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Love ya!
Cindy
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Well, it’s been a long time since I have written for Mommy Homework but, this caught my attention.
For Elizabeth and Howard, Congratulations on your marriage.
Marriage is a beautiful thing God created but, the first year can be hard just because you are transitioning from a life lived with parents or alone and now you have a new way a living. I can’t really give too much advice because I did not come from a family with such a great heritage. Advice that was given to me I will give to you — do not go to bed with unforgiveness for the other in your heart.
I have only one other thing—when you have children, do not– let me say it differently –I suggest that you do not let your children sleep in your bed and and stay there because they will never want to leave!!! your bed but your husband will have to go sleep in another bedroom so that he can sleep so he can work. Our marriage is to our husband our children are for us to raise with Gods leading and then our children leave the home. So, always keep you and your husband first after God and then the children. Know how important that is.
I know you have good examples for parents and you all, we all have learning experiences from the Lord. I pray blessings for you two.
Sincerely
Jessica Abel
Congratulations on starting on your new path in life! Marriage is such an exciting journey! I wish I had understood what the journey entailed when I first got married. I think I believed that the wedding was the destination. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The wedding is the beginning, and the marriage is the journey. It’s not always an easy journey. It requires work, and a lot of it. You can only take out of it what you put into it. A marriage needs radical commitment, radical grace, and radical forgiveness. The most important thing, I believe, is to realize that love has never been, and will never be, a feeling. Those warm fuzzy feelings aren’t always there, and you need that “radicalness” to continue in your walk with your life partner.
Congratulations!
I want to share one of my favorite scriptures Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (MKJV): Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor.
Ecc 4:10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he does not have another to help him.
Ecc 4:11 Again, if two lie together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone?
Ecc 4:12 And if one overthrows him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Most important is the 3-fold cord, you, your husband, and God; if any part is missing the rope isn’t as strong. Always remember that your vows before God built that cord and vows are serious business.
Your mom mentioned that your husband was your best friend first, which is so important. When you have a problem with your best friend, you fix it and move on, because you love your friend. Even more so with your husband. Fix it and move on, and love your husband.
Always be encouraging and supportive, even when you may have doubts or disagree. There are enough things in this world to tear a man down, it should never occur in his home. Make your home your haven from the world, a shelter and safe place. This may be more difficult with the transient nature of the military, but even simple traditions like having tea or coffee in your favorite mugs and sharing your day after work can be stabilizing.
Last one (I think), remember he isn’t a mind reader (most men aren’t). If you say nothing is wrong and hope that he’ll figure by your tone and sigh that something is wrong, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Say it flat out; if you’re really upset and need time to get your words together, you can you need to get it together before you discuss it. Don’t let him catch heat because he’s the one that is there at the end of a bad day.
Remember how you felt when he proposed and remember how you felt on your wedding day.
Many Blessings
Davette Brown
ps: I do believe in cosleeping – at least until a child is weaned; the 2 & 4 a.m. feedings are much easier that way :o)
Congratulations on such a wonderful blessing! There are two things i wish i had known. 1 love is a choice. Everyday you have to make the choice to love and to be loved. 2 the things that you think are so wonderful now will probably irritate you one day so try to keep that in mind and keep thinking it is cute. The one thing I think is very important to do is talk! Go ahead and discuss things like who will change diapers when. What your roles are. Setting boundaries and expectations now (adjust as you go) so that you both agree can help you avoid some common bumps in your life together. There are things my hubby and I have never augured over as many do simply because we set it up on the first day. Some of the most simple stuff like where the dirty clothes should go or who washes dishes when can cause issues when your stressed out. God bless you both have a great time and enjoy each other all you can.
Congratulations Howard and Elisabeth!!! May you always put God FIRST in your lives and marriage. The most important thing is to keep the communication between the two of you open. Don’t worry about what the other may think when you do tell them something. It is better to have them upset for a few minutes than down the road when everything seems to fall apart because it wasn’t approached. I think the hardest thing to deal with is money. Remember that you have become a unit but you do have different desires. We have learned over the years that if we discuss finances, even tho’ I don’t like to, it is easier to make sure we aren’t over spending.
