Rachel is older, reserved, and more responsible. Wanda is younger, more outgoing and scatterbrained. We will explain to the other one why sister gets something or gets to do something different. It helps when they know sister isn’t loved more just because sister got something extra this time.
Rebecca Smith
Having six children, the subject of sibling rivalry and sibling loyalty comes up often. We use a lot of principles from “The Five Love Languages of Children” to help us, as parents, treat our children according to their unique personalities. Then, we have worked hard over the years to help our children appreciate each other’s unique qualities. There are times, although less frequent as they get older, where they are at each others throats. There are also times, however, where they are each others strongest allies. The key has proven to be lots and lots of prayer, and letting them learn to settle their differences without intervention (unless really necessary or Mom can’t take it anymore – ha,ha!). I think the sibling relationships are a training ground for other life relationships. Girls with brothers learn how to interact with boys much more comfortably and vice versa. God created us to have relationships and gave us our family relationships to help us know how to interact with others. When our children are able to discuss matters with each other, solve conflicts among themselves, and relate to each other as people they are much more successful in the “real world.”
Our girls are 6yo and 8yo and are very loyal to each other. We always encourage them to be kind to ine another but I had never thought of specifically teaching them to be loyal. I suppose I will add that to character development for the future. I know they understand we pray for each other and that probably has helped their loyalty to each other. They do still see things as unfair if anything is not even with them but they are also learning to encourage each other with new things.
Our girls have the opportunity to share a room (not sure if that is really an opportunity but is a necessity :-)). This encourages closeness and sharing as they both play together and clean up together.
Sibling rivalry is in mediation lots of times. We address heart attitude when trying to lead the girls to love one another and to see it from the other one’s perspective. They also get to learn about putting others first , which decreases rivalry, when playing with their toddler brother. We want them to treat others as they want to be treated and this seems to help them see they can’t always be first in everything.
I think that our family bible time and praying together helps them become close. They also spend their days together since we started homeschooling and this seems to have improved their friendship and closeness because they are each others’ best palymates.
Long term is harder to comment on because they are still young. I hope to encourage that through modeling and staying close to my sister.
Ladies, Have a great week!
In His Grace,
Jeniver Boyer
As I started to write this a couple hours ago the boys (ages 3 and 6) were as usual in a heated battle over some truck or toy… But now that I am actually sitting down to write, they are happily playing together at the table with cookie cutters and home made play dough.
We had family game night and I think that is key, when we all play together cooperatively they seem to be conditioned to the cooperation and continue it after we are done.
The other thing I have found is at least 1 time a week I take just one of the boys to do something (even just run errands) then the next time it is the other boy’s turn.
We try to maintain the “taking turns” theme. I also take time during school to work with just 1 child for 10 minutes or so and then switch. Focused time with just one child seems to help the sibling rivalry.
They still don’t understand that Auntie (on either side) is the sibling. In one case the older and in the other the younger. I try to show examples to them hoping they see…
They are still young and I have a long road ahead of me.
Cariann
We have always wanted our children to be best friends. One of the big things we try to do is keep them from being exposed to books, videos, and other things that deal with sibling rivalry. This includes those books about expecting a new baby. We feel like allowing them to digest that material is telling them that sibling rivalry is normal.
We have many discussions in our home about the golden rule. We talk about treating people in the way you would like to be treated. We also talk about how friends will come and go, but you will always have your brothers and sister.
I guess this is something else that would limit sibling rivalry. We started doing it out of practicality, but it has worked really well for our family. Our family is a team, we approach just about everything from that mentality. Everything that we do affects the other members of our team and how we get to our family goals. We wrap our schedule around Daddy, because he goes to work to provide for our family. When we decided to get HAM radio licensed, we made it a family event and all the kids that are old enough to read the test will be getting their license. When we want to do fun things we try to pick things that the whole family can do together. Now that is not to say that no one has any outside interests or activities, just that we try to limit those to keep our focus on our family.
I also think it is good for them to have some quiet time every day. We have a Flat on Bunk time each afternoon for an hour or two. This is time for the little ones to get a nap and for the older ones to read quietly, write, or draw. This gives them some time to be alone (as much as you can get in a big family). Then they appreciate each other more and are more rested so they can play better together. It also gives them, and me, time to refresh and pull back to be ready to be part of the team again.
Well, one thing I’ve heard in regards to this subject is this:
“Your children should never treat their friends better than they treat their siblings.”
I have tried to instill this in my children…but it has been a challenge at times! We do have many days where all the kids play together peacefully, enjoying one another and getting along very well. We try to encourage this because we know how important it is to love one another and to form a lasting relationship with family members. I’ve told them often that they will have many friends in and out of their lives throughout their lives, but they will always only have these siblings. My husband and I have good relationships with our siblings, but we both admit things could be better. I so want my children to care about one another, to be a support for one another when they need it later in life. Ultimately, they need to turnt to Christ first, but to have a brother or sister to talk to and get Godly wisdom from would be awesome. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my brother, as we believe different things, but I pray there will be a day that we can development that sort of friendship!
As for how we encourage friendship versus rivalry….I do tell them it’s really not a competition. I try to remind my son to be tactful when he’s helping his sister with spelling or explaining something in conversation…he tends to be surprised that she doesn’t know something and it comes out in his voice. That can lead to hurt feelings very quickly. I remind him that he is 2 years older and has learned more than her because of that…to be gentle with her. I think he’s getting it, but we do still need reminders quite often. I tell him the same about his younger brother, who of course wants to be just like his big brother! It is easy to understand how a constant tag-along can get annoying, but we try to teach our oldest that it is because he is so admired, and to be kind and loving with his little brother. It’s hard, because little brother will try to whine and get his way, and that does not make his big brother inclined to do as he requests! It’s a work in progress. 🙂
With my daughter, since she is the middle child (right now), I’ve noticed she wants to be like her bigger brother, but often seems to view her younger brother as ‘competition’. He was born when she was just 3.5 so she was ‘the baby’. I’ve talked to her and tried to explain that she shouldn’t view him as a competitor, but as a little person she can help us to guide and take care of…it’s difficult, because she often gets her feelings hurt when he wants to play with his big brother, and unwittingly leaves her out. I don’t think he does this on purpose, but it is something we will have to watch in the coming years. I don’t want it to turn into somethng he does do purposely.
Something we have done, that is kind of funny, and usually works, is a ‘method’ I got from the book Creative Correction by Rachel Welchel. One of her suggestions for dealing with an argument was to have the children involved sit together, facing one another and holding hands while talking about the issue. They are not allowed to get up until they have worked out a solution and can get along peacefully again. I’ve had the older two do this, and usually they cannot get through the exercise without beginning to laugh and working out the issue. It’s not foolproof…sometimes there is a great amount of stubborness involved… but it works farily well.
I am looking forward to reading others’ responses, as I can always use suggestions for teaching my children God’s way of doing things. It’s easy to get caught up in lecturing them about what they should do, but still miss out on the biblical prinicpal involved. Thanks Cindy, for the great subjects you have for our Mommy Homework each week!
Wendy Woerner
i’m still very much in the thick of it… i hope someday i can look back on the whole thing and say that my children are now best friends, but it sure doesn’t seem like it now! i quote scripture endlessly and remind my kiddos that they are NOT each others enemies and Jesus says to love your enemies even, how much smore so must we love our own siblings! At any rate, we are keep on keeping on, and just hope and pray for the best. I so soooo want that for my children, for them to be best friends.
This was my deepest prayer when we had our two boys. They are 20 months apart. In my family, my older bro. and sis. were 18 mos apart and NEVER got along. Then, six years later, I was born and 18 mos after that my brother. We’ve always been reall close. We had squabbles, I’m a hot head. But we’ve always been good friends. So, when I had the boys, this was my concern because there didn’t seem to be a formula for creating friendships between your children.
Shortly after my second son was born, my aunt wrote me a letter. She, too, had two boys close in age, now grown. She wrote in her note that the trick is to always make them share a bedroom. Her theory was that you can’t stay mad at someone you have to sleep beside!
So, maybe that’s the secret. Our boys have always shared a bedroom and they are each other’s best friend. I do have one other secret. We’ve always treated them like twins. We don’t give the older one more privileges just because he’s 20 months older. We don’t do activities like sports or clubs unless both boys are going to be involved. Even with homeschooling the only subjects in which they are separate is math. They do everything together and prefer it that way now. They are 11 and 10.
Hormones are starting to effect the attitude of our oldest, so I don’t know what treats await us there, but I will prayerfully consider all my options always asking God to preserve their “best friend” relationship.
Lori Lynn Lydell
One thing that I just started in the past few weeks is trying to have them work out their problems themselves without always coming to Mama to intervene I make the “offendee” tell the offender what he/she did to offend. This is helping, I hope, build communication skills amongst them. Communication is the foundation of all relationships.
We have a huge ritual to do when we have offended someone, including apologizing, asking forgiveness, granting forgiveness and showing affection in deed and word.
My children (10, 6 and 3) play together a lot. When they have friends over, everyone is to be included, even the 3yo. I allow them times alone with friends too, but in general, my children come as a package deal. One neighbor boy didn’t like this arrangement, but now he is fine with all my children playing with him (he is 11). I had my expectation and eventually they lived up to it.
They also work together on chores. They like to solicit each others’ help to make the job go faster.
Also, when playing, the three of them will join forces against Daddy. He is more into physical play than I am and they will whip each other with towels, tickle and wrestle. My children are a team.
If my children get upset over a material thing ans are taking it out on a sibling, I ask them the question about what is more important, the thing or their sibling. The correct answer is sibling and I hope that contintually doing this will help them keep things in perspective. (Eg, This is from today. At a restaurant, 6yo somehow caused 3yo to drop a french fry. 3yo went ballastic. The question brought things back into order.)
I hope that they will continue to be friends in their teen and adult years, but I am still in the beginning stages. I look forward to the wisdom of the BTDT moms.
Julia Schlenker
My kids and sibling rivalry – This is a tough one for us. My daughter has asperger syndrome, so even though she is older, sometimes she seems younger. There are a lot of things we have to do “special” for her or to accommodate her difficulties in understanding what is common sense for others. We have always tried to explain to our son about her problems and such, but we are also trying to balance that with understanding that it does make it difficult for him. Sometimes she hurts him and that is hard for him to always deal with. She also is sometimes frustrating in that she “has to” have things done a certain way, and that steps on his ideas. To sum up, on our part on day-to-day things, we try to give them both what they need, even though that may be different from what the other needs. We also try to explain why things are different for the other.
This is between rivalry and loyalty, but they sometimes get into little arguments. We think that how we deal with the arguments will encourage loyalty, also. Some may think that this is cruel and unusual punishment, but to deal with some of those little arguments and such (boy 8 almost 9, and girl 13) we make them hug each other and say “I Love You.” Then they have to tell why they are glad the other one is in our family.
Also to encourage loyalty, and I think it has been mentioned by others, is to let them play together and have good memories together. We try to do activities that they can both do, some he may be better at, and others she might be better at, but we try to encourage them to encourage each other if we are involved.
I regularly remind my kids that friends come and go, but your sib is forever. Your brother is your brother always, and your sister is your sister always. I remind them that when they will need someone later in life, they will be able to count on each other, but only if they are friends now. I also encourage them to always be in the others’ “corner” – if a neighborhood ‘friend’ calls one a name or shoves or something, stick up for the sib. The ‘friend’ could be moving in a few months and you’ll never see them again, but you don’t want your sib to think that you prefer a friend over you!!
They already think that they will be friends when they get older. I think it’s kind of about traditions, too. In my family of origin, we get together for holidays and we’re pretty close (a few exceptions apply). There are times when a gap forms, but we’re always there if it’s serious. I think my kids are best friends, too.
The BIGGEST thing is what Jesus said is the biggest thing – Love one another. That is the standard that we keep bringing up – Would you feel loved if someone did that (or something similar) to you?!?
Oh, meant also to say that in event of a big fight or whatever, we bring up my aunts who weren’t speaking to each other for years and then one of them died and the other was devastated.
(oh, and I forgot to put in my name before)
Elizabeth Bowen
We have 1 boy who is 17 and 3 girls ages 16, 12 and 10. Our kids have always been raised to be each others best friend. Back when the oldest 2 were babies we were a young military family who didn’t live close to home and didn’t have anyone to watch the kids so that we could go out without them. So we spent all our time together and I think that really helped. Our teens are still close today. They work at the same place, have the same friends and enjoy being together. Our youngest two are not quite 2 years apart and are good friends also. They share a room and even though the 12 year old would like to have her own room, I think she’d miss her little sister if they weren’t together. We don’t have any girls in our neighborhood so they don’t have friends to play with other than each other. They do have friends from church and our co-op classes but they don’t get together out of that setting.
When the kids were little, we’d always make them apologize to each other and give hugs when someone was hurt by another. And I remember one time where Steven and Hannah had to hold hands on the couch for a while. They still laugh about that today and sometimes Hannah will beg Steven to hold her hand. A lot of times at night I’ll find them together talking and some mornings they all pile into bed with me and we can easily talk for an hour. I grew up in a family who talked alot so I like to do that as well. Don’s family was louder – always had the tv and radio on and playing games. When their friends come over sometimes we’ll pull out a game and play for an hour. I think the other teens are comfortable here and they know we enjoy having them. They see how well Don and I get along and that’s a big thing for the teens.
We are going on a family camping trip this weekend – we do this twice a year. Our oldest daughter complains that 4 days away from home is so boring but I find it very relaxing. 🙂 We sleep in, go to the beach, go for bike rides, walk on the beach at night looking for crabs and enjoy Don and Steven playing their guitars at night by the fire. I also read to the kids at night and one time I worked on a lapbook with the little girls. I hope Hannah will realize that she does have fun and that this will be our best trip yet! We always take lots of pictures too and it’s always fun to get them on the computer as soon as we get home to look them over.
Don is real big into 4 wheelers and dirt bikes. He has just gotten the girls their own little bikes and is teaching them to ride. In fact, he’s outside right now riding with the kids. When we go visit our family in MI each summer we go for alot of rides in the woods. The kids all enjoy that too.
We really haven’t had to deal much with sibling rivalry. We have alot of love for each other (not to say that they don’t get on each others nerves sometimes) but for the most part, the kids do great together. Be together as much as you can and have fun. Our kids all have great sense of humor and enjoy making us laugh.
Katie Anderson
This is a very important issue that is on my mind a lot. My sisters and I have a hard time getting along. I believe that our sibling rivalry was created by my parents. They always compare us to each other. That is where I am trying to start. I think that I need to encourage the children in their own differences. I also praise them in front of each other for the things that make them unique and that they are good at. I praise them in front of each other for things that they do right. They have started praising each other now. I don’t want them to compare among themselves. I want them to know that God created them with their own individual talents and strengths and that we all have weaknesses that need help. I know that there is more to it, but this is where I am starting. I also want them to know that I love them, no matter what.
I hope that they stay close and know that they can be best friends.
Sincerely,
Katrina Boatwright
We have 4 children (9yos, 8yod, 7yos, and 3yos). We try as many others mentioned to do as much together as a family (game nights, running errands, being outside together, working together, etc). Our children have friends, but since we do not live in a subdivision, they are not constantly playing with those friends and so they learn how to play with each other. As with many families, our children bicker and fight, have times they don’t want to share, but I also see wonderful playtimes together as well.
I was also pleased this year to hear my 9yos become very excited that his sister was moving up to join him in S.S. this year and AWANA. He was even disappointed that she was not on his team in AWANA. That was precious to hear.
We also have rest time each day. I stress to the children that we are with each other most all the time and each of us need to have our own quiet time to rest, reflect, be creative, etc. This also gives mommy time to get things done. They’ve learned over the years that this is just part of our day. They don’t even question it anymore like they did when they were younger. We have all come to enjoy this time.
Something we gleaned from another veteran homeschool family is to do as many activities together as a family. Because we have 3 children so very close in age, we limit our extra-curricular activites for our family. We do not want to be gone every night of the week to a different activity. This family had the same situation. They had 5 children total. So, instead they agreed to be involved in 4-H together. We thought that was really neat and learned that it is okay if are children aren’t playing every sport that’s offered. I am definitely not saying that it is wrong. This is just what our family has chosen to do at this stage of our lives. I know that if God has given a child a special talent, then by all means I would want that child to use their God-given talent for the Lord. But at this time, we are doing what works for our family.
I think taking the time to talk through matters of the heart is a big way that we develop close relationships between our siblings. If they were off at school each day, we wouldn’t have these precious moments. I enjoy “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp and “Don’t Make Me Count to Three” by Ginger Plowman as resources for dealing with heart issues. These books, along with Ginger’s “Wise Words for Moms” (a handy Scripture reference) helps in dealing with issues that pop up throughout our day.
My hope and prayer is that all our children will be close one day. My husband does not have that same closeness with his brothers and so it is our prayer that we can make a difference. We try to be honest with our children by sharing examples from our youth, when possible, so that they can gain some insight about relationships that we didn’t feel we had. And most of all, taking these matters to the Lord.