Howard remember that you are the “head of the home” but that doesn’t make Elisabeth a servant. You are equal in decision making but he should be open to listen to what you have to say before the final decision is made.
As long as God is first place in your life you will see Him help you through the difficult times. Yes, there are many joys in starting out and having those little ones, but there are those down days to. Just remember that your love is there for each other when the down days hit.
Again our prayers are with you as you start out on this awesome journey.
Orilla Crider
I am so happy for you Elisabeth and Howard! I pray that the both of you always keep Christ in the middle, because if you both love Him with all your hearts, minds and souls, the more you reach for Him, the more you will reach each other! I don’t have any words of advice per say, I don’t feel qualified to do that, as I was not a christian during my first marriage, but I am one now during my second marriage and I can tell you that Christ makes it different. You will have a different relationship as long as God remains in your marriage! He is the only one that can help you have a forever marriage!! I know it will be hard to be away from Momma, but I think you have such a good head on your shoulders and you will flourish wherever you are! You will love South Dakota, you will see God’s beauty, I can promise you that. (I am partial to that area!!) I know it gets cold, but all the better to snuggle with Howard! Have a wonderful, blessed marriage. We will have to do lunch when I go and visit MY momma!! I will be praying for you!!
Kelly Smith 🙂
HI Elizabeth,
Congratulations and May our Lord give you both grace to live out a marriage that reflects the beauty and wonder of Christ’s relationship with the church. It’s a mind boggling thought isn’t it! One thought I have for you, which I know you know, but is easy to forget sometimes, is that you can’t do it. No matter how wonderful your mum and dad have been at modelling a great marriage, no matter how many wonderful books and great talks you take in, no matter how much “good advice” you get, you can’t do it. You are a sinner and so is he – so you will fail, and if you are anything like me, you’ll actually fail quite a lot! 🙂 But never let that lead you to dispair or discouragement. Never let pride take failure and lead you away from your man. God gives grace to the humble! (Praise the Lord for that!). So, my advice is, be faithful, honour the Lord in all you do but WHEN you fail rejoice in the grace he gives you both, in the forgiveness He so freely offers and forgive and seek forgiveness with gratefulness. Enjoy marriage Elizabeth and Howard, the fun bits AND the sanctifying bits!
Ruth van den Brink
Dear Elisabeth,
I have known your mother for several years, so I feel like I have known you for several years as well. I don’t know how I could give you any advice, encouragement, inspiration, that you have not heard from your mom…that you haven’t seen her live out. She has been a mentor for me…so I am sure that as her daughter, you have got her “mentoring” in abundance! 🙂 I do want to tell you a couple of things though. One…something that was shared in a card given to my husband and I on our wedding day…and to be honest, I was so “new” into the Word, that I hadn’t really heard it before… Ecclesiastes 4:12 “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” You could be overpowered…you and Howard can defend yourselves…but you and Howard WITH God is like a cord of THREE strands…you can’t be easily broken! Keep God as the center of your marriage, and you will be able to stand and not be broken…
The other thing that I wanted to share is that as much as you know about Howard (I heard that y’all had been friends for 4 years…what a great start!)…you will always be learning more about him. People told me this when I got married…and although I listened to them, I really didn’t believe it would happen. My husband and I have been married for 9 years now, and I still learn something new about him almost daily. 🙂 We have both lived 20-some years before even meeting one another, so I think it will take us 20 just to catch up to one another! 🙂 Have fun with this…something might come up that surprises you, but you know that God knew it before…and that God still chose Howard for you and you for him!
I am so happy for you! I pray that you and Howard will be blessed in this first year of marriage and in all of the years following!
—Hillary—
Congratulations Elisabeth and Howard! You are beginning a wonderful journey. Here are some ideas that were shared with me 14 years ago when I married my best friend, and a few I’ve picked up along the way!
Put God first in everything you do. God will lead you as a wife, as a husband, as a mother, as a father, as a teacher. Whatever role you take on in your life, walk with God first and you’ll have the wisdom and grace to do what is right in any situation.