Nancy Mosley
Wow! This is such a great topic. It is also a topic that my husband and I struggle with from time to time.
Both my husband and I are the babies of the family. There is also a major age gap between each of our siblings. His sister is 14 years older and his brother is 7 years. My sister is almost 11 years older (10 years, 10 months and 10 days to be exact) and my brother is 17 1/2 years older than me. Yes, we were both surprise babies.
Well, needless to say, we both basically grew up as only children. We try to spend one on one time with each of our three children. We really don’t have them involved in any regular outside activities, except for art class and church. We have a wonderful support group that we are involved in, but it isn’t an everyday thing.
We have been asked on numerous occasions if our children (we have three–ages 12, 10 and 5) get along as well as they do wherever we happen to be (running errands and running into friends or at chuch). We usually jokingly state that they have a love-hate relationship. Either they love each other or they hate each other. Sometimes it is almost laughable at how quickly they get over their hurt feelings. Just as we, the parents, are figuring out how to deal with the situation, they come in hugging each other and looking at us like we have the problem.
The way that I, the mom, deal with sibling problems is 1) Discuss the situation. I need to find out what is going on. 2) Give advice on why it is wrong or how to deal with that particular situation. Most of the time it is one of two things: 1. One child is being irritating to another or 2. One child is bothering someone’s stuff. One rule that we have in our house is that any toy or play thing in our living is there to be played with anyone. If you don’t want someone playing with it, then keep it in your room.
I also try to foster and loving relationship between not only the children with each other but also with myself. We play games together, go bike riding, share meals together where we have great conversations (usually at lunch we listen to an audiobook that pertains to school) and make special crafts together for the holidays.
Several months ago we watched a movie titled “Saving Sarah Cain” (highly recommend). It made my two older children cry when the childrens mom died and they were by themselves. My husband stopped the movie and asked them if they now understood why we want them to have a close relationship with each other because when we are gone, they will only have each other. We stress to them that their relationship with each other is the strongest (next to they future spouses) than any of their friends, because friends come and friends go.
Also another thing that we do is send them to their rooms to cool off. Once they are separated, one of us will go in and talk about the situation. A lot of time just being out of the situation, clears everything up.
There are also several resources that are available, but I’ll recommend two of my favorites. The first is Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel and the second one is the Birth Order book by Kevin Leman. Both of these offer great insight into not only ways of correcting problems but also the reasoning behind why the child is behaving in a certain way.
I am truly blessed to be able to be home with my children and to be able to guide and direct them in the way that Christ would have them go.
Jennifer R.
Hi Cindy
I wanted to write regarding “Sibling Rivalry” from 2 points of view if that is ok?
First I grew up in a Christian family with 8 siblings. I am now 35 and I am the oldest. My youngest brother in 18. There are 6 girls and 3 boys and most of us went to a private Christian school for much of our teenage years. Mum and dad began homeschooling with the youngest 3 in the family.
Sibling relationships for me- during school years really poor ie we were not close and there was a lot of sibling rivalry which I never examined too closely. Now as adults with young families we are MUCH closer and my sisters would be considered my closest friends. My brothers are not so close (i was 7 and at school when the first boy was born)- never really had much to do with them and don’t really keep in touch.
Second point of view: I have three children DD6, DS almost 5 and DS 3. The first 2 have always been best friends and I dont recall a time in their young lives that they have ever been anything but. Sure they have problems but never rivallry. HOWEVER since no 3 has turned 2.5 my boys have RIVALLED non stop it seems. I think first it is really wonderful that the Holy Spirit reveals to you how NOT OK this is. When you talk to non christian parents it is like it is normal!!! So some things that I have implemented under the Lord’s direction because I spent some time in prayer about it :O) Not because I wanted to have best friends so much as just brothers that 1) DIdnt KILL each other and 2) lived the way Christ calls us to.
1. Taught them the verse: Behold it is good and pleasant for brothers to live in unity Psalm 133:1
2. Used “Training in Righteousness” Pam Forster (the section on anger and Cain’s relationship to his brother)
3. Sharig the same room and spending 99.9% of their time together.
4. Time on their own each day because I think was all need some time just alone (well, I do anyway!!)
5. Started working on “The Brother Offended Checklist” also by Pam Forster about dealing with conflicts with each other.
I think time is the key to relationships so the more time you spend with someone the more it is pleasant when you get along. I just think that it is essential that people in a family get along. When something goes wrong we seek to rectify the relationship somehow (in a godly manner) preferably fast (which is EASY when they are young and HEAPS more difficult when they are older! from my experience).
Blessing to all those raising children! and sorry this is so long!!!!!!!
Pauline Monty
We have three children, 14 yr old daughter, 13 yr old son, and 10 yr old son. My oldest two are thirteen months apart, which naturally let to close relationships. They are now best friends and have taken it upon themselves to protect and teach their younger brother.
Building family ties has made all of the difference. We stayed home and cultivated our relationships as a family. Activities were done together. Reading together each evening has been one of the keys to our building strong relationships. We have ad our best discussions late at night.
As they got older and had separate activities, we tried to involve everyone as much as possible. All of my children are sports fanatics and play sports. We use this as an opportunity to encourage each other and build each other up. Many afternoons will find my children outside practicing together.
This is not to say we have not had problems. We all get selfish, and sometimes we just want to do our own thing. However, discuss these issues, pray about them, help each one of them understand the others’ feelings, etc. Encouraging them to think of others is very important. Not only will it help them to build strong sibling relationships, but all other relationships in their life as well.
Natalie Munroe
We have eight children, ages 1-11. This allows plenty of opportunities for problems between siblings. One of the best ways I have found to deal with sibling friction is to have them serve each other. I try to have them serving others every day, but if I find that two of them are having a lot of trouble, we will have special times of service. One child and I will prepare a special surprise for the other, like cleaning the room, baking cookies, buying a special treat, etc, and while we are doing this we will pray for the other child and the relationship. I have found that this gives a special love and bond quicker than anything else we have tried. It is very difficult to continue in anger while serving another.
We also limit time with children outside the family, although I do encourage my children to have other friends. It is a balancing act, as too much togetherness sometimes causes problems, as well as not enough time together. All of this is surrounded closely and constantly with prayer. I think one of the greatest gifts I cna give my children is closeness with each other.
My kids are 5,3 and 1 and though I deal with squabbles on a daily basis but most of the time the kids know they are each others best and closest friends and I expect them to treat each other the same (or better!) than they even would a stranger or friend. Just because they are siblings doesn’t mean that fighting and bickering should be expected as “normal”.
At this young age the best thing I have done with them is to teach them verses regarding areas of difficulties in their relationships and love and use a sticker star chart. When I “catch” them being loving or sharing or talking nice, etc to a sibling I will often give them a star on their chart. I will not give them a star if they ask for it and I will not say something like, “If you do (whatever), you will get a star”. When they get 8 stars they get to chose alone time with either mom or dad- reading a book with us or taking a walk to the park. I can see an improvement in their behaviors between one another and at this young age they are still learning what is acceptable and not and this has really been helpful to teach this and encourage positive behaviors instead of always correcting bad behaviors- and EASY for me!
Can’t wait to read all of the responses because I am always looking for more ideas!
Amy Matthys
I think one of the most important aspects of having siblings get along…is actually spending time together. I think that quanity/quality time together builds their relationships.
There is no place that fosters this more than the homeschooled family. Most, if not all, of our activities are done so that we can all participate in them. This is especially true when the kids are young.
As they grow, I think that time spent together fosters this friendship, also. They are looking out for one another and do share common things together.
There may be some rougher times, when they seem to need their own space. This, to me, is ok. Give them their time to be alone, but always bring them back to doing some activity or spending the time together, as a whole.
ok now I will say I have not read the post so far but will most likely have to print them all and make a book for me to study. I have failed misserabely in this area.
My children fight, argue, and seem to hate one another. They have never really gotten along and I have no idea how anyone teaches their children to get along and actually care for one another.
One time my ds picked up his sister in a store and when he lifted her she fell backwards and hit her head on the cement floor and she got amnesia that is about the only time I remember him caring for her.
So I really do not need to say I have nothing to say as far as giving advice here, except what ever I did, do not do it at all.
They are 14 and 12, is it too late? Help
thanks ladies I really look forward to learning something on this one.
Nancy~Jane Holbrook
Oh this is a big one for me as my children are aged almost 8 years apart as my brother and I were 7 years apart. The difference in age and the fact they are boy and girl makes it even tougher for me. My brother and I are not very close because it was not fostered in my family to have loyalty to each other. I try to encourage my son (the oldest) to be my daughter’s protector. When I see them playing together, I try not to interrupt and just the Lord work in what’s happening at the time. We try to be fair in disciplining them and getting them to treat each other with respect. We continue to ask the Lord for guidance and we shall see how everything turns out in the coming years! 🙂
This is something that has been hard in our family. Our oldest, 20 yrs, and then the next is going on 9 yrs in November and the 3rd is turning 6 in Dec. Because of abuse that the oldest on with-stood before we adopted him, the two older ones haven’t been able to be close to each other because of him having to be removed from the home. But we have kept them close through emails, phone calls and the mail and they love to hear from each other. He is our daughters hero!
Now the our daughter and our youngest love to fight with each other. But what we have found is that if we play with them and make them do their jobs together, it helps them to grow closer.
We are praying that they will always find in later years that their best friends are each other. Homeschooling makes it easier to guide them toward a closer relationship.
Each new year is a new experience and a new time of growing together.
Orilla Crider
Sibling Rivalry or Friendship ……
Keeping the rivalry down has been difficult. It is not always easy to keep things looking “fair” in your children’s eyes. My younger two (ages 9 and 11) still find it hard to understand why they can’t do things their other siblings do (ages 14, 17). My husband and I remind them that at their age, the older boys never did them either. Tears are still shed, bad feelings still felt — but are usually just for the moment. What I find is important for me is keeping my cool through it all, then it’s not as monumental. (Kids get over things faster than I do – *smile*)
Sibling Friendship is extremely important. We keep telling our children that their present friends may not always be their friends, but their siblings will always be their siblings — what better friends. I’m not certain I’ve done the best job at encouraging friendships during our home educating time, as that time is not as pleasant and friendly as my dreams had hoped. This year we are doing more things to promote togetherness – game time is an example, hoping to work on their kindness and encouraging words to each other as they play board games.
When we find our children fighting more amongst themselves, my husband puts limitations on various things – time out of the home with friends by themselves, video games by themselves, – then waits until he sees them playing amongst themselves happily.
“Treat others as you’d like to be treated” is repeated often by me in our home. Some day it will sink in.
My second oldest is a leader and does have a difficult time taking advice from his older brother, which is difficult. We’re working on that. “It takes two” we always say to fight and to make peace, so both sides need to do something.
As much as togetherness is wonderful, giving time alone to play or just regroup is all part of keeping the peace and encouraging friendship as well. The happier we are inside, the more we show it outwards.
We are working on helping our children join together to work and play. We try and have something for each boy that is all their own. The oldest boy needs space from his siblings, the younger boy always wants to be with someone so we try and entertain him so the older can have some extra needed space.
I always, always learn so much from other Mamas!! Thank you!!
We have a 14dd, and a 11ds at home now. And sibling difficulties aren’t too bad. It’s the little things, you know?! So I am always reminding them of that: to take a minute, say something nice, make the effort, play nice!! Even as adults…I need to be reminded of those words!!
We encourage alot of time together. We homeschool….when my 14 dd wants to do something in the community that involves other boys, her brother goes with her. We have trained him that he is to be her protector when her Daddy isn’t around. Now, having a younger brother tag along isn’t always the best; but we don’t encourage activities where she is around boys to often.
We encourage them to do their lessons together. So I often find them sharing a book, reading together, or dd helping with a math lesson. I really encourage dd to take an active role in “teaching” also.
And like Julie said: having their alone time is just as important.
We really just stress “Family”……and the importance of being united. Thankfully it’s worked so far!!
Again! You women are Fabulous!! And smooches to Cindy for this forum!!
Blessings!
Kelly Martin
What a great topic. Boy how I wish I had great input on this . Nothing warms my heart more than seeing my kids enjoying themselves together. I am not particularly close to my 4 siblings so I want nothing more than my kids to grow up close, looking out for one anothr and being there for each other.
I think homeschooling helps in this area. My kids are together all day and are forced to interact. Filed trips become a joint outing. If one is at practice the others are there watching. Leading them to cheer on their sibling goes along way. It becomes natural to put down the other but with training they can see themselves as the cheerleader for the other. I have not read the other responses yet and I cannot wait to see the great ideas. Thinking on the spot, I am thinking of beginning bless your sibling day, where the kids have the assignmnet to go out of their way to encourage abn bless the other. Letting them be creative in what the other will like.
What a great topic I am off to read the responses and get inspired.
Each of my 5 children have very different personalities, the common characteristic in the family – strong personalities! The ages of our children are 16, 14, 8, 6 & 4.
This makes for some – situations occasionally, but we manage well enough. Our wide spread makes some things easier, others harder. My youngest son (4) has always called his oldest sister (16) Nanny – their relationship is so sweet.
We tend to focus on stong family ties first and foremost. We do not encourage activities that would mean each had their own activity, and I would be left struggling to make it all work.
We all did Tae Kwon Do for 5 years together. It was great for the family, and since we were all involved in the same activity, it contributed to our family, instead of taking away from it.
There are some things I simply do not allow. Family is the unit God gave to us, so I consider it of primary importance. I am careful to protect our time together as a family, and I am careful to participate in activities that are family oriented. We do not allow activities that derail our lives. Being away from home all the time is not conducive to our well being as a family.
My family was not particularly loyal, so it is very important to me that my children learn to be loyal. We all try to be positive, kind, and caring. We focus on caring for each other, appreciating our strengths and helping each other in our areas of weakness. I state clearly to my children what is expected – today dd 8 and ds 4 went next door to play – I reminded dd that she was to make sure and watch over her brother and play with him too. When they returned home, she reported what she did with him and what he did while they were playing.
Being together, learning together, playing together, and being taught that these are the people that will always be there for them – these seem to be working to build the closeness I desire for my children.
But – one thing – I think most important is the prayer. Dh and I pray every single day together, asking for wisdom, guidance and step by step direction in raising our children. We address issues together each day, discuss them and decide on a course of action and/or course of prayer :0)
Being on the same page, working toward the same goal with my dh is crucial to our family well being.
TxTrish
As my 2nd oldest just graduated and moved out of state to go to college, I have my three youngest girls at home (4, 10, and 11).
I’ve always wanted my children to have a close relationship. I’m not sure if I have a “formula, ” but I’ve always encouraged my children the following:
*To be each other’s best friend and encourager. It doesn’t always happen, but if they say something negative, we encourage them to apologize and replace it with encouraging words.
*Treat each other with respect. If they can’t work it out according to the bible, they come to dad or I and we discuss behaviors, show a scripture to show how God wants us to behave and guide them to repentance to God and then their offended sibling. We want to disciple our children and teach and show them how to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh.
*We believing in doing things as a family – homeschool, field trips, outings, ministry and my children stay with mom and dad during church services. We don’t separate them. They do have a next door friend, but they play together as a group.
*My husband and I always have an open door of communication with them and also try to spend quality time as a family as well as with each individual child.
*We hug and tell them we love them throughout the day and everyday. We tell them they are each special in God’s eye’s and He has a special plan for each of them.
*They also share bedrooms and spend a lot of play time together.
P.S. I also PRAY a lot for my children!
God bless!
Sharon Nelson
My kiddos are pretty young, so there is not a whole lot of issues. My constant prayer is that they will be best friends. (there is a book I want to that effect, I can’t remember it’s name)
Not to knock any of you who don’t homeschool, but the biggest issues come after we have been around other families for extended time, and those kids are not home schooled and do not treat their siblings as friends, then it is suddenly like my son (the older one) starts to temporarily see his sister as the enemy because he sees those kids treat their sibling that way. It seems to get worse as the kids we regularly and unavoidably encounter get older, and always shocks me. We are surrounded by such great homeschooling families at church and even right next door. I am shocked at how some kids treat their siblings!
It has really only been the past few months that issues have come up in my sons treament of his little sister. For him the world is very black and white which in many ways is very good, he tends toward complete honesty and fleeing from evil (Lord may he continue that way 10 years form now!). But this means that he can be brutally honest with his sister, and most of the time it is just a matter of reminding him what he was like as a four year old, that his picture and songs and made up games and stories were not necesarily the greatest but we encouraged him and cheered him on which is what he needs to do for his sister. The he says “YOU WANT ME TO LIE TO HER???” “No, we want to to encourage her, and if you can’t say something nice say nothing at all!” So he is learning to be nice without being brutally honest and hurting her feelings.
He really has a tender heart and most of the time when he can see it from her perspective, and we read him some scriptures on edifying others, he ends up dissolving in tears and begging for forgiveness.