Lean on God, not on each other. God is stronger and wiser than you are. God can carry both of you when times get tough. He will give you the strength to be supportive of each other. With God as the foundation of your relationship you’ll each have the strength to be loving, gracious, forgiving, etc. through the good times and the difficult times.
Remember to take time together – no matter how busy you get or how many kids you have. It doesn’t have to be a lavish date night or even going out somewhere. Some of the happiest times I’ve had with my husband were just sitting in the same room together while we did our own work and listened to quiet music. We would look up at each other and smile and just enjoy being together. Sitting and talking over a cup of coffee or tea is a special time to stay connected too. But go out for a nice dinner once in awhile too!
Strive to be gracious in all things, even when, and especially when, you’re angry or frustrated. Don’t keep track of each others’ shortcomings or failings and don’t use them as ammunition when you fight. Always make up and don’t hold grudges.
Hold hands often.
Wishing you love and all good things in your journey together!
Terri Griffin
Congrats! Three strands woven together into one cord. Keep it in mind always. Now that my daughters are getting older I have a new perspective on how people change. You all will not stay the same for the next 60+ years of marriage, individually or as a couple. I wish someone had told me that before I got married. I think people just assume you know that people do not stay the same. The ways you communicate will change as you change and grow. Change means you have to learn and adapt continually. The only good thing about all the change that happens with 2 of the strands is that the one strand stays the same always. You can always go to the Lord when you don’t know how to deal with the latest change. He will answer you and lead you in the right path if you just ask Him. Always keep Him as the center of your personal walk and you corporate family walk.
Heather Wilson
Congratulations Elizabeth and Howard.
What an awesome privilege it is for you to blend your two cultures and marry each other and to have such a good foundation of 4 years of friendship to begin with. At the beginning of my marriage my husband and I adored each other and had loads of fun, once the difficult times arrived it was no longer fun. BUT, we strive to communicate with each other, ask questions about how each other is doing, give each other room to live and be ourselves.
As a wife I have had to learn to hold my tongue and let the Lord teach my husband through his mistakes and not me. This is particularly hard for me if you know me. I have had to work through many difficult situations that way.
In our home we do have arguments many times, and we work them out, sometimes with loud voices but we discuss why we feel a certain way about the situation and listen for the other side too. I do not believe our relationship could be healthy if one person gets their way all the time.
My husband and I do discuss major decisions over purchases for the home and where to go on vacations as then we are in agreement and again one spouse is not always making all the decisions. I read a book many years ago by the most amazing man called Edwin Louis Cole. The title is “Communication, Sex and Money.” If you can find one of these books get it, and dog ear it until the concepts in it are in your life. Marriage is basically founded on these three things Communication , Sex and Money. They are all so important in your relationship but as you can tell which one comes first. In today’s world many people have the sex part coming first, and that is not the glue that will hold you together. That is the sweet stuff that will make your marriage and family a pleasure to live.
Through trials and tragedy in our marriage we have learned to hold on to each other desperately at times and loosely at others.
Howard – please allow Elizabeth time to be with her friends as they will support and encourage her in ways that you are not able to. Allow her time to share her struggles with you even when it is the last thing in the world you want to hear on some days.
Elizabeth – allow Howard time to relax when he returns home from work before you ask him a million questions or share how your day went. Men are not wired to find out that information right away.
Spend as much quality and quantity time with your wonderful children for every day is important to them and not just the holidays! Lead your children, support each other in your parent roles and don’t let your children backchat her or ridicule her. Stand up for each other when someone outside the home is criticizing your spouse.
My husband grew up in a divorced family and it has affected so much of his judgement of people. We are still working hard on this. We have from day one promised to never divorce or to mention the word in our relationship with each other. It is not the Lord’s way. God is good and He will carry you both through the hard times with each other.
Lastly – when you experience grief in your lives allow each other space to grieve. It is the hardest emotion ever. God will hold you during these times if you allow Him to.
Our best wishes to you both and may you experience the Lord’s joy as He rejoices over your union too.