Over the summer we volunteered in an inner city kids ministry for 2 weeks and my kids came back with some bad attitudes toward each other. I had had it, I completely seperated them from each other (no contact, not even meals), and was ready to do it for days if neccesary, but it only took a couple hours before they missed each other terribly and were begging to be with each other (thank God, we have a small house so this was a challenge!). That may not work for everyone, but it did for them. They even asked to sleep together that night!
Okay, that all I have, I’m tired, have a sink full of dishes and unpolitical me is trying to listen to the debate!
Blessings to everyone!
I wish that we had home schooled our 3 oldest children I’m sure the rivalry would not have been as bad. Public school pushes the rivalry with the grade scales, sports, public talent shows and student of the month programs. Our oldest is now 26 and her brother (middle child) now 21 won’t sit in the same room with her because he was always compared to her by their teachers. She was the one with all A’s and could have gone on to higher things. The youngest of the 3, a girl is the only one to have finished anything beyond high school. At 20 she is in the Army National Guard as an electrition and is going to school to be an RN and she was home schooled the last 6 years of school. When she entered the military she took a written exam to get a diploma and had a perfect score. The baby who is 16 years younger at 3 1/2 is smarter than the other 3 were when they finished kindergarten. She loves to read, play outside, and watch her “movies” which are really nothing but educational or morals videos. She loves Bible school and has been memorizing verses for over a year now. I know that the home schooling and not sending her to public pre-school is why she gets along so much better than the other 3. (yes she would have had the same teachers as 2 of the older kids if she went to pre-school) The moral of my story? Don’t let anyone tell you that your doing a dis-service to your children for keeping them home and teaching them there. They will end up smarter, more well adjusted, have better work habits & ethics, and better relationships than any child who has gone to public schools.
My brother and I are 6 years apart and he was sickly until he was almost a teen. I would lead him around by the ear as a child and was a tough task master. When I started working as a teen I would spoil him. When he married 14 years ago his wife drove a wedge between us. 2 years ago they divoriced and now we are close again, so much so that when he goes on vacation he is having me look after his motorcycle. (no one touchs his bike!) I thank God I have my brother back I really missed him that 12 years.
Mary Mullenix
Hi Cindy,
We have our days of great friendship and days of great enemies. Mostly, we’re all friends. I try to keep us home quite a bit, rather than running hither and yon, which in many ways forces the children to work together and appreciate each other. When we do visit with friends, everyone still plays together in larger groups, because our friends are like-minded and believe siblings should be friends with each other. Sometimes, however, all this togetherness can lead to frustration and lashing out. When that happens, I enforce a separation between the quarreling parties. I also speak to them individually, so that they each understand where the other person was coming from and why they got into the argument to begin with.
I think developing a sense of empathy in children is extremely important. I have one special needs child who is quite often the instigator in many fights. As well as working with him to see a better way to deal with his frustrations, I also help his brothers and sisters see what caused the argument, why he reacted the way he did, and how to prevent future difficulties.
I once told my oldest son (age 13), that God gave him a big family (6 brothers and sisters) so that some day, when he is all grown up and moved away, working hard at life, he will have dealt with nearly every personality under the sun and will know how to work with each one.
All my hard work, love, and refereeing has paid off, thus far. When I told the children that their seventh brother or sister was on the way, I was rather concerned about oldest son’s reaction. He has a lot of responsibility for helping me on his shoulders, and I hoped he would be happy. When I told them, he had tears in his eyes. But they were tears of joy! When I told him my concerns, he said, “Mom, I LOVE all my little brothers and sisters! I’m so happy I’m going to have another one!” That made my heart smile! 🙂
Have a wonderful day.
Barbie McNutt
I am always worried about my kids getting along. They seem to fight so often! I know they love each other but we are working real hard on showing that love for each other.
On perfect days they work together, share and have such kind words to say to each other. But…. on other days! I would love to hear the keys to getting along all the time.
I do think that spending time together is the best thing for them to bond and form those important relationships. I have been showing my children with scripture to remind them to love each other is showing our love for Christ. Until we can switch our thoughts from self to God they can not fully understand how to deal with the daily challenge of getting along.
I find to that my attitude and responce is the foundation of our day. When I am quick to snap or yell, so are they. I need to work first on my selflessness before I can expect my children to respond in love! (I always comes back to me).
My other key is to work consistently with them and disciple them on a day to day basis.
I can ‘t wait to read what others have said to this question!
Bahama Blessings
Heidi Jo
I remember the “secret” my Daddy shared with me on halting all Sibling Rivalry, “Have only one Child”. Well, since that piece of advice is 5 children too late for me, I had to come up with my own realistic solutions over the years to keep my sanity.
To curb sibling rivalry in my household I try to incorporate as much family group play as possible. Meaning, if another child from a different family wishes to play with one of my children, my child knows that ALL her siblings have to be allowed to play along side of them. There are usually enough kids around to start a good soccer or baseball game or even a game of tag or Frisbee. It is pretty easy to keep this “rule” of play for my kids as most other families in our church also have this “law” set.
As far as the bickering aspect of sibling rivalry, I never ask that the children just stop or “cut it out”. I believe that they are bickering for a reason. Now, that reason may be something as harsh as a child saying something offensive or off color to their sibling and really hurting their insides, or simply the children are over tired and cranky.
Whatever the reason it needs to be brought to the surface and dealt with. If my children can’t speak calmly and gently to each other while resolving their conflicts at home, how can I expect them to conduct that type of behavior with complete strangers in the workplace as they get older?
When the bickering starts, I simply ask the guilty parties if this is an issue that they can resolve themselves or if they need me to intervene to assist in solving the problem with them. About 90% of the time my question is answered immediatly with, “Oh, yes Mom. We can talk it out ourselves, nevermind.” (As my dear children have learned what happens when mom does get involved)
If the bickering does esclate or can’t be resloved quietly and camly between the individuals, I intervine with the very first step being a “chill-out time” for everyone invloved. This “chill-out time” consists of 10-30 minutes (depending on how high the emotions are rolling and how long it will take to get everyone involved to a calm talking level) of the children standing against a wall in the living room.
Then we are all more calm to discuss what happened. I let everyone have their fair share of the speaking floor to be heard. I let the children answer why their actions or sharp words were wrong & what they should have done instead. We sometimes go to the Bible to see what Scripture has to say about a particuliar subject. The bickerings are usually deesclated by this point & the kids come to their own conclusion, with my supervision, on what to do to rectify the problem.
When the rivarly starts to get physical like hitting, elbowing,pushing or any other physical harm has been done, we take a slighlty different approach. The first step, however, is always the “chill-out time” for 10-30 minutes against the wall to calm everyone down. Ususally this mom needs a time-out as well before I start handing out violations. When the “chill-out” time is over, the individuals involved are to sit “Indian Style” on the floor holding each other’s hand for an additional 10 minutes. (By the way, all of my times start only when the child is done crying and fussing and sitting/standing still like nice young ladies or gentlemen.)
Other ideas that we have used to keep the rivarly to a dull roar are..
* writing apology notes to one another
* seeking out Scripture and what the Lord has to say about loving and caring for one another
* possible copy-work may be involved in copying the specific vs of the Bible that relate to our situation at hand
* for every 1 rude or nasty comment made to someone, the speaker is to state 3 nice compliments to that person ( looking them in the eye and it must be sincere) this aproach has lead to bouts of laughter by both children as I have had to have the speaker repeat the comment until it was nice and sencere sounding.
* for every 1 mean action or thing done to wrong their siblings, the wrong-doer must do 3 nice and loving things for that sibling. Example: make their bed, fold their laundry, make them hot cocoa… this is where the kids are encouraged to use their imigination on serving one another. Just as Jesus’s example in serving while washing the disiples feet in John 13.
* when one sibling is hurting or upset, (if the child wishes) we sit on the couch and pray for her. Lifting each other up in prayer has been such a positive experience for us all
To encourage developing close relationships in my children, I have my 13 yr “teach” phonics to my 5 & 7yrs, my 11 yr. review simple math (play flash card games) and my 10 yr encourage arts and crafts with the younger ones.
We also impliment family game night once a month.
I beleive in dealing with sibling rivalry in these ways, we are encouraging sibling loyality and (hopefully) we are assisting in the sibling bonding process for their adult life.
Thank you all for the wonderful ideas and I look forward to learning so much more through y’all and Cindy!
God Bless!
Gail
There have been arguments between some from time to time, but they have not lasted long.
But true sibling rivalry has been minimal.
I have 3 daughters, 26, 17, and 14. The younger 2 have always looked up to their siser who is now married.
The 26 yo has made a point to treasure her 2 younger sisters by investing in them through counsel, special times together and even special Christmas gifts that they call “sister gifts” that the boys are not included in.
The girls and I try to have our girl time. Even soaking our feet in the tub together and talk. (learned that one from Beth Moore)
The boys on the other hand love to play together through baseball, football, frisbee golf, fishing and the like. Oh and they can fight it out, but at the end of the “game” they have worked it out.
Dave, dh, just got back with all the boys and 1 son in law from a weekend get away just for the boys (there were 11 of them).
They spent their 2 days fishing, playing chess, throwing the football around and talking and talking.
This does seem to help keep everyone on somewhat the same page.
Well this is something we are currently working on. There seems to be the constant bickering at home but I am always pleasantly pleased when we are out and they will defend each other instinctively on an immediate basis. So I am left confused on whether they are friends or not! It seems at home they get on each others nerves and wind each other up constantly all day long. When they are out of the house they will immediately jump to the other’s aid.
So I am lost on this weeks homework, as I can’t seem to thinnk of anyhting to say as I am always wondering if they will be friends when they are older.
This is a hard topic for me and I do hope that they will be friends in the future, but with all the bickering I do worry.
A topic we need to work harder on and I need to work harder at being consisitent in dealing with this topic.
Hugs
Cherie
This is something that seems like it is a constant concern. I have prayed for a long time that my children will be best friends like Jonathan and David in the Bible. Some days it seems like I see this happening, but other days I want to pull my hair out and give up. I try to handle it biblically with scripture.
I have to agree with Heidi Jo and say that on the days when I am calm and my tone is calmer things seem to go better. My example seems to make a bigger difference. Also, having a good time quiet time with the Lord makes a huge difference in how I handle these situations when they come up.
One thing that has encouraged me in this area lately is Ginger Plowman’s book, don’t make me count to three. I heard about this book during one of the back to school blast talks and I read it. It was so encouraging. I highly recommend this book. Also, Ginger has a resource called Wise Words for Moms that is in calendar form with scriptures and questions for the various discipline issues we encounter with our children.
Karie Preston
We haven’t thus far had any problems with sibling rivalry. Our children are pretty close age wise–11/00,12/02,6/04,12/05,12/07. They all play pretty well together. The only squabbles have been more of the age related ‘mine’ sort of thing. Any gifts they receive get to be theirs until the newness is gone, then it is shared. They usually share willingly and without our saying to do so. If a child seems to need some extra attention, they get me for an afternoon while the rest have quiet time. I don’t have a set routine or schedule for this, just whenever it seems necessary. They are very protective of each other to others. The only regular time they are around other children is at church where they each have their own Sunday school class. They haven’t had much exposure to name calling, etc. so we haven’t had problems with that. I hope they remain as close as they seem to be now. Both mine and my husband’s extended families are close. My family is probably closer than his–we get together with my dad & his siblings & their families 4 or more times per year. My husband is also emphasizing to them that our family is like a team and that we all stick together and be dependable and encouraging to each other.
Hillary Moore
My two daughters are ten years apart, one is 5, the other 15. We do not have any obvious sibling rivalry as my dd5 looks at dd15 as almost another grownup. She doesn’t expect to receive the same things or to do the same things as dd15. Likewise dd15 knows (and accepts) that dd5 gets to do things and will receive things that dd15 does not get to do or receive. Occasionally dd15 will gripe about dd5 (and she is right, dd5 is kind of spoiled), but I have asked her to come to me and let’s talk abut it instead of saying it in front of dd5. That has really helped cut down on insults and whining in our house.
To keep them close, I praise them for times they show kindness to each other. Also, occasionally one of them and I will make or do something special for the other one as a surprise. Nothing major, it has been as simple as getting a monkey sticker for dd15 (she is crazy about monkeys!) from the bank (or the dollar store). DD15 has caught butterflies for dd5 to see (dd5 loves butterflies, but is afraid to catch them herself). We praise and encourage acts of selflessness toward anyone. When we tell stories, we weave their kindnesses into the stories.
The last thing I want to mention is that I do my best not to take advantage of dd15. She is old enough and is a very convenient and capable babysitter, and it very enticing to use her services whenever I want a break or need to run an errand. I have had to train myself to ask her first, not to just assume she will, and I usually either pay her for her services (she is inexpensive), or offer her other incentives. (like extra computer time, having a friend over after church on Sunday, extra “credit” in her account) She does watch her for free a lot too, espcecially if they are playing something together. The point is that I do not take advantage of her.
I am very blessed to have sweet girls that love each other so much and I do pray that God will guide me in strengthening their relationship.
What great responses you all have! I really look forward to gleaning from your wisdom!
This is an area of great challenge for me and so it is also for my kids. We have six children at home right now, 19, 16, 8, 6, 4, and 2. Then we have three grown children 28, 27, and 26 and three grandchildren, soon to be four!
We’re a blended family. Some are his, some are mine, some are homegrown and some are handpicked. And we dearly love them all and try to be as fair as possible though its not always easy.
We face special challenges with the large gaps in ages and some of our grandchildren are as old as some of our younger children. I just tell people that God doesn’t intend for us to have an empty nest because every time I think I see it on the horizon He blesses us with more children 😀
Our older boys 28 and 26 have a great friendship and are extremely loyal to each other though not brothers by blood. They spend a good deal of time together and are fiercely protective of their teenage sisters 😀 They are also good with the youngest children, careful not to show favoritism and give each one their attention.
Our most difficult situation is with our 19 and 16 year old dear daughters. The younger doesn’t think its fair for the older to have more privleges, though we’ve talked about it many times. My 16 yo dd’s heart is so heavy and I find myself so frustrated. She is sometimes so full of envy and covetousness and anger it is very painful! She has asked many times to go back to public school. And almost always my pride answers first! So, I’m confessing and repenting here…I want to respond to her with the love of Christ, not my own selfish pride!
She is really a very sweet girl and I don’t want to lose her heart! I just pray that the Lord will show me how to minister to her and show me what changes I need to make in my own heart and the strength to see it through.
My four youngest children get along well most of the time. They have their squabbles, but as someone mentioned earlier, they get over it very quickly, unlike mama, and move on to something else.
They have “right” of ownership over their own toys, so that if someone takes something that belongs to someone else, the “owner” gets it back, if they want it. I had my doubts about this rule at first, but it has been working well and establishing a respect for other’s possessions. They’ve learned that if they want others to share then they also need to share. This has proven to be a practical lesson on the “golden” rule.
Lastly, I believe, that, as Cindy mentions so often in her writing, making sweet memories with our children is extremely important and will help them be best friends! I don’t think it has to be something extravagant or expensive, it may even seem to be something insignificant, just everyday events and adds a new twist to “teachable” moments.
Blessings,
Lisa Sims
My kids,boy5yo and girl2yo, amaze me. One minute they can be loving each other kissing booboo’s and the oldest instructing the other “Don’t go outside without mommy or daddy, you could get hurt” in such a sweet voice. The next minute they are pinching and biting and hitting one another and of course screaming at each other(you know who they took lessons from-the screaming). So, sibling rivalry or friendship, I know mine are still little so I haven’t experienced alot, but I think it can be both. The Lord has dealt more with my selfishness and still is. So many things I never thought I would do as a mother and it hurts to know that I have been the yelling, gripey mother. Praying daily for instruction to say and discipline the way the Lord wants us too.
I know God has changed me and I know the kids will see and have seen the changes to being more like Christ.
Someone told me “The days are long but the years are short” and how true this is and this has stuck with me and has made me think before I say something I regret.
To eliminate rivalry, we do a lot of things together as a family. We have a mother daughter tea or game night every week and every Friday night we have a mother daughter sleep over in the family room. We all stay up late and watch movies or play games, again. We love board games.
Fortunately our girls are very close, even though they are five years apart. But that’s not to say that they don’t have their moments. Something I’ve done since they were little that always seems to work well is I have them sit feet to feet (with their feet stretched out and touching), then they have to look at each other and say “I love you and I’m so blessed that God chose you to be my sister.” It ends up every time with two young ladies laughing and playing together once again! :0)
Kim Lottman
It is very important to me that my two kids are best friends. My siblings and i hated each other, really. Now it is not so bad, bad I don’t have any memories, good ones at least, with my siblings. I want my kids to have fond memories with each other. I like to get them to do fun things together, so that they can enjoy eachother and see that they can have fun with eachoter. They love to go on bug/butterfly hunts together. They seem to fight a lot so I try to get them having fun together.
Also, you can let the older one help teach or read to the littler ones.
Try to have everyone pitching in so that the olders don’t feel resentful of the litler ones. Even though they can’t do as much, if the olders see the pitching in, it makes a difference.