Congrats! This is such an exciting time for you.
I really am not the one to offer advice, but if my mistakes can save you heartache.
I have only began to learn in the last 2-3 years of my 17 yr marriage how to make it work .. Most of the time I forget and go back to my old ways.
I hope it doesn’t take you that long to learn..
I am going to talk to you like you are my best friend, please don’t become offended, I’m going to tell you what God has put on my heart. I’ve thought seriously about this, I don’t what you to make my same mistakes.
CINDY, you can delete this if you feel the need to, but if you do please give it to Elizabeth personally.
The Alpha: Follow God and love him with all of your heart. Even when it is hard, or you don’t want to. Even when you think God just doesn’t understand the hurt you feel. FOLLOW GOD! Its the only way HE can fix the wrong that’s been done.
!. Always be ready to forgive. Forgiving a thousand times a day when things get hard. (It will get hard, but if you don’t have rough times how will you know the really good times?) You might be forgiving for the same offense thousands of times too.
2. Always be ready to ask for forgiveness and say you are sorry.
3. Never yell or rise your voice at each other. It really doesn’t make the other person hear you better 😐 ( I am still working on this one. )
4. There are times when its better if you just shut your mouth. Let him be right if that is what is needed at that moment. You never know he just may be right once you see it through his eyes.
The one who does the most talking is usually wrong and wants to defend herself. :/
When arguing do you really need to be right and win the argument and at what cost. It will slowing cost your marriage. (Again another one I’m guilty of)
5. Don’t refuse his advances or intimate relations without and VERY good reason, ( not your good reason , a good reason that he would give) It will hit him in his ego and cause more damage than a woman could possibly understand. (It takes a great many years and tears to even begin to repair this one) This should BE NUMBER 1.
6. Men are visual creatures. Always have pretty, lacy, frilly, GIRLY undies. Give him sneak peeks every now and then. Take care of yourself, so you keep your confidence in this area high. Take time to whatever you need to feel girly or attractive. Make sure your undies drawer is always full of pretties if they start getting old or blah,,,,,get new ones.( I have a little jar in my drawer that I put all my spare coins in for this sort of purchases only). With your bridal shower you are probably good in this area for a few months to a year. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS ONE! IF YOU DON’T KEEP THIS AREA UP THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF OTHER WOMEN WHO LOVE SHOWING WHAT THEY’VE GOT! THERE ARE ALSO OTHER WOMEN WHO WOULD BE HAPPY TO TAKE OVER THIS AREA FOR YOU.!
7. If and when he starts to complain about something…..just do what it is he’s complaining about. Usually he will stop and be happy again. If its important enough for him to complain or speak up about it really matters to him.
8. Become his friend ( I mean like one of the guys) I know you are his friend but there is a difference between Wife/friend and One of the guys/friend. Learn as much as you can about his hobbies, his interests, any sports he likes. Then you can hang with the best of them and keep up a conversation with him about what he likes. (Don’t lose yourself! Adapt and adjust to him, but stay in your interests too. otherwise you just become clingy and one of the psycho-wifes who wants to control her man. You also will be interesting to him if you keep your interests too, )
9. Study him! Learn about him, What does he like? What makes him tick? Most of this stuff you have already done while dating. Keep doing it, he will change with time and so will you. That is normal expect it. So be prepared to be studying him for the rest of your lives together.
Also while your dating you try to show the best of your self, as if your are trying to sell yourself, once your bought you relax and be yourself again.Don’t take it personal. I have heard many men say they no longer need to be romantic because they already bought the wife and there is no need to continue selling himself. (I’m sure the wife didn’t think that way…I know I don’t, and my husband is one of those men)
10. Keep surprising him. Be it with meals, cards, # 6 will most likely be his favorites! 🙂 whatever he likes. Do it every few days or weeks.
Ask his mom for some recipes from this favorite foods when he was a kid. Try your best to make them ( you won’t cook like his mom, this maybe a bad idea my hubby always told me I didn’t cook like his mom, but after she passed away anytime I make something she would make him as a boy it really touches him) Or try new yummies to bake for him, you may start a tradition. They will warm him from the inside on a bad day.