Sometimes when they are fighting I have the older one look at the littler one and say “How can you stay mad at this cute little face” and they start laughing.
I think trying to amke memories with eachother and the family is an important key.
Rodna James
I try to encourage my kids to get along. Some rivalry I believe is normal though. Doing things as a family often, helps. We are a blended family and I believe it is harder for step families to get along. It is a work in progress. But, with God and love we will persevere.
Donna Scott
Our daughters’ ages are 9, 5, 3.5, and 12.5 months. One thing that we do to encourage them to care for one another is to limit thier time with friends. They have friends, but the majority of thier time is spent playing with each other. We constantly tell them how nice it is to have each other to play with every day. We encourage them to serve one another. We give them each the responsibility of taking care of the younger ones and give them freedom to do so when possible.
We don’t really have sibling rivalry…no one is jealous of the other. All their things are grouped in together, so we rarely hear “that’s mine!” Now they do argue over things, but we try to teach them selflessness and considering the other when there is a specific toy that is the object of everyone’s affection. If the problem cannot be solved (which is rare) we remove the toy and explain to them that no toy is worth hurting the other’s feelings or damaging the relationship. Sisters are always more important that things!
We also never waste our time with “time outs” or counting. We expect immediate obedience from the girls at all times. (my 3.5 year old is still learning this lesson) If they are arguing, we make them stop and try to work out the problem without getting angry or weepy. It usually works, but when it doesn’t I make the decisions for them.
I sometimes forget how blessed we are to have such sweet, obedient girls…but all I have to do is spend time with other families to really appreciate my girls!!
I don’t have a long dawn out answer. I never really thought about sibling rivalry. I guess I never give it the chance to fester.
I chose to homeschool so my 8 yo would have less influence of same age peers. I am very picky about who our friends are, and there are weeks we only get to see friends at church.
My girls (8 and 4) share one room, one dresser, one closet. They do have 1 shelf for their individual books and toys, but everything else in the room is shared except for their own bunk. We’re startingto run into my 8 yo wants privacy and quiet time. So I told her if she wants privacy to change, then she can change in the bathroom, and her quiet time and place can be in her bed during nap time. We don’t have a bid house so I can’t offer her another place to sit and read unless it’s outside.
We go to church every chance we get. We speak the word of God over them every day. When I find scripture regarding friendships or whatever I like to personalize them for each of my children. Our girls learn a lot about God from our church’s Children’s ministry. And we try to live a lifestyle of faith, and not by what rear or our circumstances are telling us.
I have to tell you this story… this week Joelle(my 4 yo) has been running a low to mid grade fever for several days. I made an appointment for Friday (today) to take her to the dr and get checked out. All week I prayed over her, spoke the word of God regarding her healing, and attended to my faith by finding new scripture on healing. And when she got uncomfortable, I gave her tylenol.
Well, yesterday (Thursday), she woke up from her nap screaming, and crying, and her fever had spiked to 105. I called the Dr and told them Iwas bringing her in, fully expecting to be admiting her to the hospital for some reason. I threw a diaper bag together, and ran stuff to the car. I came inside and went to the bedroom to wake up my baby and put her in the car, and while I’m in my room I start hearing Jordan talking. I can’t really hear what she’s saying , I just assumed she was trying to play with Joelle and get her to cheer up.
When I walked into the living room, I had to stop… Jordan (my 8 yo) was standing over Joelle, praying, and laying hands on her. She wasn’t praying just a typical kids prayer… she was praying the Word of God! Thanking God that she would lay hands on the sick and they would recover, that Joelle was blessed because of what Jesus did for her, that all her needs were met according to the riches of His glory, that Joelle is healed by the stripes of Jesus, etc… I was stunned, and I started crying.
It was just a moment confirming that even though I feel like I fail at raising my daughters, that I am doing the right thing and they are being brought up in the love of God for each other.
I took Joelle to the Dr. and she started to improve right away, so the dr drew some blood for tests and sent us home with antibiotics.
Our children all love each other. I don’t really know how it happened, but I guess it’s just how we raised them and expect them to be.
And they love each other even when I’m not in the room 😉
This is an area we have and still are struggling with in our family. I was an only child who always desperately wanted a sibling but never experienced what it was like to be one of many. My husband grew up in a family with one brother and there was some pretty intense rivalry between them — much of it expressed physically. To this day he & his brother have only a superficial relationship even though they live only ten minutes away.
I want more for our children. I WANT them to have vibrant, close relationships as they grow, and especially as adults. But right now, some days I feel as though I’m living in a war zone — and dh just tells me it’s normal! I’ve got one child (dd11, 2nd oldest) who seems to feel her sole purpose in life is to crank up her siblings!
One thing I do try to do is to focus on each child’s individual needs and not try to make everything equal at any one given time. Sometimes I joke that I must be doing a decent job at balancing things because they ALL think I treat the others better .
Another thing I try to do is to help them understand that God has placed them in THIS family, with THESE siblings, for a purpose. They may not get it right now, but God has a plan for their lives that includes each member of our family!
I wish I had more suggestions/ideas but the reality is that I need to read these more than write.
Cari
Wow! This is tough.
We had terrible sibling rivalry growing up – mostly due to the home situation I guess and where priorities were allowed to be place.
Anyway – as a result my dh and I have been very clear from before we had our children how we wanted to have our children treat each other.
We believe that God placed us together as a family – and as such that must and has to come first. Before friends, before other families and before extended family. We have always encouraged each of them in positive ways to included their siblings in play if anyone else is visiting.
To make sure their siblings are looked after first etc etc – though not at the cost of guest hospitality – it is a fine line there.
It is sometimes difficult as each child is an individual – and that seems to be the way to look at it. Each have their own feelings and those are valid. But at the same time we want them to behave and react the way Christ would…which is to place others first.
For me taking the selfishness of “I” out of the equation has helped to deal with the sibling rivalry issue. If they learn to put the others feeling ahead of themselves it makes it hard to be rivals.
Time out one on one with each, making sure that they all feel treated fairly in their “love language” works to keep them happy. Then they are not so liable to feel hard done by or unloved, leaving less likelihood of those rival type feelings.
Including them in on doing things for the others – making it a pleasure to see that child blessed rather than jealous.
Lots of prayer!!!
We are also in a situation where there are not a lot of children around whom they could associate with that would draw them away form the relationships they have developed with their best friends – their brothers and sisters.
The couple of years our oldest two were in school ruined their relationship due to the peer group pressure on my oldest to “leave his sister alone”, even when she was hurt.
Praise the Lord. 5 years out of school and they are finally back to being the best of friends again.
It is such a pleasure too!
SO if I can encourage anyone – keep on working at it, encouraging and praying with and for them through till they get it!
One of my favorite resources for advice on sibling rivalry that I have learned so much from is “Say Goodbye to Whining” by Scott Turansky. Much of what I’m about to say is taken from that book, and it has really changed how we proactively deal with conflict in our home. It is well worth a read if you struggle in this area. I know this is a long post, but I just completed leading a study of this book, and I learned SO much.
One of the greatest sources of frustration in my home is sibling conflict. I often feel overwhelmed by the continual teasing, put-downs, sarcasm, bickering, bossiness, tattling, temper flare-ups, meanness and on and on. I have six kiddos that are 10 years apart top to bottom, and some days, they can really get it going.
I have observed that we as parents generally have one of three reactions to sibling conflict. Some of us think that if we ignore the problem it will go away. Or, some of us believe that the solution to arguing and bickering is to allow children to “fight it out.” Others of us choose to separate them and try to keep them apart in order to maintain peace. We imitate a referee at a boxing match, breaking up the conflict and sending the fighters to their opposite corners. Unfortunately, continually separating children doesn’t solve the problem either. In fact, the children often come back again to fight some more.
None of these solutions are adequate because they lack the depth needed to bring about lasting heart change. When we only separate the offenders or walk away, we miss valuable opportunities to help our children grow. Conflict with brothers and sisters is a child’s first class in relationships. Each conflict situation becomes an opportunity for teaching children how to get along and honor others.
God created the family as a place to learn and grow. Within the family, children can learn to treat others with kindness and to respond in a healthy way to unfairness or perceived injustice. They can learn to tolerate irritations, manage their anger, and work closely with people who are different. Addressing sibling conflict isn’t easy, but the work you do now will not only make family life more peaceful, it will help your children develop adult skills that will assist them for the rest of their lives.
The secret to family harmony is to teach your children to honor each other, but that’s not easy. The first task is to help children recognize anger before they blow up. There are, however, in all of us early warning signs that anger is developing. Sitting down with a child, brainstorming about early warning signs, and being transparent about your anger management can all contribute to a child’s growing ability to recognize anger.
Once a person can see anger coming, the next step is to stop and settle down. If the irritation is just at a frustration level, such as when your view of the TV is blocked by someone, then a deep breath may be all you need. If the anger has become more intense, such as when the baby spills apple juice on some homework, the way to stop it may be to walk away for a few minutes. Sometimes children and adults become enraged, that is, they can no longer think rationally. The anger is controlling them. If this is true, they need a larger stop or break. The child or adult must get away, settle down, and then come back to discuss the situation.
After the child takes a break and settles down, a debriefing is essential. In a non-accusing way, ask questions such as, “What did you do wrong?” and “What are you going to do differently next time?” Having a discussion around these questions will help children see the problem and know how to make appropriate changes.
A second major cause of sibling conflict is selfishness, always wanting to be first or best. Children are usually self-centered and demonstrate this in various ways: boasting and envy (wanting the biggest piece, being first, or wanting the best seat are all examples of this).
One way to help children develop a servant attitude is you teach them that fair doesn’t mean equal. Every parent had heard “That’s not fair!” The basis for this statement is comparison. Children who rely on comparison to feel good about themselves often end up in conflict. They want to have what others have. They think they wanted to be treated the same as everyone else, but what they really want is to feel special.
Rather than trying to treat children as equals, it’s better to treat each child as unique. Each of your children is very different, so why try to teach each the same? They have different gifts and needs. Treat children according to their own uniqueness. Treating children as individuals and telling them up front that they will not be treated equally can help reduce some of the comparison in a family.
Boasting is another demonstration of selfishness. “I know how to do that.” “I can do that better than you.” Children try to feel good by exalting themselves. They seem to say, “I can feel good about myself when I tell you how much better I am. ” Sometimes children think that because they did it faster or neater, they’re more valuable. That’s not the way God looks at them. Children must learn not to compete with others but to do the best job they can, not comparing themselves with others but to working toward standards and goals appropriate for them.
Teach your children an attitude of servanthood by teaching them how to listen. Listening isn’t easy. Children interrupt, yell, and talk over other people, resulting in misunderstanding. Teaching children to affirm others before telling them their own story is another important way for children to honor each other. Encourage children to say, “I agree,” or “You’re right,” rather than, “I know!” Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down.
Foolishness is the third roadblock that causes sibling conflict and hinders harmony in a family. Foolishness is acting before thinking, laughing at others, or acting without considering the consequences. Children often act foolishly, not thinking of how their actions might hurt someone else. Foolish children don’t take responsibility for their actions. “I was just playing,” “He hit me first,” and “She started it” are common excuses for hurtful behavior. Blaming is the opposite of taking responsibility. Blaming is a sign of foolishness.
Teaching children to take responsibility is the first step toward empowering them to change. One way to do this is to ask the child, “What did you do wrong?” as part of the discipline process. Ask this in an encouraging and helpful way, with emphasis on learning from mistakes. No matter what others have done, children are responsible for their own actions; the sooner they learn that, the better. Blaming others is never a wise response. Having children say what they did wrong teaches them to take responsibility for their actions.
Teasing is a common area where foolishness turns into conflict. Although many teasing games start out fun, one child usually wants to stop before the other, resulting in conflict. One solution is to implement a “Stop Rule” that allows any child to end a teasing game by saying, “Stop.” Even a parent, when tickling or teasing must also obey the Stop Rule, demonstrating to children the importance of their words. If a child says, “Stop,” but the teasing continues, the child needs to be able to appeal to a parent who will enforce the rules.
Children can be downright mean to one another. In fact, unmonitored sibling conflict can turn into habits of meanness rather quickly. Some advice suggests that parents get out of the way when children argue and let them work things out themselves. Although this can be helpful there’s a point at which parents must step in. Otherwise some children become resentful, and others develop habits of meanness. Sometimes, just like in a ball game, kids need a parent to step in as an “umpire” and enforce fair play. Conflict resolution is a skill, and sometimes we need to help facilitate as our children learn to use that skill effectively.
Sibling rivalry and disharmony have been occurring for generations…..just remember Jacob and Esau! But time spent concentrating on this now will yield great rewards later. Your children will benefit tremendously. When you show them how to honor each other, you’re giving them a valuable gift. After all, they’ll be relating to people all their lives.
We have six children ages 17 (twins) all the way down to 2, so we have a wide variety of relationships and dynamics going on. It’s almost like having three different ‘sets’ of children. The oldest are very maternal with the two little ones, and the middles are very competitive with each other. It can get complicated at times, and often the middles don’t understand why the older girls have more/different privileges…but the girls also have more responsibilities that ‘earn’ those rights and privileges….plus they ARE almost six years older than the number 3 child! But it can still be a fine balancing act at times! LOL
Mainly we try to foster the ‘family spirit’ and encourage the ‘all for one, one for all’ idea! Plus we constantly try to remember biblical teaching and truth on relationships. And it’s like my mama used to tell my older sister and me…you better learn how to get along, because one day you might just have ONLY each other!
I know there are ways to encourage our children to get along, but I think it really comes down to learning to put others first and having a servant’s heart. It’s dying to self! As parents we can instruct our children in God’s ways for their relationships and we can pray FOR them and WITH them that they will learn not only to really love each other but to LIKE each other as well.
God bless,
Amy O.
Sibling Rivalry or Friendships? I don’s know if it is because my kids are 7, 5, and 3 or what, but I really haven’t run into the rivalry thing yet. My 5yo son has a competative streak, where he injects “I won” or “Me first” often, but at this point when we play games, we always have a first, second, and third place, and everyone is good with that. Also, since I was pregnant with our first, I have prayed dillegently that our children, however many we have, will be the best of friends. This is so very important to me! I still am not very close with my younger brother, much to my regret. One of the many reasons that we homeschool is so our kids will be the best of friends. I can’t imagine that this would be possible if they were gone in different classrooms everyday. They do fight, but what good friends don’t from time to time. They generally treat eachother with love and respect. My husband and I are training them in how to treat eachother as the Bible directs, and will not tollerate meaness and name calling. We are also all about conflict resolution, and are training our kids in that. We are so blessed, and I pray that these relationships will continue to grow through the years.
Oh, this is a tender subject here at this point in time. My children have always had a close relationship….until we allowed our oldest at home to begin working at a nearby equestrian center. She is drifting further and further from the family, and it seems that more rivalry is sneaking in.
I find that the rivalry settles down when we do what the kids call “together time”. Basically, on a rotating schedule, we each spend time with one person each day, playing games, talking, cooking, whatever. This time can last anywhere from a half hour to two hours and the kids really look forward to it.
I have also found that the more family reading time we have, the better. We have also incorporated more Bible study time together each day.
Vicki
I have three girls ages 9, 7, and 3. The oldest two play really well together, but they do have their moments, of course. We talk about controlling our tongue and being respectful as the Bible teaches. The youngest is just now getting old enough to learn to respect the things and feelings of the older two, so they are starting to allow her to play with them more. I encourage the older two to help teach the youngest one with love and gentleness.
My goal has always been not to emphasis any one thing about any of the girls, but to try to encourage them all in all things. We don’t have a ‘Daddy’s girl’ or ‘Mommy’s girl’, because I want the girls to feel equally loved by both of their parents. We also don’t have an ‘artist’ of the family, etc., because I want them all to try everything and not feel that one has that spot taken.
When they ask for special things, like to all sleep in the same room together, as they did tonight, I let them. I like to encourage them to do special things together.
I give them quite a bit of free time to play together and we are fairly remote from other families and have few regular outside activities,so I think that helps them focus on their friendships with each other, too.
We are very blessed to have the opportunity to homeschool and to develop the closeness that we have as a family. The Lord is the only one responsible for that!
Jill
I loved your idea of praying for your children when they were little to get along. I have just started doing that.
How do you deal with sibling rivalry?
We have three little ones and it really seems to be a problem lately. I think this relates to the fact that I have been very sick and even hospitalized and they are afraid and unsure.
We in all our discipline and child rearing try to use the Bible. We have covered the story of Cain and Abel so many times it seems impossible for them not to know each word.
We also use Jesus words in the new testament about loving and having aught against a brother/sister.
This has worked for us up until now as I shared above.
How do you encourage sibling loyalty?
We use the reward system. Not bribery but rewards for exhibiting kindness, caring and thoughtfulness to each other. It could be a treat, a special item or an outing.
How do you help your children to develop close relationships?
Prayer and we try to model this ourselves with our siblings and friends.
How do you help your children to become and stay close through the years?
Prayer and by teaching it by living it.
Melissa Waters