11. Place something from your Wedding or dating period that matters to you in every room of your house. WHERE you can see it easily. So when a tough time comes you will see it and it will soften your heart towards him. It would also be a good conversation changer.
12. When kids come along..make time for the two of you. Moms start to automatically focus all of their attention on the little baby, and Dads start to feel like he’s lost his wife. A good man can handle it for a few months but after that #6 really starts to become a possible problem. If you don’t feel that confident physically …tell him. Letting him know that you feel fat or whatever will help him to understand the change in your bedroom and will soften the blow. Remember again though #6.
An extra: try not to be so emotional (if you are one of the emotional girls) it really confuses men.
Elizabeth, I was honest and true here, I wanted to give you the upper hand. To give you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I hate to see young ladies walk blindly into what Disney tries to make a happy ever after ( it sooooo can be that but you have to work for it) its not the end of the story. Its just the beginning and Disney can’t sell that fairy tale, only God can.
Best of luck and may you have a God’s way happily ever after. 😀
Congratulations! God bless all your years together.
I have been married almost 23 years this fall. And this year my husband and I finally broke through a wall that had risen between us over the years. One thing I’ve learned and wish I had acted upon this so many years ago is to be totally real with each other — no secrets — buried hurts or concerns or fears or worries. Take time to pour out your heart to each other, especially when the days get really busy. Speak the truth to one another and remind each other of the truth. Don’t be afraid to share your needs with one another; you are not mind-readers, sometimes our husbands need us to TELL them what we are needing from them. Also, guard your eyes and thoughts from sin and lust. Check in with one another. Every marriage is vulnerable because the Enemy wants to destroy what God has designed and created to bless us. Remember, your spouse is not the enemy. The enemy is the enemy!
Most of all, savor every moment and don’t let the world get you sidetracked. Time flies so fast.
Dear Elizabeth, You have such a head start because your Momma is such a wonderful godly woman who can offer you practically all of the advice you’ll ever need. The rest of it is in scripture! Saturate yourself with the Word of God every day and make your relationship with your Savior #1. I have been married for 22 years. I can give you advice from my many mistakes! 🙂
#1. Leave and Cleave. Take this directive from the Lord seriously. Godly men want to be the spiritual leader and they want to be the one who takes care of their bride. Let him! If anything should ever come up where it puts you in a position of choosing sides (family vs husband) always, always, always choose your husband even if you think he is wrong. Trust me! God will work out every single detail and you will be blessed!
#2 Remember! You need to write down all the reasons you fell in love and why you married that man! Keep it some place safe. Write down all your mushy feelings too, I think that will help. One day some of those very things that attracted you to that man will irritate the life out of you! I’m just saying! You’ll need to take out that list and remember that one day that’s what drew you to him.
#3 Encourage. A wise older woman just told me that if a man is bragging and talking about all the things he’s done or can do it’s because no one else is encouraging or praising him! God says “let another man praise you and not yourself”. So, we need to encourage our men.
#4 Dump your expectations. This is so important! We woman tend to dream a lot and we think things should be “just so”. We can get a little irritated when our fairy tale doesn’t come out like it does in our minds! I have learned to release my expectations, which are generally unreasonable, and go with the flow. When I do I find that I can appreciate every little thing whether it was something I expected or not!
#5 Love him the way he can understand! The Love Languages book is not mumbo jumbo! I really have seen how this works with my husband and with my children. When we love someone in our own love language it doesn’t really affect them the way it would if we loved them in the language they understand!
While we all have lots of advice, you will have to be a student of your husband and over the years you will learn so many things. What works for one of us may not work for you unless it’s biblically based. Remember that as you receive lots of wonderful advice. As a new bride I remember trying things people told me or that I read in a book only to be frustrated that I wasn’t getting the same response.
Never forget that your husband is fearfully and wonderfully made. Either ask him or go to the Lord and that will save you a lot of field trips! 🙂
Many blessings to you and Howard! May you grow closer to one another and to the Lord as you journey your life together.